stuartrenton.com Column

CRIMES AND PUNISHMENTS

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 22:05:07 +0100

Probably the most contentious post I'll ever make, but I've been watching a TV show about rapists in the UK and how one 37 year old man abducted a 6 year old girl from her home (in the bath), repeatedly raped her, and then left her on the street alone and naked.

She was SIX!

This kind of behaviour, quite naturally, disgusts me to the point of speechlessness. I find it alien that people could treat anyone in this way, and it makes me wonder why the penalties are so low for a crime that could destroy a young child's life.

It seems to me that the respect for human life is an an all time low, with the Sex Offender Register's numbers increasing all the time, but is Life Imprisonment really enough for a crime like this?

There are so many terrible crimes commited on a daily basis across the UK (never mind across the world) and it seems we don't have nearly enough punishments for these terrible people. In fact, we seem more willing to label them as 'sick' or 'unwell' rather than the hideous and corrupted monsters they truly are.

I can think of a punishment for a crime like this, but it wouldn't be life in prison...

ZOMBIE FEST 2008

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 18:38:11 +0100

Well, I'm back from Zombie Fest 2008 at the Quarries Scout Camp in Milton Keynes, and it was exhausting, but phenomenal fun.

The story was that 50 people were called to Willard Valley to celebrate their yearly fertility ritual. The residents were right out of Royston Vasey and, quite naturally, the ritual went horribly wrong, causing the dead to rise.

At first there were only a handful of zombies, but soon, they managed to claw their way through a few of us, until they were many more, and in the end, well over fifty of the blood-soeaked walking dead staggering around Willard Valley.

I did an exemplary job of surviving for three hours, until I was 'advised' to pick up a gas mask, at which point I was caught by the zombie girl scout and succumbed to the infection.

Overall, a masterfully told story with great attention to props and detail.

This adventure game should have the same kind of fun action status as paintablling yet it's condemned to reside in the same 'geeky' area as Dungeons & Dragons Live Action Role Playing.

If you're wondering what I'm talking about, check out this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZ04mfAY2BU

But it was NOTHING like that. Great story, great effects, and some truly warm, funny, and generally all-encompassing people.

I had a great day, and if you're into zombies or fancy an alternative day out, then one of Terror 4 Fun's events is for you!

YET MORE EBAY WOES

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 22:01:43 +0100

It's never ending. I sold my Blizzard Worldwide Invitational CD Key through Ebay to a seller for £225.

They got the key (through email), emailed me to confirm, then tonight I got a Reversal Request from Paypal saying the buyer had sent the request in error.

I've provided all the information I could and now I guess all I can do is await Paypal's decision, but after Paypal refused to help me last year, I'm not going to let this one drop. I'll prosecute the buyer myself if I have to.

But these systems seem set up to protect the buyer while the seller gets screwed royally. If you're a con merchant you get away with anything while the innocent vendor gets shafted.

I think I'll stop using Ebay after this.

ZOMBIE CON

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 19:55:49 +0100

Terror 4 Fun is holding its annual Zombie Con tomorrow in Milton Keynes. I'll be going down in a journalistic capacity to review the event for Bizarre Magazine. In addition to celebrating all things zombie, there'll be:

Edible Intestines.
A "Last Man Standing" Live Role Playing Event.
Zombie movies
More gore than you can shake a festering limb at.

It sounds like it will be a lot of fun (although the forecast is heavy rain all day).

Watch this space for an update, but in the meantime, check out the Terror 4 Fun website.

THE DARK KNIGHT

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 20:45:52 +0100

OK, I'm going to fly in the face of popular opinion and say I didn't really care much for The Dark Knight.

Sure, all of the performances were great, but I thought the story was a little flat, the action was a bit lackluster, and I couldn't help but think "what's the point of it all?"

Over and beyond all the other criticisms I had of the movie was that it was WAY too long. They could have cut an hour and it would have been a much snappier movie. It seemed to drag for me and I kept thinking: surely THIS is the end...? Not a great sign for a movie.

Of course, Ledger was great as the Joker; I didn't think he was as good as Nicholson's Joker, but he was still very creepy. I can't help but think how much better he would have been had the movie been R Rated - he could have really gone to down instead of seeming strangely fettered in this movie. It seemed horribly out of place in a 12A movie.

Overall: A strong 6.5/10. Could do with seeing it again to be sure, but it didn't blow me away as I expected it to. Great performances from Ledger, Cain, and Bale (although I found his Batman voice incredibly grating), but the story was rather too by the numbers for my liking.

And what on earth was going on with that I-only-move-at-two-miles-per-hour Bat Bike thing?

WHERE'S ALL THIS WATER COMING FROM...?

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 09:54:29 +0100

Is it me, or is the news reporting on an awful lot of floods lately? Last year the UK was practically drowned, and this year it seems to be all over the world. Take a look:

02/07/2008 - Wettest month on record for Hong Kong - The Hong Kong Observatory has declared June 2008 its wettest month since records began in 1884.

03/07/2008 - Flash flood alerts for parts of the Philippines - Flood alerts were issued on Thursday for parts of the Philippines, against possible landslides and flash floods.

04/07/2008 - New Tropical Storm forms in the Atlantic - The second tropical storm of the 2008 Atlantic hurricane season has developed.

06/07/2008 - Freak thunderstorm hits Oslo by - An unusually intense thunderstorm broke out across Norway�s capital, Oslo, during Saturday afternoon causing havoc...

07/07/2008 - Humidity helps the Californian wild fires.

09/07/2008 - Floods in South Africa - Torrential rain and floods across the Western Cape has lead to chaos.

So, America, Asia, Europe - that's an awful lot of water coming from somewhere. Now, either we're under attack from the planet Mongo (I'm still waiting for the Hot Hail) or something bad's going on, somewhere...

Is this really the first tangible sign of Global Warming, or has a water pipe broken at Mrs Tipton's cottage in Oxford?

What do you think?

COMIC CON 08

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 22:37:11 +0100

Tonight is the start of Comic Con 08. Probably my favourite 'con' of the year.

But I'm not going.

I'm kinda grumpy about that as I promised myself I'd go this year. Looks like a great line up of events, promotions, and all round superhero / movie / comic goodness.

Check it out!

I suppose I can always console myself with Wall-E and The Dark Knight.

I will be posting news of Comic Con throughout the weekend, as I get it!

Watch this space.

REALLY, IT'S ABOUT EBAY AGAIN...

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 21:34:09 +0100

Sorry to go on about Ebay again, but yep, I've had yet more e-buying woes.

I bought a load of items while I was away, to return to a bunch of loverly packages on the doorstep.

Excitement swelled for about two minutes, until... of the three things I bought, one was a fake, one didn't contain the correct items, and the third was only partially correct.

And the postage makes me exceptionally grumpy. One item cost just the price of a first class stamp (around 60p including the packet) - yet the postage was £2.64.

On the plus side: the sellers have been brilliant - for the most part. I got my cash back on one item and the other one is sending out the missing items, so it's not a complete loss, but it's £25 quid down the toilet...

I never learn.

FAVOURITE ROBOTS OF ALL TIME

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 14:29:11 +0100

Here's my list of the top robots of all time. I realised pretty quickly that most of them seemed gay to some degree, so, not one to miss an opportunity, I rated the applicable ones on that, too.

15. ED 209 - Robocop - "You have thirty seconds to comply..." This killer robot with massive firepower was stymied by stairs. Pretty big design flaw, really. Probably developed by Microsoft.

14. The Gunslinger - West World - Yul Brinner stars as the six-shooter that just won�t stop (he's the Duracell Bunny of killers). He always gets his man� or does he? Gay Factor: 3/10 (he's a cowboy, y'see).

13. The Terminator � The Terminator - Another, even more terrifying version of the hunter/killer robot. This time Arnie (�Uzi Nine Millimetorrr�) plays the muscle-bound monster with one mission: to change the future. It�s far more terrifying without the skin, though. Gay Factor: 2/10 (although with the wearing other people's clothes and the fixation with Sarah Connor - it could go either way).

12. Gort - The Day The Earth Stood Still - It might just be a man in a rubbish silver suit but Gort represented the unfathomable destructive power of an alien race. Or maybe it was a rubber fetishists fantasy night out...

11. Fembots - Austin Powers / The Bionic Woman - Gorgeous girlies that will do anything they're programmed to. And machine gun jubblies, baby!

10. Cylons � Battlestar Galactica - The 1980�s versions of the classic TV series were just men in suits (and skirts), but there was still something terrifying about them and their weird red eye. It gives "by your command" a whole new meaning, doesn't it? What you don't know about Cylons is that each one was fitted with a George Foreman Grill attachment to make them the perfect holiday companion (when they weren't killing stuff, that is).

9. K9 � Doctor Who - Another contender for "gay robot of the year", K9 was obedient and more than capable of defending the TARDIS and his masters. Gay Factor: 6/10. K9 is clearly submissive and has a worrying trend of calling people 'master'.

8. KITT � Knight Rider - Snippy, wise-cracking, and without a doubt the star of the show, obviously sits on the other side of the garage (the side with the axel grease). On the plus side: he's got turbo boost, fer christ's sakes! Gay Factor: 8/10.

7. Marvin the Paranoid Android - The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy. Never before has an android so resented being alive. To depressed to think about sex, so we have to give this robot a N/A.

6. Cybermen � Doctor Who - More terrifying because they�re humans turned into the army of steel. Really very scary when you're 8 (or in my case, 38). And they have no problems with stairs...

5. V.I.N.Cent - in an attempt to out gay C3PO, Roddy McDowell voiced the role of this know-it-all robot in Disney's The Black Hole. A wise-cracking, although particularly cute robot. Gay Factor: 9/10 - he's the John Barrowman of robots. In addition, V.I.N.Cent gets a whopping +1 because the movie's called the Black Hole, and that's a whopping innuendo in anyone's book!

4. Daleks � Doctor Yoo Hoo - Once they were the rubbish pepperpots of the universe, now they can fly, have force fields, and they aren�t foxed when you throw paint over their eyestalks. Daleks are cosmic rats, only a thousand times more dangerous. Gay Factor: 4/10 (prone to girly ranting and hysterical shrieking).

5. Robby the Robot - Forbidden Planet - he drinks, burps, and makes dresses made out of diamonds. Truly a girl�s best friend. He was also one of the least gay robots out there; in fact, he was positively macho (compared to, say, the Village People). Gay Factor: 1/10 (but this could be misleading - he's could easily be the Rock Hudson of robots).

2. R2D2 � Star Wars - This overly cute robot was the faithful 'companion' to Luke Skywalker. He could fly in the first three movies, but strangely, not when it warranted it in the later trilogy (which was actually the sequel to the prequel movies� confused yet?). Gay Factor: N/A. Artoo doesn't talk, but who knows what goes in his out-ports when the lights go out? After all, he was designed to provide a 'complete service' to his masters...

1. Lt. Commander Data � Star Trek - This wannabe human deserves to be at number one. Brought to life by Brent Spiner, Star Trek�s number one android made us laugh for seven years. It�s only a pity the writers gave him such an ignominious (and copout) ending to his artificial life. Gay Factor: Unclear. He did shag Tasha Yar, but we're still not convinced.

Not making the list in any sense�

7-Zark-7 - Battle of the Planets - Gayer than a night out with a �family pack� of KY Jelly, an industrial box of latex gloves, and the entire New York City Gay Men�s Chorus. Does anything more need saying? Gay Factor: 12/10. Totally flaming! Don't go anywhere near this robot with a can of WD40, you never know what position you'll end up in. The only thing he'll have you Trans-Muting into is a frock and heels, most probably.

Twiki - Buck Rogers - Twiki was not only one of the most annoying robots ever, he has exploited his gay robot status to become a London Rent Boy where he does tricks for metal polish behind London City Hall at 3:00am on a Saturday evening. Gay Factor: 9/10.

C3PO - Star Wars - Adding this robot to the list of gay robots would be unfair. The gayest robot to ever be built and queen of the 'droids (in every sense). It was quite literally based on the memory engrams of Julian Clary, Oscar Wilde, and the writers of every Carry On movie ever made. Gay Factor: DANGER BURNOUT!

So, what have we learned?

That pretty much every sci-fi robot would fit in perfectly at an Elton John diamante party. And we've not even discussed the robot from Lost In Space yet!

Perhaps there should be a fourth Asimov Law of Robotics:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

4. A robot must be gayer than a pink Christmas tree covered in dildos.

ROAD TAX

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 09:58:55 +0100

The UK has exploded with alarm at the new Road Tax system the Government is planning to implement in 2010. It basically means that if you have a larger, petrol-guzzling car, you'll pay more for your Road Tax.

In this age of environmental issues, global warming, and general lack of fossil fuels, this seems like a completely fair and reasonable system to me. You choose to have a larger, more expensive car, it follows that you shouldpay more to drive it. Economical, clean, and environmentally friendly cars should be equally rewarded. Electric cars should be completely free to drive; in fact, the Government should be piling all those extra Road Tax pounds into making e-cars more affordable for anyone who wants one.

It's just funny how the rich, who can more than afford to buy their huge and polluting cars, are complaining about the rise in Taxes.

They should just go out and buy a cheaper car.