It's been a funny six months. The work ended with PC Zone as quickly as it started (change of editor), and there's really been nothing to report since then.

The Torchwood book was a disaster. After two very (and contradictory) different briefs (and doubling the word count), it was impossible to continue working on that book - especially when I'd already spent days working on it. What I submitted in the end simply wasn't what they wanted, but when you're working to different song sheets, it's never easy.

I think my days of writing RPGs are over. It is good fun, but the pay is just so dire it's hardly worthwhile.

The personal projects I've tried to work on: the book of short stories never came to fruition. One artist quit due to personal reasons and the artist I finally commissioned decided to drop out in favour of a higher paying job. The last artist did one draft and then never got in touch again. He's probably out there in artist limbo, stuck among the easels and papier mache...

The graphic novel, which I had hoped would have been out in September 2008 - well - the artist took my cash and had no intention of doing the work (thanks Victor Drujniu - your integrity is outstanding).

So I've been really fed up with trying to work on projects and being endlessly let down by people. I do intend keep this website ticking over, there's not a lot to report.

The Geekest Link has really just started to get going in the last week or two, so do check it out. It'll be another month before there's loads of juicy content, but it IS getting there. www.thegeekestlink.com.

 

You've probably already seen this, but this Ebay offer is just too good to miss:

Who Ate All The Pies?

They're basically selling over a MILLION fruit pies (of the generic kind, by the looks of it), and right now, the bidding has gone up to £100,000.

And, bless, someone's asked the seller the question: we're only a small cafe, any chance we could buy the pies and have them shipped to us weekly! At that rate it would take them five hundred thousand years to get rid of all the pies!

Absolutely brilliant!

Go on, place a bid. You know you want to!

I wanted to post this in the hope that anyone who wants a website designing has the sense beforehand to do a web search about the company you are going to employ. If they do, I hope they come across this warning post.

The internet is filled with con men and people who will rip you off, and web 'developers' E-Digital Stream is just one in a long line of tricksters. With no ability to actually develop or code a website, they will take your cash and string you along with endless excuses about why your precious website hasn't yet been created.

So, be warned. And I hope you read this before committing them to your project on Guru or Elance.

The new news / reviews and collectible shop is now live - well - the shop part is, anyway.

While it's not yet fully live, you can check it out at www.thegeekestlink.com/store.

Enjoy, and if there's anything you particularly want to see, make sure you email the store and let them know.

I've barely posted this month, due to barely being at home, but just wanted to wish you all a Happy Hallowe'en and hope the ghosts and ghouls of past memories don't come back to haunt you... too much.

There's been so much I wanted to talk about this month, so many things that have bugged me, like the Brand and Ross incident on BBC Radio 2, and the rubbish voting on X Factor. Maybe I'll talk about them next month, when things have gone back to normal.

Wohooo. Zack's on #1 Web Show Cute with Chris.

You can check out his pic by clicking here 

How cute is he (and I'm still talking about the dog). Check out the show and leave a comment.

Told you Bush would never allow a black or female President... he's now got off the fence to formally support the white middle-aged Republican.

The totally unexpected endorsement from the current President came when he gave a speech to delegates from the White House. He said (of McCain): "Senator McCain is a great American and the next President... He is ready to lead the nation."

So, it's clearly OK to lead the great nation of America as long as you're a white megalomaniac. It doesn't matter who you're prepared to stand on to get that power, just as long as you get it.

Personally, McCain has something dark behind his eyes. Something a bit cancerous.

Of course, he's going to win the election, which I think is a great shame as it just shows how fettered and limited in thinking some Americans are.

A black President would do wonders for the still-thick veins of prejudice that run through the great nation.

I think it's wrong for the current President to take sides in an election. Mind you, he started a war and managed to last a second term in power aftward, so if no one batted much of an eyelid at that, who's going to say anything about him having favourites?

He was hand-groomed for the position, I'm fairly sure wheels are in motion to do the same for his successor.

So, the world and his mother knows exactly how I feel about Ebay right now, but of the five items I sold recently, I've had a total of FOUR chargebacks through Paypal.

If you're lucky enough to have never filed a chargeback, it's when the buyer says to Paypal: "I didn't pay for that item, can I please have my money back?"

And then you have to go through the rigmarole of proving you actually sold the item and that they legitimately paid for it (and received it).

Now, I'm sure I'm getting more than my share of the worst kind of unethical scumbags here, but it seems scarily easy for buyers to weasel out of paying for an item by filing these chargebacks.

Four of them out of the five items I sold is a bit much, really. I fully intend to stay very clear from Ebay in future (or just buy very small items). It's full of people who are out to con genuine buyers. There are a bunch of scams and ways to fool the system.

So be careful if you're using Econ. It's filled with pot holes and ways to be tripped up.

Ever have one of those days when everything seems to happen at once? I've had way too many work jobs all land on my doorstep all at the same time, which is why I've not managed to update my column in over a week.

Add to the mix the fact that my PC seems to be unable to connect to the internet makes posting nearly impossible.

While all of the above may be true, the arrival of a new pooch - Zachary - into the house might have tipped the scales into the realm of chaos.

Zachary is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. He's 10 weeks old and he loves to eat things (usually fingers, socks, or live electrical cables). I'll be posting some pictures as soon as I get back on my PC, but I've never had a dog before and I never realised just how fulfilling and full of love they are.

Having a dog must be like having a baby. They cost a fortune, the house is forever untidy, you can't turn your back on them for a second, and they love to keep you awake at night by climbing on your head.

But they're brilliant fun.

Like the doting parent, I'll be reporting on Zack's progress as time goes on. We've got a Puppy Party at the vets to go to in two weeks, so I'll regale you with those stories, too!

Pictures to follow.

Terror 4 Fun is holding its annual Zombie Con tomorrow in Milton Keynes. I'll be going down in a journalistic capacity to review the event for Bizarre Magazine. In addition to celebrating all things zombie, there'll be:

• Edible Intestines.
• A "Last Man Standing" Live Role Playing Event.
• Zombie movies
• More gore than you can shake a festering limb at.

It sounds like it will be a lot of fun (although the forecast is heavy rain all day).

Watch this space for an update, but in the meantime, check out the Terror 4 Fun website.

Is it me, or is the news reporting on an awful lot of floods lately? Last year the UK was practically drowned, and this year it seems to be all over the world. Take a look:

02/07/2008 - Wettest month on record for Hong Kong - The Hong Kong
Observatory has declared June 2008 its wettest month since records
began in 1884.

03/07/2008 - Flash flood alerts for parts of the Philippines - Flood alerts were issued on Thursday for parts of the Philippines, against possible landslides and flash floods.

04/07/2008 - New Tropical Storm forms in the Atlantic - The second
tropical storm of the 2008 Atlantic hurricane season has developed.

06/07/2008 - Freak thunderstorm hits Oslo by - An unusually intense
thunderstorm broke out across Norway’s capital, Oslo, during Saturday
afternoon causing havoc...

07/07/2008 - Humidity helps the Californian wild fires.

09/07/2008 - Floods in South Africa - Torrential rain and floods across the Western Cape has lead to chaos.

So, America, Asia, Europe - that's an awful lot of water coming from somewhere. Now, either we're under attack from the planet Mongo (I'm still waiting for the Hot Hail) or something bad's going on, somewhere...

Is this really the first tangible sign of Global Warming, or has a water pipe broken at Mrs Tipton's cottage in Oxford?

What do you think?

I've just got back from two days in Paris at Blizzard's promotional World Wide Invitational event! It was exhausting and gruelling, but brilliant. I've got so much to talk about, but I have so much on with a massive Jumpgate Evolution interview to write up and work for Wizards of the Coast AND White Wolf Publishing to finish, there's just no time to write up anything here.

I will be talking about Starcraft 2, Diablo 3, and Wrath of the Lich King.

And giving you an honest opinion on the World Wide Invitational.

I know, I've been busy. So busy, in fact, I've had no time to post anything.

With all the magazines, articles, and book stuff, there's no time to do anything.

I did watch Doomsday, the Neil Marshall (Dog Soldiers) horror movie.

It's a pretty poor movie. It starts off great; very atmospheric and rather cool, but it quickly descends into a weak mess of homages. It thinks it's Mad Max meets Time Bandits meets John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars with a side helping of Escape from New York for good measure. The ending goes on and on, and while it's supposed to be all tongue in cheek and humours, I found it unbelievable and overly gory.

Watch it, but only if you're really curious and like Neil Marshall movies.

This just in: Stan Winston, special effects and makeup artist who blinded us with eye-candy visuals in movies like Aliens, Terminator 2, and Jurassic Park, died yesterday of Multiple Myeloma-related complications He was 62.

Winston won four Academy Awards for his superior visuals, and was nominated for several others in the same categories for Batman Returns and Artificial Intelligence.

His unique style and vision will be missed by the movie industry. 

Find out more about Myeloma by clicking here

It does seem like an awful lot of the true greats of film, book, and television are passing away lately Maybe they're all going to a far better place. 

We're going through some changes: new forums and column, to make it all safer and with a lot more functionality.

Plus, a few me-related questions on signnup should stop those annoying spammers (which sign up at least fifty times a day  - they clearly have nothing better to do).

So if it's not working for the next few days, you'll know why.

No Dungeons & Dragons updates until it's all done. 

This is fascinating. Researchers have produced aerial photos of jungle dwellers who they say are among the few remaining peoples on Earth who have had no contact with the outside world.

Taken from a small airplane, the photos show men outside thatched communal huts, necks craned upward, pointing bows toward the air in a remote corner of the Amazonian rainforest.

The National Indian Foundation, a government agency in Brazil, published the photos on its Web site. It tracks "uncontacted tribes" - indigenous groups that are thought to have had no contact with outsiders - and seeks to protect them from encroachment

Check out this link on CNN for more.

More than 100 uncontacted tribes remain worldwide, and about half live in the remote reaches of the Amazonian rainforest in Peru or Brazil, near the recently photographed tribe, according to Survival International, a nonprofit group that advocates for the rights of indigenous people.

It's not such a large world, after all.

It's official: The Hobbit is ruined. Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens (murderers of the Rings trilogy scrips) are back to pen the story for the new two-parter.

My worst fears have come to pass, for now the movie will be about, well, merely glancing down at who's been asked to return (namely Viggo (Aragorn) Mortensen). I don't remember Aragorn being in The Hobbit... So, it's clear the movie is going to be about Bilbo's secret paramour, or how he and Gollum had a nasty love affair, or - well - I'm sure they'll get Arwen and Aragorn's relationship into it somehow.

I know I should be elated these movies are being made, but they made such a pig's ear of the trilogy (in terms of story), I know they're going to make a mockery of this script, too.

Anyway, yes, Aragorn will be in the movie, whether he should be there. Or not.

If you just can't get enough of your massively multiplayer addiction, then this is right up your electronic alley. Fledgling company Vollee is poised to change the face of gaming with Second Life on your mobile.

If you don't know, Second Life is a kind of reality simulator / social chat site where people get up to all the things they'd like to in real life (mostly it's a kind of frisky dating service where anything goes - literally).

Mobile Second Life looks just as good as it does on PC (the graphics were never exactly fabulous to begin with) and you've got pretty much all the functionality of the game to boot.

This is bad news for those people who go to work to escape their addictions, but it's a great leap forward for everyone else.

Check out the movie for a sample.

Just think. Now you could be wooing Darla in Kentucky 24/7... Or better still, engaging in all those carnal fantasies you never knew you had... On your mobile. In the office. In bed with your wife. Or even better, at Starbucks. It could start a whole new craze: pseudo-exhibitionism (where you have e-sex in front of lots of strangers).

This could bring a whole new meaning to the office expression: "I'm getting off at four today".

Happy Birthday to my Column! I'm one year old today.

I remember when I started this column; people said it wouldn't last, yet here we are, 365 days later and 340 posts later. I'm sure I deserve cake...

Anyway, I've had over 200,000 people look at my column over the last year (and more than 20,000 in the last two days) but no one ever leaves comments!

So, if you've been reading my column, post something and say hi. If you're reading the Age of Conan beta information, post to say that you read it, or that you liked it (or didn't).

My poor column barely gets any posts, yet tens of thousands of you visit it monthly.

I've got two copies of The Lord of the Rings Online: Shadows of Angmar Gold Edition to give away. They're up for grabs for the best comments this month.

Hell, I'll even lob in some brand spanking new Warhammer books (courtesy of Black Library).

So, what are you waiting for? Get posting!

To inspire you to come back, here's some of the stuff I'll be posting in the next few days:

• Exclusive preview of Alone in the Dark.
• My fun day out with Dead Space
• My magical ride with Spore (not to be missed) 

Geekgasms abound, for '80s TV show Star Fleet is finally coming to DVD. After twenty long and miserable years, Fabulous Films is bringing the sci-fi puppet show to DVD in its complete (and hopefully remastered) format.

You can preorder it at Play.com by clicking here

Or at Amazon.co.uk by clicking here

You can also order The Mysteries Cities of Gold - another unheard of series since it vanished from our TVs in the '80s, by clicking here. 

Here's a great idea that's catching on in the UK:

Message from the UK Ambulance Service

We all carry our mobile phones with names & numbers stored in its memory. If we were to be involved in an accident or were taken ill, the people attending us would find our mobile phone but wouldn't know who to contact. Yes, we have hundreds of numbers stored in our mobiles, but which one is the contact person in case of an emergency? Hence this 'ICE' (In Case of Emergency) Campaign.

The concept of 'ICE' is catching on quickly. It is a method of contact during emergency situations. As mobile phones are carried by the majority of the population, all you need to do is store the number of a contact person [or persons] who should be contacted during emergency under the name 'ICE'.

The idea was thought up by a paramedic who found that when he went to the scenes of accidents there were always mobile phones with patients, but they didn't know which number to call. He therefore thought that it would be a good idea if there was a nationally recognised name for this purpose.

In an emergency situation, emergency service personnel and hospital staff would be able to quickly contact the right person by simply dialling the number you have stored as 'ICE'.

Remember way back last year when I talked about the Phelps Family and their crusade against FAGs?

Forgotten? Click here for a reminder

Now, you have to remember that FAGs aren't homosexuals, oh no; they're all sinners, whether they're fornicators, muslims, jews - or in fact - anyone who would be a sinner in the eyes of god. This family has gained a lot of publicity (and notoriety) for their supremely bigoted ways.

Now, a federal judge has ordered that the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) building and the Phelps-Chartered Law office be taken away from the owners in order to pay a $5 million fine. The religious organisation was ordered to pay the damages after members
of its congregation picketed the funeral of two American servicemen.

The group, led by Reverend Fred Phelps, is well known for picketing the funerals of homosexual victims of murder. They first came to prominence a decade ago when they protested a the funeral of murdered gay man Matthew Shepard.

The church proudly claims the following statements on its website:

"In 1991, WBC took to the streets, conducting over 34,000 peaceful demonstrations opposing the FAG lifestyle of soul-damning, nation-destroying filth."

"America crossed the line on June 26, 2003, when the Supreme Court (the conscience of the nation) ruled that we must respect sodomy. WBC believes her gospel message to be this world's last hope."

Charming, eh? So much for let bygones be bygones.

Some states, including Kansas, have passed laws prohibiting picketing at funerals. If the court's decision is upheld then the Phleps family will be made bankrupt and will lose both the church and the building housing the family law firm.

However, the family may be able to keep hold of the buildings through a legal loophole. By law, a person's home cannot be seized to pay legal costs, the family are maintaining that both the church and office buildings are part of the family home.

Watch this space to see what happens next? But clearly, what goes around - comes around... 

It seems to get more popular with every year, the chance to create spoof emails or crazy messages designed to fool the, well, foolish.

I'll post more as I find them, but here are the best:

Google's Martian moon base: http://www.google.com/virgle/index.html

World of Warcraft's Bard Class: http://www.worldofwarcraft.com/wrath/features/bard/bardclass.xml 

Scarily Realistic Flying Penguins: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/

The Sun reports on sex-enhancing G-Spot injection: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article983718.ece 

Think about a Parisien hotel; all that style and splendour and sophistication.

Then think about a hotel that has 'soundproofed walls' as a feature.

That was one of the options today when selecting our hotel for Blizzard's Euro Convention in June.

Soundproofed walls - what do you think it means? It is for a little French Ooh-La-La? Or for purely mundane reasons?

It all sounds very suspect to me.

You've probably already seen this. But does it creep you out like it does me?

Robot Dog

I don't know whether it's the weird fly legs, the odd movement, or simply the unnaturalness of it all. Well, no matter how you look at it it's is exceptionally creepy.

Do humans have a pathological fear of robots? Or is that just me? 

Can you imagine that kind of thing skittering down the street every day?

How did it make you feel?

Well, it's live. Of sorts. A heavily edited article is now live on IGN UK, which bears almost no semblance to the article I submitted. There's all kinds of mistakes in it. For example: you won't be fighting the Balrog (as that fell into the pit with Gandalf) and the Nameless are creatures previously only ever mentioned in Tolkien's lore but have never been seen in game.

Anyway, you can catch what is almost my work at: http://uk.pc.ign.com/articles/859/859609p1.html

The granddaddy of Dungeons & Dragons passed away today.

You're probably wondering "who?". Well, Gary was one of the founding creators of Dungeons & Dragons that has entertained gamers the world over for three decades. He has also starred in numerous TV shows, the most famous being Futurama where he played himself: well, his future self - which was little more than a head in a jar.

I interviewed him a few years ago. He was in poor health then, but he was a unique individual. He was eccentric and funny and clever and quite the typical D&D nerd type - and unashamedly so.

He was like the captain of a great ocean liner at conventions; everyone wanted to have breakfast with him.

It was somewhat tragic that he was so embittered by the game that made him name. He sold the game two decades ago, and when his wife divorced him, he lost pretty much everything that he cared about.

If you're like me (and you're probably not), you've been dreaming about a Cadbury Cream Egg the size of a dinner plate since you were a kid.

I know Cadbury did make some oversized ones a few years ago, but they were for special customers and not for retail.

All my dreams were dead... until someone had the special idea of making one. That's right, a whopping Cadbury Cream Egg the size of a football.

Oversized Cadbury Cream Egg

With thousands of calories and a month's load of fat per egg, it's not something you could eat every day, but it's pure indulgence - and a sure fire way to a heart attack.

But, c'mon, it'd be SOO worth it

Alexander Graham Bell (3 March 1847 - 2 August 1922) was an eminent scientist and inventor associated with the invention of the telephone. His research on hearing and speech led him to experiment with hearing devices that eventually culminated in the invention of the telephone in 1876.

I'm mentioning this today because it made me realise just how much technology has integrated itself into our society. We all carry mobile phones and think nothing of sending a text - even my mother sends texts, but ten years ago, no one but a wealthy and select few had heard of the mobile...

Mobiles are super fashionable and everyone wants the next best thing, but where do all those old mobiles that no one wants any more go? Is there a mobile heaven, and if not, isn't it a horrible waste having mountains of old phones that have a lifespan of just a year or so?

It seems incredibly environmentally unfriendly. But then again, we live in an environmentally unfriendly age, where no one gives a moment's thought to pouring bleach down the toilet, or for swapping their phone endlessly when the first one we had would have met our needs quite nicely.

If you're in the UK, you can claim your FREE bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs.

Just print off this voucher and the chocolatey goodness is yours. 

http://news.woolworths.co.uk/newsletter/2008/cadbury/voucher/

Did I mention they're FREE?

Not only has the Cloverfield monster mashed up New York city, the movie has also decimated the box office, shattering all records for a first weekend in January, taking $46 million (the movie only cost $20 to make). That's one hell of a profit.

And you'll soon be able to cuddle up at night next to your Cloverfield monster.

While - like the movie - they're being deliberately cagey about showing you the monster, you can check out the blurb by clicking the link below.

I Wanna Cuddly Cloverfield 

This was interesting: it’s Tom Cruise’s interview on Scientology.

See it here

It’s admirable that someone is trying to help others - no one can ever deny that. But whether Tom (and the Church's) intentions are entirely genuine, no one can know. He does look like a grinning buffoon in this heavily-cut interview. He does an awful lot of blathering and laughing and knee-slapping – like he’s part of some highly amusing secret club that no-one else is allowed to join.

BTW, SP is Scientology speak for Suppressive Person. KWS is Keep Scientology Working. Don’t you feel better for knowing all that jargon?

his “spokesman” for Scientology says an awful lot, without actually saying anything at all. Apart from a few gestures toward benevolence, love, hope, and a better society, he tells us all how great it is to be a Scientologist and how great his life is, but I wonder if Tom is giving any of his vast income to the poor, or actually using his hands and body to do better. I do feel a bit cynical saying that, but I sincerely doubt it.

Now for the exciting quotes: 

Tom: A scientologist does. They have the ability to create new realities and better conditions.

Truth: We all have that power. It’s not given exclusively to Scientologists. We’re all responsible for our own actions. We can all do better and create realities simply by doing and believing in a better future. We can reach out to others and show compassion, and no religion has the right to claim exclusivity over that.

Tom: Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident, it’s not like anyone else. You know you have to do something about it as you know you’re the only one who can really help.

Truth: I don’t need to state this one. ‘cos what he’s saying is elitist crap. We can all help – in the smallest ways. We don’t need to gawk out of the window at the unfortunate victims of an accident; we have a choice to stop and see if we can help. This is how we make a difference. There, thus the lesson endeth and it didn't cost you a wad of cash that the Scientologists would have charged you.

Tom then goes on about being ‘on board or not being on board’. That, I guess, means that you can help the world by being a Scientologist or you can leave it alone and do your own (selfish) thing.

We don’t NEED religion to make the world a better place. We don’t need to name and pigeon-hole ourselves. We just don’t need faith in a supreme power or in anything but ourselves.

We can make our own future, can we reach out to others, and we can be better people. We can see when we’ve done wrong and make amends.

We choose our fates. We choose to be kind, compassionate, or mean. It’s as simple as that. We choose to be angry or resentful, and we definitely choose how we react to others.

Tom “I Don’t Mince My Words” Cruise says: "if you want to make a difference to the world, become a Scientologist. It’ll stop you being overwhelmed by life".

There's no secret knowledge that the Scientologists hold that we don't already know. We know how to be kind, how to love, how to forgive, and how to show compassion to others. We don't need to learn these things from a book or from people who claim to know better... Some of us might need to remember them, but we all know them instinctively.

Religions never really hold the answers.

Scientology could be great; it really could. But there’s a higher power
than any one person, and that’s our OWN inner voice. Listen to that and
you’ll never go far wrong.

Loads of things happening this year (and it's only the 7th of January). Picked up an exciting new project working with a top UK company on a very exciting title.

Notice how I'm saying "project" and "title"? Well, I can't talk about the details yet, but I'm literally itching to blab about it to anyone who'll listen (and even to those folks who won't).

So, more on that when I can say more.

In other news: I've been asked to go to London to see the preview of Dead Space - the hugely anticipated horror shoot 'em up by EA. I get to be a real journalist for a few days...

Now, I just need to get this book deal sorted. I notice the front page of my website still says "I'll have news of my new book" and that was April 07.

Better get my skates on.

This guy is very funny. An ex-Canadian actor, he now does a weekly YouTube show.

Check out Cute With Chris

A 'friend' sent me this today: It's Way Too Early For Xmas!!!

I don't know whether I should be insulted or not... 

UPDATE: He also did this (such a warped mind)

Make your own judgements on this. 

I hate it when the media puts ridiculous spin on something just to sensationalise it. The company I work for is always in the news - we're always getting slagged off for one thing or another - and I read this today:

"Security experts have expressed astonishment that the missing child benefit data discs which could leave 25 million people at risk of ID fraud were not encrypted before being copied on to CDs and put in the post.

They said the password protection system could be broken by hackers "within minutes" with software downloadable from the internet."

Now that's all well and good, but that's all dependent on the CDs getting into the wrong hands. If you found a weird CD with encrypted data on it you'd probably just bin it, wouldn't you? The chances of these few data CDs falling into the 'wrong' hands is minimal.

I know the point is the data should have never been sent out by post, but the media just seems intent on making us all feel as insecure as possible about every subject imagainable (terrorism, bird flu, identity theft). Trust no one, they seem to be saying in an oh-so-secret manner.

Ultimately, anything can be decrypted given enough time. The CDs should never have been sent out at all. Sensitive data should be kept under lock and key where its safer... 

This kind of journalism really gets my goat...

I don't actually HAVE a goat, by the way.

Or, for the secular out there: Happy HALLOWEEN.

Or, for the traditionalists out there: Happy HALLOWE'EN.

Or, for the religious of you: Happy ALL SAINT'S DAY (tomorrow). 

But, think you know Hallowe'en? Then try this MSN quiz:

Click here to try the quiz

Now, as you all know - I'm SUCH an expert on Hallowe'en, I got a score of 11.

Which, out of 10 questions, proves what a horror genius I am...

Or something.

For those of you who have been asking, you all know we've had a little pest posting highly offensive materials on my column over the past few weeks. I'm sure every site gets it, but it's all a bit pointless and vindictive.

Anyway, I have news! The internet isn't nearly as anonymous as you might think it is. People that post thinking they're never going to get caught are sorely mistaken. You're never very far away from being noticed by someone and every mouse click is monitored by one Internet Service Provider or another.

It's all gone rather quiet on the porn posting front - which I'm rather glad about. But a word of warning: posting pornography is illegal pretty much everywhere in the world, whether you live in the UK, Africa, or, in this case, Australia.

In fact, the ISP in question gave me all the contact details to take this matter further.

So it's nice to know that we are protected, and that there are consequences to our actions. 

I think in this instance it's definitely a case of 'we reap what we sew'.

Someone just sent me this link. First thing in the morning. It's just wrong. On so many levels.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/eggsong

I don't know if I can cope with watching it again.

Clearly, someone loves their eggs.

Apparently it's some kind of promo for a new kids' show, not surprisingly, about eggs!

I'm not sure I want to find out! 

So, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in environmental issues and making the world realise there's actually something called 'Global Warming'

Oh and for the spectacularly honest movie - "An Inconvenient Truth". 

... 

Do I need to say anything else?

Good news! Finally, The Summoner Chronicles: The Secret Door is just around the corner.

This book will be priced at £8.99 (plus postage and packing) and all proceeds will go to the Macmillan Cancer Charity:

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/

If you are interested in purchasing this book, please email summoner @ bottledimpgames.com with the number of copies you would like. Through your pre-orders, I can tell how many copies to print.

Please note that I'm self-publishing this book. This is something I wrote for myself, but I hope to be able to make some money to contribute to charity (and maybe tell a good story at the same time).

So please, let me know if you want a copy for Christmas. The book will go on sale early December and I'm not making any plans to sell to distributors (as they take too much of the cover cost for themselves).

Anyway, shameless charity plug over. Let normal TV / Movie / Games reviews / rants commence.

Alan Connor's first single: Now the Rain Has Gone, is now available for download on Itunes. You could help to make his dream a reality by spending 99 cents and getting his catchy dance tune into the charts.

Ninety Nine Cents! That's about fifty pence (in real money - tee hee).

Go on. Buy the single. 

Click here to Visit Itunes

You can also see the interview Alan did on Youtube (and some of his previous singles).

Click here for the first part.

Click here for the second part. 

If you're tired of all those annoying scripts that pop up in Firefox when you're browing. The dumb adverts, the pop up pages, or the annoying imagery, download FireFox Script Blocker.

It allows you to choose which scripts you accept and which to ignore. Brilliant.

Get Script Blocker Here 

If you're a massive geek, like so many who read my column is, err, are, you'll appreciate this list of the worst-designed monsters in history.

Of particular favourites are the Duckbunny and the Flail Snail.

But there's NOTHING FUNNY about a Giant Beaver!

OK, now we've established that, it's On to the Monsters

Were he still alive, Roald Dahl would be 91 today. Recently voted the World's Greatest Children's Book Writer - even above the lofty heights of J. K. Rowling - Dahl's books have entertained us all with their wonderful stories, made up words, and fantastical locations.

James and the Giant Peach was one of the very first books I ever read, and it will have a special place in my heart until the day I die. 

Happy Birthday, Roald. Wherever you are!

Jane Tomlinson died this week after almost a decade of dealing with breast cancer. She increased cancer awareness across the world and raised more than one and a half million pounds for charity.

She was diagnosed with advanced metastatic breast cancer in August 2000. This is pretty much incurable, and Jane fought it for seven years before passing away on September 3rd 2007.

One of Jane’s motives was to show that people with a terminal prognosis
can still lead an active and fruitful life. Death doesn’t arrive with
the prognosis. That applies to countless illnesses and not just cancer.

If you want to donate to Jane's charity, click on this link: Jane's Charity.

Breast cancer has touched pretty much everyone. We all know someone directly, or know of someone who's been touched by it.

My own personal breast cancer charity in the UK is Breakthrough (http://www.breakthrough.org.uk/). If you can spare any cash at all, please consider making a donation. It will help women across the UK to receive the vital counselling and treatment they need for this most crippling illness.

Jane Tomlinson will be sadly missed.

You can now see the London Zombie Walk in glorious technicolour.

I Wanna See The Zombies

You may remember Alien War.

It opened in London in 1993 and closed again due to a flood (and the Alien license dwindling). Alien War was part exhibition, part roller-coaster ride, and part horror show. With real actors, anamatronic aliens, incredible effects, and a whole load more, it was a terrifying and visceral experience not to be missed.

Although it closed nearly ten years ago, with Aliens vs. Predator 2 hitting screens later this year, Alien War is back in 2007.

There's not a lot of information about it right now, but click here to visit the Myspace Page.

You'll be able to flee from Aliens all over again.

Here are the pictures of the Zombie Walk.

Hey. It's me.
 

This is my pal Dan. Who had an unfortunate accident with a shovel!

Some people came dressed up! The cheek of it all!

Even zombie mothers love their (zombie?) babies.

Zombie tattoos.

These guys were just plain scary!

More zombie chicks...

A zombie family. In green! Someone's seen Wicked too many times!

Zombie workers...

There were loads more pictures, but sadly, they didn't come out. The day finished with everyone staggering toward a nearby office complex in an attempt to storm the building, but sadly they were repelled by security.

There's a video of the zombie conga, which I'll try and post tomorrow. 

All in all, a very good day.

Day four of FrightFest was the end of four days of horror fun.

We saw The Zombie Diaries, a UK based zombie movie with serious Blair Witch leanings. It's only the second movie ever to make me feel nauseous, and it did it very well indeed.

Yet aside from not watching the screen (to avoid being horribly sick all over everyone), the movie was interesting enough. Reviews are coming (unless the magazine asks for them - in which case I know where my loyalties lie).

So the movie was so-so, but what was way more fun was the Zombie Walk. Now, you might be wondering just what a zombie walk is, well, it's just what it says: people get dressed up as zombies and walk around places looking, well, dead.

Sounds pretty crazy, right?

Well, by far the craziest thing about the zombie walk was that it started at 9:30. On a bank holiday Monday.

That's right. You heard me. Nine Thirty. AM.

The organisers were trying to break the world record, but at that time in the morning, they had little or no chance. Did the  know the British never get up before midday (unless it's to watch football or drink beer).

While there were well over six hundred of us there, it was by no means enough to break the current record for the most zombies in one place (currently held in America at over 850). If they'd held the event on an evening I think they'd have had a much higher turn out.

But the atmosphere was electric and they certainly caused a scare in Leicester Square.

Dungeons & Dragons - game played only by nerds, geeks, and social misfits (or so the common misconception goes). If you hadn't heard of the role playing adventure game for a decade, that's probably because sales have plummeted and the game looked set to fall from the face of the earth.

Only the developers, Wizards of the Coast, are planning a new edition.

Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition is set for release in May 2008. 

There's not a lot to learn at the moment, but you can visit the forum by clicking here.

The question is: should I release books for 4th Edition? Let me know here. 

I don't tend to talk about stuff that's actually happened to me too much here, but this was too good to pass up.

I had a dream last night that I was talking to some ancient animal gods. While this very cutesy dream was totally adorable, what was even MORE adorable was their names:

The Cow God (which was a cow) was called Rumu

The Horse God (a horse) was called Runay

And the Sheep God (you guessed it, a sheep) was called Ruba

I thought that was so worthy of note (and so cute), it deserved a mention on my forum.

You'll probably just think I'm crazy, or something.

But, c'mon, Rumu. How CUTE is that! 

Maybe there's a novel there?

There's a whole load of hoo-hah about at the moment about comedienne Catherine Tate reprising her role as Donna Noble in the fourth season of Doctor Who.

Apparently, people feel she's too annoying and entirely 'wrong' for the role (whatever that means - I think Bonnie Langford covers a multitude of sins). 

Personally, I think having Donna aboard the TARDIS for a whole season is fantastic. Catherine Tate has a hugely versatile acting range, we'll see the riotous Donna, a  calm Donna, the contemplative Donna, and lots of attitude, shouting, and screaming. All probably in the first episode.

It all sounds rather fun, and, after the last two rather serious assistants, it's more than time the Doctor picked up someone with a bit more oopmh. We'll miss Rose and Martha, but Donna's the one for me. 

Incidentally, did I mention that Catherine Tate pushed me out of the way in a West London chocolate shop last year (apparently, she's a nutter for violet creams). 

Anyway, I can just see Donna doing this up against the creator of the Daleks?

Lauren Cooper vs. Davros

It would be comedy genius. The Daleks could be shouting, EXTERMINATE, to which, she'd reply (wait for it!)...

Am I Bovvered?

Oh, I should be writing comedy for a living...

It's not every day someone says to you: "let's go for a day trip up Mont Blanc!" and if they do, you'd probably give it a few minutes' thought before saying: "Sure, I've only got a bikini and a sombrero but I'm good to go" (and that's just the men!)...

So, this is a story I had to cover. As you may know, four people froze to death on Mont Blanc in France this week. Tragic, I know.

But this is the other side of tragic! For this report is not about the deaths, oh no! It's about the outrage caused by Captain Stéphane Bozon when he spoke of what caused the deaths of the four day-trippers. He didn't hold back when he said: "I'm afraid it was just stupidity. They were not dressed appropriately, and died from a combination of lack of experience, cold, exhaustion, and the altitude. They wore the sort of clothing you might put on for a summer rain storm. We see this every year."

Now, this caused an uproar. People dismissed the Captain's words as thoughtless and insensitive.

I fully understand that whenever deaths are involved the incident should be treated with the utmost respect, but COME ON. These four people trotted up the mountain with no tent or even a spade with which to dig a snow hole for shelter and had ignored a weather forecast which warned of severe weather two days before they started their expedition at 3am on Monday.

So, what else killed them but sheer stupidity? (and don't say the abominable snowman)

If you were going to visit a mountain you knew claimed about a dozen lives every year, you'd give it serious thought, wouldn't you? You'd at LEAST go with a guide...

Sun tan lotion wouldn't be on the top of your must buy items... Right?

You know what we don't hear often enough? That there aren't enough wonders of the world.

Well, fear not. Because thanks to www.new7wonders.com, 90 million people voted to determine what they felt were the new wonders of the world. They are:

• The Great Wall of China

• Petra in Jordan

• Brazil's statue of Christ the Redeemer

• Peru's Machu Picchu

• Mexico's Chichen Itza pyramid

• The Colosseum in Rome

• India's Taj Mahal

Agree / disagree? I'm not so sure about the Christ the Redeemer statue. I'd have liked to have seen the Pyramids of Giza in there. 

Watch the contenders and controversy surrounding the 'new' seven wonders

Well, I won't be this year's Apprentice, as I didn't get that call back on Friday. So no meeting Sir Alan Sugar for me!

I can't say I'm too disappointed as the eight weeks would be smack in the writing of my next book, which must take precendence..

Actually, that's a bit of a lie. I am disappointed. It's always hideous to be rejected. With no feedback you've no idea why you weren't called for further auditions. I'll probably always wonder about it: was I too weak in the interview, did I come across poorly? Why didn't they pick me over someone else?

But generally I'm OK about it.

I cannot wait to see who DID get on the show and to follow their eight weeks religiously. Now I've had a taste of it, I almost feel a part of the show - next year will always be extra special to me!

Good luck to the trio who posted on an earlier post. Keep in touch and let us know if you got further. If not, we can console ourselves together!

I would have liked to have gone on the show. The exposure would be amazing and, really, you can't buy that kind of once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

But rejection is not going to stop me. I had so much fun at the interview, I'm going to apply for other shows - purely for the experience.

I should own up and say that I did go on The Generation Game in 1995 and if I can find a copy, I'll stick a bit of it on my website.

Don't laugh. I had a fantastic time and the whole experience was amazing!

Oh, it's OK. You can laugh (but only a bit).

So I had a very exciting day at The Apprentice auditions yesterday.

I made it through to the next stage of callbacks and now I have to wait until Friday 13th July 2007 to find out if I made it through to the next round.

I signed a legal waiver saying I wouldn't talk about the audition process, so I won't... 

But it was a fantastic day and you get to instantly bond with new people (all of whom were half my age!) 

It's funny, though, how I went into the auditions not caring one bit about whether I got through or not, but with each stage of the process, I found myself wanting to get on the show more and more.

Perhaps I'm curiously competitive? 

However, I noticed that filming starts on 15th September 2007 in
London and lasts eight weeks. I'm not really sure I'd be willing to
give up eight weeks of my life for the show.

It really doesn't
matter, though. I'll cross that bridge if and when I get to it! Still,
it would be a unique opportunity and I'd be crazy to turn it down.

Watch this space! 

There's a lot of rumours and whispers about Roswell.

On or around July 2, 1947, something crashed in the desert near a military base at Roswell, New Mexico. Something that might not have been altogether human in origin... 

The headlines screamed: 'Flying Disc captured by Air Force.' Yet, just 24 hours later, the military changed their story of 'capturing a mysterious object' and claimed the object they'd first thought was a 'flying disc' was a weather balloon that had crashed on a nearby ranch.

But last week came an astonishing new twist to the Roswell mystery - which casts new light on the incident and raises the possibility that may have been visited by aliens.

Lieutenant Walter Haut was the public relations officer at the Roswell base in 1947, and was the man who issued the original and subsequent press releases after the crash.

Haut died last year, but left a sworn affidavit to be opened only after his death.

Last week, the text was released and asserts that the weather balloon claim was a cover story, and that the real object had been recovered by the military and stored in a hangar. He described seeing not just the craft, but alien bodies.

When he arrived at the base, he was apparently told by a nurse (who later disappeared) that a UFO had crashed and that small humanoid extraterrestrials had been recovered. But Haut is the only one of the original participants to claim to have seen alien bodies.

Haut spoke about a clean-up operation, where for months afterwards military personnel scoured both crash sites searching for all remaining pieces of debris, removing them and erasing all signs that anything unusual had occurred.

Haut then tells how his commanding officer, Colonel Blanchard took him to 'Building 84' - one of the hangars at Roswell - and showed him the craft itself. He describes a metallic egg-shaped object around 12-15ft in length and around 6ft wide. He said he saw no windows, wings, tail, landing gear or any other feature.

He saw two bodies on the floor, partially covered by a tarpaulin. They are described in his statement as "about 4ft tall, with disproportionately large heads". Towards the end of the affidavit, Haut concludes: "I am convinced that what I personally observed was some kind of craft and its crew from outer space."

What's particularly interesting about Walter Haut is that in the many interviews he gave before his death, he played down his role and made no such claims. Had he been seeking publicity, he would surely have spoken about the craft and the bodies.

Did he fear ridicule, or was the affidavit a sort of deathbed confession from someone who had been part of a cover-up, but who had stayed loyal to the end?

Another military witness who claimed to know that the Roswell incident involved the crash of an alien spacecraft is Colonel Philip J. Corso, a former Pentagon official who claimed his job was to pass technology from the craft recovered at Roswell to American companies.

He claims that discoveries such as Kevlar body armour, stealth technology, night vision goggles, lasers and the integrated circuit chip all have their roots in alien technology from the Roswell crash.

So, with this new evidence, just what is the truth? Have we been visited, or is this another in a very long line of tales of wonder about extraterrestrials and visitations from another world...?

So, in a moment of madness, I applied for the BBC's reality TV show The Apprentice.

I filled out my application form (and even told the truth), and sent off a recent (undoctored) picture, and I now have made the next round of auditions!

I'm off to London on the 6th of July for my audition. If it goes well, they're saying it'll take 3 hours. 

So if my audition takes 5 minutes, you'll know I bombed!

I'm really doing this simply for the experience, for it's all these new things that make life so exciting. So I won't be disappointed if I don't get very far in the audition process. I can't see myself getting all the way to the show, but as a project manager, I can't possibly do any worse than last year's contestants.

Watch this space for my exciting audition news.

I could be Sir Alan Sugar's next Apprentice! 

Thanks for your emails of concern about the flooding in Sheffield.

Apparently, Sheffield Train Station is now closed due to flooding and Sheffield is pretty much cut off from the rest of the UK.

I live at the top of a hill, so no problems for my house, but thousands were stranded yesterday and it looks like another bad day for thousands in South Yorkshire. A lot of people I know cannot get to work and the atmosphere is pretty bleak!

There are great worries about the Rotherham Reservoir, and the Council intends to perform a controlled draining at some point today, to avoid thousands more houses being flooded. 

Hard to believe in this day and age that flooding can be such a terrible issue.

Mind you, we did have a lot of rain... 

When I first saw the animated image of the 2012 London Olympics logo, I thought: Hmm there's something that'll cause problems for all the epileptics...

And I was right. It turns out the five second image has been recalled and needs urgent rework as it's caused epileptic fits in countless people across the UK AND even reactivated fits in some who have been dormant for many years.

So it's yet another example of WHY the Government should never have won the bid for the 2012 Olympics.

It'll all end in tears - mark my words!

The Creation Museum is located in Cincinnati, and is a fantastic high-tech look at the universe, from the Church of Creation's perspective.

While it's said to be stunning, it has humans mixing with dinosaurs, and claims the universe was built in six days and is only six thousand years old...

Hmmm. 

I'd HATE to dismiss anyone's religion but I think common sense should prevail here. After all, there's enough scientific evidence to prove that the universe is older than 6,000 years...

But the Church is a curious oddity. First it said dinosaurs didn't exist; now they're saying humans and dinousaurs co-existed together (and humans even had the little critters as pets)...

Whatever you believe, the Creation Museum looks to be an awesome spectacle. 

Check out the Creation Museum 

Just leave your belief on the doorstep! 

Remember the Rednex from the mid '90s? They had a huge number 1 hit single in the UK with Cotton Eye Joe before fading forever from the face of the Earth!

Well they're back, kind of. On EBAY: For Sale - Crappy '90s Band

They're asking for a cool one and a half million quid! Bargain! Let's have two. Maybe if we bought them they'd throw in Chumbawumba as a freebie!

So, what do you get for your cash? Well, you get the lot (contracts, merchandise rights, tour rights), but as they don't have a recording contract or any kind of a deal, it looks a bit like a white elephant, doesn't it?

On the plus side, those grateful Rednex are offering anyone who gets them a buyer a cool £25,000.

So if you know any multi-millionaire record label owners, now would be the time to phone them...

And presumably warn from them wasting their cash.

So the Eurovision Song Contest was on last night, and not-surprisingly, we got votes from just two countries: Ireland and Malta.

We came second from the bottom of the scoreboard; somewhat better than our Gemini fiasco a few years back, but still pretty dire!

Personally, I thought we had a chance of doing OK this year. Our song, Flying the Flag, by ageing pop quartet Scooch, was just the sort of camp poppy trash that Eurovision laps up.

However, we did look ten years out of date. All of the other countries had upped their game (bringing their music in the new millennium from the dark ages), while all we could muster was a failed pop band from the late 90s.

Overall, a miserable effort from the UK.

The voting was – well, the voting was interesting. For those of you who don't know – instead of voting for their favourites – countries in the Eurovision vote based on location (so the Eastern European countries vote for their neighbours).

This makes things a bit unfair, for as they're such a power these days, their combined voting power means few West European countries have a chance of winning?

I’m not going to say much about the winning country: Serbia. It was an OK song, but yet another gimmick – I won’t say what their gimmick was, but it was an all girl group (does that give anything away?).

So, with not one Western European country in the top 5 finalists, has the Eurovision Song Contest become a bit predictable?

It seems that politically, no one likes the UK (can't think why), and if we're not going to get any votes from the rest of Europe, is there any point in taking party just to show face?

Really, it might sound defeatist but is there any point in taking part in a competition when you know you have no chance of winning?

Find out more about the Eurovision Song Contest by clicking here, or going to: http://www.eurovision.tv

What does this look like to you:

Nothing sexual to see here! It's all in your mind!

It is, in fact, the Green Bird Building, an 83 storey skyscraper shortly to be erected in London.

And here it is again - this time from a bird's eye view, thrusting up into the skyline...

They called the building at 30 St. Mary's Axe "The Big Gherkin".

 

So, what on EARTH are they going to call this new behemoth?

Post your answers below. The best will win a prize (I promise that it won't be anything from Anne Summers)! 

To help you, here are some of the words I could have used in this article:  cocked, elevated, firm, perpendicular, rigid, stiff, straight, upright, upstanding.

Each and every one of them brings a smile to my face (mind you, I snicker every time I hear the announcer say 'Cockfosters' on the tube).

This post has become the love child of the Carry On and Police Academy movies! I apologise for it right now, and promise that normal service will resume tomorrow! 

If I can get my mind out of the gutter! 

Forget everything I said yesterday about global warming being a myth created by the Government.

It's real!

 

 

 

So there you go. Clearly, global warming is real and we should all go hide under the bed!

This is pretty neat: a hot air balloon in the shape of Darth Vader.



Can you just imagine soaring over the rooftops, seeking out rogue Jedi from your lofty viewpoint and smashing them into obliteration with the dark power of your...

<ahem>

Sorry. Where was I?

Oh yes. You can visit the Darth Vader Balloon Website by clicking here, and maybe you too could feel the power of the Force.