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This is an easy game. It's X Factor time again and so, here's the X Factor Drinking Game.
Take a drink whenever:
Finish your drink whenever:
A ten minute game should have you utterly trollied.
Enjoy
Yes, we all know you want it so badly. We all know it's the most important thing in your life (although why you've not had a single singing lesson or applied for a single job in the London Star is quite beyond me) and we ALL know it's an emotional time, but do you really have to break down in tears at Every. Bl**dy. Opportunity?
I found it all rather unpalatable.
This year's whiny and exceptionally needy crybabies are hardly the epitomy of superstar quality (mind you, neither was last year's winner Leon who would have lost to cardboard in a Most Sparkling Personality contest).
I'm sure there are more tears to come. I don't know if I can watch this year.
...
Of course I will be watching, and I'll be sure to moan about it right here!
How could I have missed the GOLDEN RULE for contestants on the X Factor?
The Number ONE rule must be: when you've been told you're a deluded freak who sounds like a sack of cats being rolled down a hill, never, ever say: Your loss, this isn't the last you'll see of me. I'll be back. I'll be huge. I'll be the biggest thing ever! I'll be bigger than (insert huge singing celebrity)...
That claim is reserved solely for Darius Danesh (who? I hear you cry), who, despite having a few major hits, still failed to have a triple platinum album by the time he was thirty.
But he's the only one EVER to make this claim.
If you're wondering why. Let me explain. It's because the chances of these caterwauling freaks being successful is less than zero. They'll simply vanish into obscurity, back to the chip shop from which you came, never to be seen of or heard from again (unless you bump into one of them outside Debenhams in Sheffield (but that's another story entirely...)).
Seriously. I'm gonna be the biggest writer evah! I'm gonna be bigger that J. K. Rowling. Or that bloke who was in that Bible book.
Watching last week's X Factor really got me thinking about the mindset of certain people.
Now, you'd have to be a bit desperate to go on the show and to be subjected to that kind of embarassment, but there are freaks and then there are the FREAKS. We see them ever year, being weird, mouthy, aggressive, and just plain rude.
But no one takes the biscuit more than Arial "I am not a number!" Burdett. Her audition goes beyond insanity and into total madness. Let's examine what Arial did wrong, shall we?
How to Make a Good Impression - Step 1: Be humble - don't try to 'control the room' by storming in, screwing up your application number and throwing it at the judges.
How to Make a Good Impression - Step 2: Don't tell the judges to f*ck themselves in song (you just end up looking a complete tw*t).
How to Make a Good Impression - Step 3: Sing a real song. Don't make up some tosh to show off your voice. You'll only end up sounding like a lion on heat...
How to Make a Good Impression - Step 4: Don't insult the judges. Everyone knows what Cheryl Cole does for a living (the closest she's ever got to metal was the rock version of 'I Think We're Alone Now...). Don't tell Simon he doesn't know what he's doing (as countered by the gazillions of dollars he has in the bank) 'cos you just look really stupid.
Poor Arial. Poor angry, angry Arial. She clearly needs to see a hollistic healer herself...
Anyway, you can check out Arial's brilliant interview on youtube by clicking here
OK, yes, it's about X Factor again. I've been watching the show for the past two weeks and I'm really starting to wonder why some people audition. They had over 180,000 applicants this year, and I'd imagine that out of that figure:
There must be a thousand times more hapless candidates with the Z Factor than there are those with any star quality and I wonder why anyone would voluntarily put themselves through that ridicule. Surely they can't possibly think they have a chance of getting anywhere. Maybe some people are desperate for their fifteen minutes of fame.
There are two types of Z Factor applicant:
1. The hopless stars that look awful and sound worse. They know it but they're going to apply anyway. They usually look pretty shoddy, have appalling (or no) sense of style and you generally wouldn't want to meet one of them in a dark alley (outside a karaoke bar).
2. The worst ones are the really self deluded applicants that have been told by their families that they are great and deserve to go all the way to the top. It's almost abuse on the part of their family for the only place these hapless losers are going is back to their old lives, that little bit more insecure after being torn down by the judges.
The show is hugely amusing for us, but I still wonder why anyone would subject themselves to that level of scrutiny. It's beyond reason.
Mind you, it would be a fairly boring first few weeks if we only had the stars of tomorrow (and I only mean tomorrow, OK, maybe some people will remember the final tweve a week or two later) on the show...
I mean, does anyone actually remember last year's ultra bland winner?
Thought not!
OK, so I said I wouldn't talk about the X Factor this year, but we're halfway through the first episode and 26 year old Rachel from London really touched me. She didn't have the best start in life; she had her first child at 13, had trouble with drugs and prison, she was exactly what the show needs. She had a fantastic voice, a great personality, and you could see the sincerity in her eyes. This is a lady who knows how bad her past has been and clearly wants a better life for herself.
Not enough people are given second chances, and Rachael definitely deserves better. Let's hope she fares well in the Boot camp and goes forward to the final.
Watch this space to see what the sleazy tabloids say about her this week as they callously drag up her past - something she clearly wants to put behind her.
I know X Factor is completely fake, but there are some people who deserve better. I hope the show gives it to her.
Apparently, after the phone lines were 'engaged' for Rhydian votes on the final of X Factor, there has been an investigation following more than 2,500 complaints about the service.
While we wait with absolutely no interest in the results whatsoever (OK, maybe a tiny bit - for pure "I told you so" factor), it makes me wonder just HOW staged the show is.
Clearly, Simon Cowell would rather have pop hits with Leon than clasically trained Rhydian.
So, staged or not? We'll find out soon enough...
So, Leon won the X-Factor and - well - I'm speechless when I shouldn't be, as not only does this happen every year, I know full well that the show is hugely contrived and that everything is planned from start to finish.
The innocent "they'd never fake the winner" part of my mind grumbles - to think that a vacuous and inarticulate kid can win over Rhydian, who was a consummate professional from show 1, proves that again we get some talentless boy who'll be forgotten in a few months. Gareth Gates, Michelle McManus, and what's his face from a few years ago...
See, I've forgotten already? They're just nameless faces behind average voices.
But Rhydian will, I hope, be around for years...
It's sad, but a sign of the times. The show's really just a popularity contest, and young boys win over talent every day of the week. And it's all staged. Did I say that yet?
Oh well. Sad, but-oh-so true. I'm just ranting 'cos I lost my bet - stupid teenage girl vote. Grrrr.
It's semi final week, and this is a long review, so let’s just get on with it.
... but before I do, I'd like to say that I was dreading week eight, because I thought it would be insanely hard to choose someone to go, but thankfully, it wasn’t. In fact, it was worryingly easy. Find out why below.
ROUND ONE
Niki sang ‘Songbird’. A typically professional performance - she looked like she’d been singing for years. That said, I’d never heard this song before and that’s a risky place to be at this stage in the competition. We’ve all learned that the song is everything, and little-known songs at this stage can prove to be a disaster. Right now, Niki’s on fragile ground.
Leon – A decent performance with 'The Very Thought Of You', but this show is called the X Factor for a reason and Leon has no star qualities (aside from his voice). He’s a strong contender for the final, having got through week to week by winning over far weaker contestants, but it’s a shame as he’s got the personality of cardboard. That's OK because I quite like carboard; you can store stuff in it (like bananas), which wouldn't suit Leon at all, I mean you wouldn't be able to store many bananas in him (maybe a couple - but that's about it), would you? But I digress...
Rhydian: Please note that Dannii has now fully abandoned the camp songs of previous weeks. No risks are being taken – especially with this genius song choice of ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’. Summary of the song. Awesome. Nothing to see here. Move along. Rhydian will sail into the final – as long as you all remember to vote, of course.
Same Difference sang ‘Chain Reaction’ and all I can say, open-mouthed is: “oh my god!” That was actually their first super weak performance. It was just too much all around. The performance was very energetic but the vocal was worryingly weak. I notice this was Simon’s choice – thus proving again that he’s a little bit useless. That should have been changed for something more in keeping with the twins’ voices. Dangerous ground, guys. Hate to say it but that song choice was hideous.
End of Round 1
Best Song: Rhydian
Worst Song: Same Difference (ugh)
ROUND TWO
Niki came first again with ‘One Moment in Time’. She needed to pull something amazing out of the bag this time but it was another weak song choice. Louis, what are you playing at? This song was far too big for her (like last week’s cleavage). With a performance like that, could someone be doing this ex-dinner lady behind the bike sheds next week?
Leon – Oh look, Leon chose another jazz number. Jazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. It’s Ray Quinn all over again. Only taller and less annoying (although only marginally). Sadly, I loved the song and the performance. What I loved MOST about Leon’s performance was seeing him undressing the dancers on stage. He’s like a younger version of Benny Hill. The dirty letch.
Rhydian came next with ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’. WOW. So accomplished. He’s in a league of his own. A genius song choice that’ll have the people in Liverpool crying in their curries. He’ll be walking – alone – into the final. God I’ve got to stop doing that!
Same Difference were last with their last ever chance to impress after the oh-so-dismal Chain Reaction. Singing ‘Never Had a Dream Come True’ this could have been the surprise performance of the night. It was so beautiful, and Sarah was simply heartbreaking as the song meant so much to her. If they don’t make the final now there’s no justice. I hope they’ve done enough as they’re fantastic and I’d like to see them win. Oh, we know Rhydian will win, but he’ll go on to do amazing things whereas Same Difference would be great performers. They’d also be great as the leads in High School Musical… Something to think about when you’re on the toilet.
Anyway. That’s it for this week. Not long for the results.
Sailing into the Final: Rhydian (getting tired of that).
Stumbling into Darkness: Niki
You've seen who I think will go. I've been right every single week so far. Will I be correct again?
Find out in an hour...
It’s week – oh who cares? – on the X Factor and each of the five remaining contestants gets to sing two songs - the first of which no one will remember by the time the voting starts!
Now we're in the semi final round, the voting is out of the judges’ hands and the results are entirely dependent on the public vote. We already know who’s going out this week – but let’s pretend we don’t and go through motions. OK, let’s begin.
Round One
First up was Rhydian with a very strong performance of "Somebody to Love". Really cool, stylish, and fun. Fantastic fun; he absolutely deserves to win.
The fighters Hope came second, singing the Spice Girls’ "Two Become One". They look amazing and while the vocals were weak, it was still a decent performance.
Dinner lady Niki was up third with “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. Really strong vocal, she looked great and sounded fantastic – almost as good as Bonnie Tyler herself. Nearly, but not quite.
When Leon came on I was uttering the mantra: please don’t dance, please don’t dance - and thankfully, he didn’t. A vast improvement from the Spin-Cycle Scot - Singing “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”, he sounded great. Very confident – a huge transformation from the terrified cry baby from the first few shows. That performance could be enough to see him through to next week.
Bringing up the rear of the first half of the show was Same Difference, who sang “Any Dream Will Do”. Surprising song choice, but when you think how popular Joseph is at the moment, this was genius on Simon’s behalf. A decent, if not fantastic performance. I hope they stay in to next week.
Round Two
Hope led up the second round of songs with “We Will Rock You”. It was sassy and strong and I really liked it. Perhaps their best performance yet. But will it be enough for the wannabee WAGS? Oh, we all know the answer to that...
Leon came second and what on earth was all that vitriol from Louis about Dannii never having a hit? Not content with low blows at the contestants, he’s attacking the gorgeous Miss Minogue now. He should be forcefully ejected from the show from being an acidic little bitch… Leon sang “The Long and Winding Road”, and aside from a ropey final note, did a great job of this song. Two strong performances and such a popular contestant means we’ll probably be seeing him next week.
Up third was Same Difference with the oh-my-god set cheese to the max with Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before you Go Go”. Not a lot I can say about this. Ultra cheesy – but utterly brilliant. They’d have a massive hit with that this Christmas.
Niki had the penultimate song of the night with “Fields of Gold”. She sang it beautifully, but it’s not a well-known song and a risky choice at this stage of the contest. She's wasted under Louis and I’d like to see her under Simon, and I know how that sounds, and you all have such dirty minds!
The final song of the night was Rhydian with “I Vow to Thee My Country / World In Union”. A genius song choice – used several times over the last few years to garner the patriotic vote. Such a great idea – a Welshman singing a Welsh anthem. Brilliant stuff. Bet he gets 50k votes from that song alone.
So in summary, a better show than those of previous weeks. It’s going to be an interesting final whoever goes out tonight. Some fantastic performers in the show now, far better than previous years. There's no one that's really weak, and next week is going to be amazingly hard to call.
But this is this week and there’s no doubt at all that Hope is going tonight.
That said, the voting public is a fickle beast and anything is possible. We’ve seen the favourites to win go out at this stage, so no one is safe.
My money is on Rhydian to go through to the semi-final and Hope to go tonight!
It's definitely not as good as it used to be...
Here we are at week six (hereafter known as “the most dreary series of the X Factor" - ever), and thank goodness, for we’re over half way through to the finals. Just four more shows and we’ll know who’s won X Factor 2007. What's more exciting is that the bookies are taking bets on who cares the least – and voting is fierce for this coveted title.
Apathy is running as high as the stakes, so before I fall asleep after six duller-than-dishwater love longs, here’s my view on the show.
But first a word about Louis Walsh. Isn’t he just the most pointless munchkin on television? He makes statements like (to Same Difference): “if you win the show it’ll be a travesty”. No judge has the right to say that – to anyone. It’s mean and downright cruel and serves no purpose on a show like this. It's not even good TV.
But anyway, enough focus on the midget with the personality bypass and on to the songs.
Opening the show was Brenda with “Can’t Live (if living is without you)”. Not nearly as good as the judges’ comments, in fact, I’m not even sure Brenda is as good as they’re making out she is. Definitely on shakey ground tonight.
Same Difference sang Starship's “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” and while it was a good song, it wasn’t their best performance. Personally, I love all the dancing and the campy stage stuff – it’s when they’re at their strongest.
Niki delivered a powerful vocal with “The Power of Love”. She looked fantastic and that performance should see her through to the final.
Rhydian gave another strong performance, but it just didn’t move me as much as previous weeks. I got a text telling me a friend had been moved to tears, so Rhydian is obviously touching someone (fnar fnar). He should definitely win X Factor – he has the whole package going for him, and surely, that's what the 'contest' is about?
Hope came next with some Christine Aguilera song I’ve never heard before. To be honest, Phoebe just isn’t that great a singer to be ‘carrying’ the band. This week, though, Simon was intent on us seeing the ‘real’ girls, which means seeing them in their checkout jobs at Tesco, smoking joints and shagging guys in the toilets in Gatecrasher. Just kidding, of course. People have been commenting across the internet that don't really look right as a group. And I agree. I think they’re the version of Girls Aloud sponsored by Lidl... They should also go home this week.
Leon came last – and he should have gone home weeks ago. He just hasn’t got the X Factor. Max Factor is more his style (sorry, the old jokes are the best). His song was ultimately forgettable and he should have gone in week 3 (instead of Futureproof).
I just want to spend a moment looking ‘behind the scenes’ on Same Difference. They get so much stick for being ‘nice’ all the time. But that’s just not the case. It's all an act... apparently. A peek through any window when they think they’re alone and they can be found burning themselves with cigarettes, swearing profusely, and bitching about the world.
In fact, once you take off their Same Difference masks, they’re actually the two old guys from The Muppet Show…
Anyway. HUGELY boring show. Hope it gets better next year. I mean next week. Yeah, that’s what I meant.
On the chopping block tonight (a really easy one): Beverley and Hope. Eject! Eject! Eject!
So it’s disco night on the X Factor and we’re going back to the ‘70s.
Leon – started with Relight My Fire. It was his best performance so far, which isn’t to say very much. It was all a bit weird and forced and no one noticed he got the words all wrong at the end of the first verse. You’re on shaky ground tonight, Mr rollercoaster ride hips!
Singing Hot Stuff was Niki, and actually, she was really good tonight. Great cleavage - you could have parked a bus in it! I think Simon’s comment about her being “a mother getting up at a wedding” wasn’t fair; the X Factor isn’t limited to age – it’s for everyone – besides, Madonna is still rocking in her fourth decade of pop, and Cher – well, hasn’t she been around since the Pliocene era?
Rhydian was up third. What can I say? Singing Go West this was Pet Shop Boys meets Tom Jones (in drag). He was very strong as usual, and seemed to love the military theme. It all felt a bit wrong (like a guilty pleasure), but was very, very funny. Rhydian’s slip at the end about "how glad he was to be working with male dancers" was hysterical. Funniest thing I’ve heard all week.
Hope looked fabulous. Singing Gimme Gimme Gimme – they were totally ABBA. It was a great performance, slick and stylish. They really are coming along and I can see a future for them. There were some tuning issues, but I really liked the arrangement and would definitely like to hear it professionally recorded.
Beverley sang I’m Every Woman and for all her efforts I just don’t feel like she has star quality. It felt a bit lacklustre in the first half but she pulled it back with a great finish. Sadly, she’s no Whitney Houston. She can't half belt out those notes, though.
Alisha chose Young Hearts, Run Free, and… well, let’s just say another cat wrapped in a sack and tossed down a well. Yep, caterwauling was an understatement. Why she’s still in the contest is a mystery to me – especially when Andy and Futureproof had at least another week in both of them (would have loved to have seen Andy doing disco - I think it would have made him). ANYWAY – another track murdered. Alisha – the X Factor Murderess.
Same Difference came on last with Blame It On The Boogie (changed from their original song choice). It wasn’t their strongest performance, but it was great fun with their typical choreography. But it’s FAR more fun to watch Louis’ face as he gawps on in bewilderment.
Safe Tonight:
On the Chopping Block:
In the 'Bugger Me the British Public is Fickle' Camp:
Who goes? Find out in an hour...
The song list for the Saturday show is in. There are so few contestants left. Where did they all go?
Oh, that's right. One was voted off for being a slapper scrapper (catchy ain't it?) and four have been voted out.
ALISHA YOUNG - YOUNG HEARTS RUN FREE.
Alisha (AKA Why am I still in this competition) has stayed in the contest through the magic of her weekly sob story. She wants it so much. Yadda Yadda Yadda. I just wish she'd go away now.
Tell you what: I'll trade you my used Alisha for a fresh Futureproof who never got a chance to shine. Hell, I'll even trade in Andy with his cow eyes for that croaky old woman voice...
BEVERLEY - I’M EVERY WOMAN
Nothing bad to say here. Will she be in the final, though? In the bottom two last week, things are looking grim from the primary school teacher. Who'll have the bigger sob story on Saturday, Beverley or Alisha? Vote now!
HOPE - GIMME! GIMME! GIMME! (A MAN AFTER MIDNIGHT)
Oh, I'll just come out and say it: this wannabe Girls Aloud just aren't slags enough to compete with the WAGS of tomorrow. They've no hope of winning and even less hope of doing anything beyond X Factor. They've one final card left to play: I'm hoping they'll get so desperate they'll offer to whip out their baps live on stage if they get through to the final. I'm telling you, it's a sure fire way to win!
LEON - RELIGHT MY FIRE
They can't be serious with this one! Can they? The only way anything could light Leon's fire is on November 5th. And yes I'm talking Guy Fawkes. Nice voice, shame about the dancing / crying / whining (delete as applicable - or actually, don't bother - they're all relevant).
NIKI - HOT STUFF
She got slagged off for singing All That Jazz from the musical Chicago, what does she think she can do with this? She could be great, but I can see whipping on the horizon from the judges.
RHYDIAN - GO WEST
Rhydian SHOULD be singing Gimme Gimme Gimme! Now that would be funny! Can't see it happening, though.
SAME DIFFERENCE - FEELS LIKE I’M IN LOVE
Bless them. Just bless them! I've not got a bad word to say about Same Difference. I hope they can better last Saturday's show with something even more fantasmical! Louis and Sharon might slag them off, but they're one of the most polished acts we've seen on the show in - well - ever!
In closing I have to say: bring back Andy.
No, scrap that. Bring back Chico!
WHAT TIME IS IT?
We've all heard about the problems with voting over the past years of X Factor, but after trawling the forums, I found an alarming number of people complaining that they couldn't get through to vote for Futureproof last week.
Now, I could be wrong (but I highly doubt I am) but if Futureproof were in the bottom two, wouldn't it be worrying easy to phone up and place a vote for them.
Sounds like a fix to me. Which is probably why Alisha is still in the contest. This show loses more credibility with each year, and let's face it, it never had much credibility in the first place.
I got an email from the Federal Drugs Administration who have written a song about Rhydian.
Who managed to rhyme Rhydian with Idom... Very silly but very funny! Genius, in fact.
It always amazes me when those voted off say something stupid like “This isn’t the last you’ll see of me. I’ll be back”.
Sorry to burst your bubble but historically, the only time we’ll see you again is in a cheap knockoff of Playboy or in the crappy news section of the tabloids when you’ve been arrested for GBH.
Niki was up first. Very shaky vocals, but good. She’s not impressed me as much lately as I would have expected and this certainly wasn’t her best performance of the series. She’s capable of so much more, or has she peaked too early?
Same Difference sang the Scissor Sisters' I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’. Every week they come up with something innovative and fun and this week was their best yet. Brilliant fun, Disney meets Steps meets pop. It was happy and energetic with great dancing. All around brilliant. How could anyone NOT like that performance? So much going on – they’re absolutely excellent performers.
Andy came third with an oh-so-forgettable version of - err. What did he sing again? I think that's the second week I've done that in a row... The problem with Andy is that he’s a one trick pony – he’s all doe-eyed stares into the camera. His vocal has no peaks. The original song was great but this was oh so wrong – a poor musical arrangement. He’s in the danger zone this week. Oh it was Chasing Cars - by Snow Patrol.
Beverley was up next with ‘Beautiful’. A top class performance. She made it seem effortless and can really belt out those high notes. She’s come from behind and stolen Niki’s crown for the final. Can Niki win it back – we can only hope that the chesty twosome settles this with a mud wrestling match… That’d be one hell of a pay per view!
Hope was in the bottom two last week and barely surviving the judges’ vote they had a lot to prove this week. Singing Back to Black by Amy Winehouse, I felt it was an average performance. The chorus and harmonies were gorgeous, but the actual main vocals were a bit dreary. It felt like the wrong song for them – where was the sex. Hope could stay in to the finals simply by offering the public a challenge. They’ll wear fewer clothes every week they stay in. Now that’d be a sure way to get a million votes a week.
Leon was sixth this week. Now Leon, you need to read this very carefully. X Factor Rule #1: If you dance like a washing machine on a see-saw – don’t. Ever. No seriously. Don’t!
I think the song was OK but I was do distracted by the robotic shuffling that someone in the 5th Dimension would calling dancing to really tell. He’s growing in confidence, though. Which is a shame because he’s probably going to be in the bottom two tonight. I do really like the tone of his voice, though.
Alisha. Only survived last week by the graces of the VT which pulled at the heartstrings of every viewer in the UK. I really do wish they wouldn’t show them and just let the contestants battle it out on the strength of their performance, but nope, we can vote-inducing video clips that influence everything. However, Alisha sang a great performance and I was surprised. But was it strong enough to stay in? She was certainly better than Hope this week.
Rhydian. Up last was the Welshinator with the scary eyes. He sang ‘You Lift Me Up’ with no gimmicks, no fur coats, no dancing, just heartfelt vocals. And what a performance. Superlatives like "fantastic" just don’t cover it! He’s in a league of his own, making the other performers look like cheap karaoke. He's set for stardom no matter what happens in the X Factor. In fact, he's so good, winning X Factor and being tarnished with its reputation would probably be a detriment to his career. So let's hope he gets voted out and goes on to a serious recording career - or something in the West End.
So, that was it. The final eight. An interesting week with lots of average performances to give the public something to vote over.
On Top this Week:
In the Danger Zone:
More X-Factor shenanigans today with the news that one of the finalists - Emily Nakanda - has been forced to quit after she was caught on video assaulting another girl.
Turns out that things are not at all Fan-dabi-dose when the video shows slugger Em grabbing a girl's hair and throwing her to the ground before punching and kicking her. Other footage showed the wannabee pop starlet threatening to gouge a boy's eyes out with a knife.
The latest footage, which was recorded on a mobile phone, shows Emily putting another girl, known only as Anna, in a headlock and pulling her hair. Emily tells Anna that she is going to rip out her hair and complains: "If it rips out I’m gonna get blood on my clothes."
Emily was due to be singing the Bjork hit: It’s Oh So Quiet on Saturday’s show. Ladbrokes, which had placed her as second favourite to win the contest, said it would refund all bets on the teenager.
Well, she was crap anyway and deserves everything she got. I mean, just look down for how weak I thought her performances were - and this was from the #2 favourite to win. Are they watching a different show to me?
I've said it before this week but you really do reap what you sew.
My one question is: WHY do they come on this show? Are they fooling themselves into thinking this stuff won't come out? It always does. As soon as you get a whiff of fame, out they come, exchanging cash for tidbits about your sordid past.
Anyway, I hear they're going to replace her with Mike Tyson, or that slapper from Girls Aloud...
What do you mean "that's all of them"...
So, it’s week two already, and things are hotting up. Well, sort of. After having two acts in the bottom two last week, Sharon Osborne threatened to leave. God woman, stop threatening and get on with it. I don’t think I’ve seen a more two-faced woman, it’s all smiles and warm words but look behind those eyes…
Anyway, after her much-staged and publicised ‘tantrum’, she’s back for another round of judging, and this week it’s the Movie Show, where they remaining eleven are singing songs from the movies.
Hope started off the show with Lady Marmalade from Moulin Rouge. And yes they did as I had hoped and removed even more clothing, but instead of being sexy they ended up looking uncomfortable. It was all very staged and they were more high school than high class hookers. Overall, very average performance, yet an ample amount of cleavage, suspenders and corsets will keep these girls in to sing another day. I think Hope’s days are numbered, though. The end is nigh! The end is nigh!
Who'd have guessed it? Leon was very nervous. Mr Self Confidence 2008 really did look a bit broken while he sang Home from The Wedding Singer. It was actually a very strong performance – yet he’s clearly become this year’s Whipping Boy. I don’t know why Louis continues to pick on him – even promoting his own version of the single (via Westlife, which apparently comes out on Monday!) Louis Walsh is a little weasel; everything Simon does he does the follow year. When he grows up I think he wants to be Simon Cowell.
Or he wants to ‘do’ Simon Cowell. Either way he needs something…
Beverley was next, with a good performance of I Have Nothing from The Bodyguard. Not a lot else to say here. I think there are a few singers you should never try to emulate and this was a carbon copy. Don’t even try if you can’t better. A tough job, but she did OK.
Alisha came next with Say A Little Prayer from My Best Friend’s Wedding. Ugh! I hate weddings and I really did NOT like this. If you didn’t hate weddings before, you will now. It was not good enough for the final shows. I just don’t like her voice. It’s scratchy and she just isn’t as strong as she thinks she is. Sharon chose really badly this year - chances of her winning. Unless Emily whips out her baps in the live final – 0%.
Same Difference followed Alisha’s travesty. Singing Breaking Free from High School Musical, they looked like they were having a great time. Strong performance, fun, and sincere. Louis doesn’t ‘get them’, which just sounds like sour grapes after Simon slammed Eton Road last year. What’s not to get? The brother and sister duo might be from Planet Stepford - but - High School Musical is one of the biggest shows at the moment. Louis is completely out of touch – they’ll be back next week.
Daniel came next singing Build Me Up Buttercup from There’s Something About Mary, this was a disaster waiting to happen. To think he was the bookies’ favourite two weeks ago. He thankfully got rid of the puppy dog eyes - exchanging them for a Yorkshire Terrier as he bounced around the stage trying to look all "rock" and "cool" and instead managing to look a bit stupid with all his whoops and weak vocals. The worst song choice ever. In the end, the favourite-to-win was completely forgettable. Who am I talking about again,
See? Forgotten him already!
And then it was Rhydian’s turn. Singing The Phantom of the Opera (from the musical of the same name), this was genius. He really was brilliant. It was sincere, powerfully performed, and even more powerfully sung. This guy is fantastic. I’m not even going to bother with the whole ‘but he’s so annoying and pretentious and up himself’ because if you pay two seconds to look into his eyes during the judging, you can easily see the insecurity inside and that he’s nothing like the show has painted him to be. While he is definitely utterly mad, that was a genius performance – in fact – one of the best on X Factor ever. Look to see Rhydian starring in the West End sometime in 2008.
Emily had transformed from Jeanette Krankie into the Ribena Berry this week. Draped in purple, I was sad to see some evidence of her fan-dabi-doze past still present in the buttons which infested her lapel. What is the dress stylist thinking? Are the buttons to say: I’m still a child, vote for me? Well we don’t need to, she sang Not Yet A Woman by the completely untroubled Britney Spears. Like Daniel, the violet vocalist was one of the favourites to win, but tonight she was very average. Emily, you’re gonna have to pull your socks up and get rid of those badges if you want to get past week five!
Futureproof sang If You Don’t Know Me By Now from My Girl. It was a decent performance with nice vocals. But, I couldn’t help thinking how forgettable they were. They might work well together, but they don’t look great together. As a five piece they seem a bit odd, with the short orange one stuck on the end like an oompa loompa following Willy Wonka through the Chocolate Factory. Bless him for trying, though. We'll all have forgotten about Futureproof in four months.
Andy came next with Stayin’ Alive from Saturday Night Fever. He’s got the personality of cardboard and was like a puppet on stage, but it was a good, if strange, performance. It did work, though. I didn’t expect to like it as it was sung in his normal voice and not the typically falsetto of the Bee Gees. Enjoyable, a bit boring and very safe, but more than enough to keep him in a few more weeks.
Coming last tonight was Nikki with My Heart Will Go On from Titanic. Another fantastic performance. She really is headed for the final. And best of all – no more comments about her dad. Nikki was one of the strongest of the night – she even did the song justice. Looking forward to seeing more of her.
So in closing, a much better show than Show One. They were all a lot less nervous - except for Leon (but that’s a given!) Some terrible song choices and some reasonably genius ones, but it’s going to be so easy to chose a loser each week if the judges continue to pick such appalling songs for their contestants.
Two things: firstly, you do know the mentors don’t actually mentor their guys, right? It’s all staged (let's be honest, every aspect of the show is staged). If they speak to their contestants once during the week I’d be surprised. It looks like Dannii might, but the rest have got a team of choreographers, stylists, and vocal coaches to help out so the judges don’t need to lift a finger.
Secondly. Danni kept saying: look at the audience, this is what people think of you. Never trust the audience! What do they know about anything? They'd cheer the drop of a hat.
In fact, they’d cheer as if their lives depended on it if Michelle McManus came on stage and farted for 90 seconds (it could happen one day).
Highlights: Rhydian, Nikki. No one else.
Destined for the Chop: Alisha, Emily, Daniel.
One thing to remember about the X Factor is that it's all so very staged. It's 100% theatre.
So two of Sharon Osborn's 'girls' were in the bottom two last week, so now she's threatening to quit the show.
Just stop talking and get off you two-faced misery. She must be the most duplicitous woman on television - and she has the world fooled (well, almost the whole world). At least Simon Cowell has the audacity to say what he really thinks... So long as it's part of the script.
The X Factor. It's all incredibly staged. There's probably a script for every episode. Like Louis being sacked and then brought back, like the contestants being chosen for their specific qualities (like Nikki's endless crying, Daniel really loves his son, and 'it's just Leon and his mother')
I'd not be surprised if the whole thing - including the results weren't fixed to generate the most publicity. "But you got rid of the best act. Why, I'll... I'll".
You'll keep watching just like the rest of us. That's what you'll do...
After all, it's not about making celebrities. It's not even about making music.
It's about the production company Freemantle making stacks of cash with the show itself.
So, another year and the X Factor inevitably comes around again. It's one of those shows people watch religiously, but getting them to admit it is another matter entirely. But, while it IS compulsive viewing, I'm finding it a bit tired this year.
Why? Because we've seen it all before.
How many times can one person say "I want it soooo much" before we stop believing them. Every time I hear it (which is a lot), I just want to blurt out: Sorry, but they ALL want it so much (now bugger off and come back when you've had your teeth done).
If they wanted it that much they should have:
So this year I'm somewhat less enthusiastic than I have been in the past. Sure, it'll be great entertainment, Simon Cowell will slag everyone off; he'll be cruel, he'll be cutting, there'll be tears ('cos they all want it soooo much), but it really is past its prime.
It's all so formulaic. We get the same old contestants. year in, year out. They are:
That all said (jokingly), this year should be interesting. By FAR the most interesting of the contestants are the boy group and the girl groups formed at Boot Camp. They're more believable than half the groups this year.
Of course, the whole show is utterly staged, but it's still a laugh innit?
Something to tide us over during the long Autumn evenings...
