I've been thinking a lot over the past few months about this column, and how the hits to it have diminished dramatically since the days of X Factor 2007, and I realise it's because it completely lacks direction. It's just an unmitigated bunch of drivel from my mind.

So I'm going to regroup. I'm going to leave this column entirely devoted to writing, to give people an insight into my thought processes and where I am with things, and I'm going to start a new column dedicated to all things that I love, like movies, games, and reviews (I miss the reviews).

So, I'll be back soon with a new style column here. I might even use a completely new blogging program. I have a great name for my new column, so I'll announce it soon.

But I really DO need to focus, and the vast array of unconnected posts here just isn't appealing to anyone.

Here's my list of the top robots of all time. I realised pretty quickly that most of them seemed gay to some degree, so, not one to miss an opportunity, I rated the applicable ones on that, too.

15. ED 209 - Robocop - "You have thirty seconds to comply..." This killer robot with massive firepower was stymied by stairs. Pretty big design flaw, really. Probably developed by Microsoft.

 

14. The Gunslinger - West World - Yul Brinner stars as the six-shooter that just won’t stop (he's the Duracell Bunny of killers). He always gets his man… or does he? Gay Factor: 3/10 (he's a cowboy, y'see).

13. The Terminator – The Terminator - Another, even more terrifying version of the hunter/killer robot. This time Arnie (“Uzi Nine Millimetorrr”) plays the muscle-bound monster with one mission: to change the future. It’s far more terrifying without the skin, though. Gay Factor: 2/10 (although with the wearing other people's clothes and the fixation with Sarah Connor - it could go either way). 

12. Gort - The Day The Earth Stood Still - It might just be a man in a rubbish silver suit but Gort represented the unfathomable destructive power of an alien race. Or maybe it was a rubber fetishists fantasy night out... 

11. Fembots - Austin Powers / The Bionic Woman - Gorgeous girlies that will do anything they're programmed to. And machine gun jubblies, baby!

10. Cylons – Battlestar Galactica - The 1980’s versions of the classic TV series were just men in suits (and skirts), but there was still something terrifying about them and their weird red eye. It gives "by your command" a whole new meaning, doesn't it? What you don't know about Cylons is that each one was fitted with a George Foreman Grill attachment to make them the perfect holiday companion (when they weren't killing stuff, that is). 

9. K9 – Doctor Who - Another contender for "gay robot of the year", K9 was obedient and more than capable of defending the TARDIS and his masters. Gay Factor: 6/10. K9 is clearly submissive and has a worrying trend of calling people 'master'. 

8. KITT – Knight Rider - Snippy, wise-cracking, and without a doubt the star of the show, obviously sits on the other side of the garage (the side with the axel grease). On the plus side: he's got turbo boost, fer christ's sakes! Gay Factor: 8/10.

7. Marvin the Paranoid Android - The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy. Never before has an android so resented being alive. To depressed to think about sex, so we have to give this robot a N/A.

6. Cybermen – Doctor Who - More terrifying because they’re humans turned into the army of steel. Really very scary when you're 8 (or in my case, 38). And they have no problems with stairs... 

5. V.I.N.Cent - in an attempt to out gay C3PO, Roddy McDowell voiced the role of this know-it-all robot in Disney's The Black Hole. A wise-cracking, although particularly cute robot. Gay Factor: 9/10 - he's the John Barrowman of robots. In addition, V.I.N.Cent gets a whopping +1 because the movie's called the Black Hole, and that's a whopping innuendo in anyone's book! 

 

4. Daleks – Doctor Yoo Hoo - Once they were the rubbish pepperpots of the universe, now they can fly, have force fields, and they aren’t foxed when you throw paint over their eyestalks. Daleks are cosmic rats, only a thousand times more dangerous. Gay Factor: 4/10 (prone to girly ranting and hysterical shrieking).

5. Robby the Robot - Forbidden Planet - he drinks, burps, and makes dresses made out of diamonds. Truly a girl’s best friend. He was also one of the least gay robots out there; in fact, he was positively macho (compared to, say, the Village People). Gay Factor: 1/10 (but this could be misleading - he's could easily be the Rock Hudson of robots).

2. R2D2 – Star Wars - This overly cute robot was the faithful 'companion' to Luke Skywalker. He could fly in the first three movies, but strangely, not when it warranted it in the later trilogy (which was actually the sequel to the prequel movies… confused yet?). Gay Factor: N/A. Artoo doesn't talk, but who knows what goes in his out-ports when the lights go out? After all, he was designed to provide a 'complete service' to his masters...

1. Lt. Commander Data – Star Trek - This wannabe human deserves to be at number one. Brought to life by Brent Spiner, Star Trek’s number one android made us laugh for seven years. It’s only a pity the writers gave him such an ignominious (and copout) ending to his artificial life. Gay Factor: Unclear. He did shag Tasha Yar, but we're still not convinced.

Not making the list in any sense…

7-Zark-7 - Battle of the Planets - Gayer than a night out with a ‘family pack’ of KY Jelly, an industrial box of latex gloves, and the entire New York City Gay Men’s Chorus. Does anything more need saying? Gay Factor: 12/10. Totally flaming! Don't go anywhere near this robot with a can of WD40, you never know what position you'll end up in. The only thing he'll have you Trans-Muting into is a frock and heels, most probably.

 

Twiki - Buck Rogers - Twiki was not only one of the most annoying robots ever, he has exploited his gay robot status to become a London Rent Boy where he does tricks for metal polish behind London City Hall at 3:00am on a Saturday evening. Gay Factor: 9/10.

C3PO - Star Wars - Adding this robot to the list of gay robots would be unfair. The gayest robot to ever be built and queen of the 'droids (in every sense). It was quite literally based on the memory engrams of Julian Clary, Oscar Wilde, and the writers of every Carry On movie ever made. Gay Factor: DANGER BURNOUT!

So, what have we learned?

That pretty much every sci-fi robot would fit in perfectly at an Elton John diamante party. And we've not even discussed the robot from Lost In Space yet!

Perhaps there should be a fourth Asimov Law of Robotics:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

4. A robot must be gayer than a pink Christmas tree covered in dildos.

I thought I'd write up a list of my top 10 favourite novels of all time. I was going to list them in order, but it's just about impossible. You'll also probably notice that there's 13 books in my Top 10. That's because I noticed when you ask someone to give you their top whatevers, they always add about three on to their favourites.

So here's my top 10.  

Night Warriors - Graham Masterton (sc-fi meets fantasy/horror in this novel about the Night Warriors, heroes who battle demons in dreams).

The Lord of the Rings - J. R.R. (some guy or other. I don't even think he's particularly well-known).

Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban (before the series got a bit pants - (did I just say that?)).

The Elfstones of Shannara - Terry Brooks.

The Belgariad - David Eddings (all five books - don't make me choose between them).

The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic - Sophie Kinsella (why is this in here, you ask. Well, it's just brilliant. The main character, Becky, is soo endearing and funny - and just a little bit stupid).

The Devils of D-Day - Graham Masterton *(another raw horror story by the most underappreciated horror writer).

The Colour of Magic / The Light Fantastic - Terry Pratchett.

The Time Master Trilogy - Louise Cooper (such an undervalued writer).

The Undomestic Goddess - Sophie Kinsella (again. She's just genius. Her books are all exactly the same but still brilliant).

The First Chronicles of Thomas Covenant - Stephen Donaldson (but not the second or third - they're just too verbose). 

Pet Sematary - Stephen King (brrr. Scary). 

Dracula - Bram Stoker (so very beautifully written). 

And, lastly... 

Any book by Me - No, really. I'm just kidding! Or am I...

Here's today's existentialistic quandry: What is the difference between a duck?

Answers on a postcard to the usual address... 

I think I'm finally growing up, for I really like this tune by the Shadow Puppets.  

Welcome to the world of real music, Stu

I just bought Enchanted on normal (mundane) DVD. I felt like I was abandoning my lovely High Definition player in some way, but as the HD war has been won by Sony and Blu Ray, and not actually having a Blu Ray player, I was faced with little choice.

I wish I hadn't bothered. The difference in picture really is astonishing. It's like going back to the dark ages of movie watching. Who'd want to go back to grainy images, rubbish colours, and blurry lines.

I's clearly true what they say: once you go black (err, HD), you never go back.

If you like H. P. Lovecraft's Cthulhu Mythos, and you're somehow also into plush cuddly animals, then you'll love this.

A bizarre combination, but fantastic nonetheless.

The Rise of Plush Cthulhu

OK. This is a bit naughty (possibly too naughty for my column) but it's too good to pass up!

This is a list of actual places in the world... I've removed the worst offenders!

1. Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
2. Bastard (Norway)
3. Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
4. Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
5. Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
6. Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
7. Climax (Colorado, USA)
8. Dikshit (India)
9. Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
10. Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
11. Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
12. Effin (Limerick, Ireland)
13. Fuku (Shensi, China)
14. Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
15. Fukum (Yemen)
16. Hold With Hope (Greenland)
17. Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
18. Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
19. Little Dix Village (West Indies)
20. Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
21. Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
22. Muff (Northern Ireland)
23. Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
24. Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
25. Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
26. Seymen (Turkey)
27. Shafter (California, USA)
28. Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
29. Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
30. Tittybong (Australia)
31. Tong Fuk (Japan)
32. Turdo (Romania)
33. Twatt (Orkney, UK)
34. Wank (Germany)
35. Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
36. Wankie (Zimbabwe)
37. Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
38. Wanks River (Nicaragua)
39. Wankum (Germany)
40. Wet Beaver Creak (Australia)

HAPPY CHRISTMAS, or, more preferably in this world of endless beliefs and religions: Happy Non-Denominational Holiday!

Thanks for all your support this year - it's certainly been a good one.

Looking to the future, I just wanted to say that you can do anything you set your mind to. Whether it's getting a novel published, stopping smoking, or becoming a ballerina (ok maybe not that last one if you're over eight years old). Nothing's really beyond your reach; all you need is a tough skin, the willingness to work hard, and plenty of belief in yourself.

So, have a great holiday and here's to a glittering 2008.

I'm certainly looking forward to it.

Regards

Stuart Renton

My friend, Alan Connor, has his first single out next month. It's called Now the Rain Has Gone.

See an early edit of the video by clicking here: Now the Rain Has Gone

What do you think?

Alan, good luck with the single and let's hope you get lots of chart-topping goodness!

Someone told me some jokes today. They're probably the worst in the world. I thought I'd share them with you.

• This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins... It was a turtle disaster!
• I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought: "That's Aboriginal".
  
• I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said: "No, permanent." 
• I went in to a pet shop. I said: "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy replied: "Do you want an aquarium?" I said: "I don't care what star sign it is."
• I went into a shop and I said: "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood." I said: "Where is he then?"
  
• I was reading this book today: The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
  
• I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said: "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
  
• I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
  
• I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.

How bad are they?