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The world is going insane (but you knew that already). They were talking on the news this morning about the new law the British Government is considering to offer financial assistance to couples that live together for more than two years.
Apparently, there’s no law in place to protect the assets of couples who live together outside of marriage. Right now, if you split as an unmarried couple, you will share the proceeds of the house, but that’s about all you’ll get.
I find that ridiculous; there should always be an equal division of assets.
And that’s exactly what this new law will bring.
The new law will ensure that one party compensates the other for financial losses incurred during their time living together. So, if a woman stayed at home for six years to raise their children, the other (working) partner would have to compensate the mother accordingly for those years of lost earnings.
And quite rightly so.
But, naturally, the press is saying in their typically overly dramatic way: “IS THIS THE END TO MARRIAGE?”
Oh please. The end to marriage - that’s just ridiculous! I’m fairly sure people get married to show commitment to each other. Or, what about love? Or religion? Or because the woman has a really hideous surname (like beavercrotch) and wants to change it...
Thinking that people just get married for financial gains is short-sighted, mean-spirited, and foolish. While there are undoubtedly those who do get married for the wrong reasons, this new law won’t affect the vast majority who get married for the right ones.
Anyway, I’m tired of the media stirring everything up and making the world seem so much bleaker than it really is. What we need now is a newspaper that tells things as they really are. No spin, no bias, just the truth.
Yet I wonder if it's even possible to have a newspaper that isn't guided by its own twisted politics and agendas?
And would you even buy such a newspaper if one existed?
More movie news. This movie slipped under my radar, but I thought you might want to see it. Why, 'cos it's got dragons and monster snakes, magic, and all that stuff which is going to send us to hell (what am I talking about? Read all about it later in the week).
Korean monster-em-up D-War is scheduled for a UK release - soon!
I'd say ooh and start making drooling noises, but that would just be a bit too geeky.
Ahem, anyway, it's a bit shaky, grainy, and never-should-have-been-filmed (as it was an exclusive teaser trailer for Comic Con attendees)...
But we're gonna watch it anyway (until they remove it from Youtube). It's the first footage of the 2008 Marvel superhero movie - Iron Man (starring Robert Downey Junior and coming May 2nd 2008).
I wonder the writers were stuck for ideas when they were writing the script for Transformers. I mean, it’s not as if they haven’t got enough source material. Transformers has had countless TV shows spanning three decades, two big screen movies, ten console games, and thousands of pages of comic books and novels, so it would be hard to go wrong with a movie.
Wouldn’t it…?
I like to think that when the writers were running out of dialogue, they grinned wickedly at each other (as though they were having the best/most diabolical idea ever) and said: the dialogue’s a bit weak there. How about another explosion!
Like the movie needs another explosion...
So, let’s start this review with the explosions. There are rather a lot of them. Now, Transformers is a kids’ movie, so you’d expect there to be explosions (lots and lots of explosions), but this is two and half hours of them, and not really much else, apart from a rudimentary story and some very confusing special effects.
Basically, the Transformers’ home world was destroyed long ago, but the Cube, a mythical device that made worlds, fell to Earth where it was lost. The Decepticons (the evil Transformers) are already here when the story starts, and the Autobots (the good Transformers) are on their way.
That’s about all you need to know, really. It’s a hunt for the Cube (which needs to be destroyed as the Decepticons will use it to destroy the Earth) - but that story gets lost along the way with all the explosions (did I mention those, yet?) and the main focus of the story: the military and how they deal with the arrival of the Transformers.
Personally, I think this was a weak angle. I’d have liked to have seen more of the Transformers as they’re not really in the movie a great deal) and how they deal with finding the Cube, but Director Michael (Pearl Harbour) Bay, loves his military action, so what we get is a movie about humans, from a human perspective, with the Transformers being relegated to second place a movie which really should have been about them.
The humans do all the saving, all the sacrifice, and most of the action, while the transformers just look blurry and transform from time to time from giant robots into cars, helicopters, and tanks.
It’s hard to say what this movie was really about. It’s could have been a coming-of-age movie about a boy buying his first car, or it could have been a gritty action movie about the military facing an enemy which could have been Korea or China (or even aliens!), or it might have been a comedy about Section 7 - a special branch of the US Government, or it could have been a fantasy about the Transformers, or…
Well, you get the idea.
Ultimately, as a movie, Transformers doesn’t work. It tries so hard to be all genres: children’s, farcical, comedy, serious, action, political, and all it really succeeds in being is army vs. blurry robots.
The direction was too fast paced. If they’d only lost a few of the more pointless story elements, made the movie a half hour shorter, and slowed down the action, it would have been fantastic, but right now it was too fast, too confusing, with most of the action shot with a moving camera at groin height.
My biggest gripe was that with all the computer technology bandied about, I at least would have expected to see ONE transformer up close that wasn’t horribly out of focus, instead, the fighting was a blur of motion in which the only way you could tell apart the robots was because the Autobots were brightly coloured, but even that was hard to work out when there were smoke and explosions in every scene.
Overall: 6/10. A Good Movie in Disguise (see what I did then?). A faithful rendition of the series, complete with blurry robots. Fans of Transformers (and explosions) will almost certainly love this movie, but I was left wanting more.
It's not every day someone says to you: "let's go for a day trip up Mont Blanc!" and if they do, you'd probably give it a few minutes' thought before saying: "Sure, I've only got a bikini and a sombrero but I'm good to go" (and that's just the men!)...
So, this is a story I had to cover. As you may know, four people froze to death on Mont Blanc in France this week. Tragic, I know.
But this is the other side of tragic! For this report is not about the deaths, oh no! It's about the outrage caused by Captain Stéphane Bozon when he spoke of what caused the deaths of the four day-trippers. He didn't hold back when he said: "I'm afraid it was just stupidity. They were not dressed appropriately, and died from a combination of lack of experience, cold, exhaustion, and the altitude. They wore the sort of clothing you might put on for a summer rain storm. We see this every year."
Now, this caused an uproar. People dismissed the Captain's words as thoughtless and insensitive.
I fully understand that whenever deaths are involved the incident should be treated with the utmost respect, but COME ON. These four people trotted up the mountain with no tent or even a spade with which to dig a snow hole for shelter and had ignored a weather forecast which warned of severe weather two days before they started their expedition at 3am on Monday.
So, what else killed them but sheer stupidity? (and don't say the abominable snowman)
If you were going to visit a mountain you knew claimed about a dozen lives every year, you'd give it serious thought, wouldn't you? You'd at LEAST go with a guide...
Sun tan lotion wouldn't be on the top of your must buy items... Right?
You can read part three (two) of my Harry Potter story by going here.
Meanwhile, here's an excerpt:
Harry couldn't breathe. He couldn’t speak. He could barely stand, grasping feebly at Uncle Vernon's powerful hands as he stared red faced and furious at Harry. He caught sight of Aunt Petunia standing by the kitchen door, watching nervously as Uncle Vernon throttled him.
She walked away.
Suddenly, memories of his years living with the Dursleys washed over him. They were all bad. Ten years of misery. He wondered for a moment why he had returned to the house. These people hated him. He owed them nothing. They had certainly never given him anything. Not even the truth. They had kept everything a secret, the death of his parents, magic, Hogwarts, everything.
The Simpsons, they’ve been around forever. They’re the most popular family in the world, and probably the most dysfunctional. With nineteen TV seasons, hundreds of episodes, endless merchandising, and a stream of hungry fans wanting more, more, more, it was only a matter of time before a movie hit cinemas.
The Simpsons Movie is exactly like a decent episode in one of the earlier seasons (when it was still really good). It’s about three times as long as a normal TV episode (a bit shorter, actually) and if you’ve seen the show, you know exactly what to expect here. There is no deviation from the formula that made the show so popular in the early ‘80s.
The show has come under some criticism in recent years of losing some of the sparkle that made it so very special – and that seems to flow over into the movie. It felt as though the writers were really struggling for ideas. It’s funny in parts, but it’s more of the exactly same, with the famous five (Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie) all doing exactly what the audience has expected them to do for the last fifteen years.
The funniest joke by far is the Spiderpig story, which is very amusing (and is a recurring joke throughout the movie), but the whole story is weak, the best bits (as always) are in the trailer.
My first real grip was that it’s very short. Very short! It’s really only about 80 minutes long as there are very long end credits (and I mean long – they clearly padded them out so the movie didn’t look so short on running time listings). You’ve barely sat down before the end credits are rolling.
The show meanders along as there’s little or no real pace to it. It’s exactly like to average mid-season filler episodes, only with a bit of computer generated imagery for effect. Everything you’ll see here you’ll have seen before in another episode, and probably better and funnier.
Summary: 5 out of 10. If you are a Simpsons fan, you probably will be very satisfied, but I was expecting more of everything, more laughs, more visual humour, and something with a bit more substance.
The movie starts with Homer appearing on screen with the family at a movie theatre watching Itchy & Scratchy the Movie. He turns to the audience and says: you guys are jerks. Why pay for something you can watch for free at home?
And I agree.
Ebay really does suck. They go on and on about how easy it is to buy stuff, but what they don't tell you is that their customer service team is an eighty year old Albanian woman working from a Cath's Motorway Cafe in Filey. Armed only with a typewriter and a crappy analogue internet connection, she does her best, but you really can't blame her.
OK, so that might be miles from the truth, but just finding an email address to whom you can complain to Ebay is a task in itself. You're more inclined to think "oh, sod it! It's only twenty five quid!" than actually spend an hour faffing around the site going endlessly in circles, rather than actually getting the information you require.
And then, when you have your precious email address, the help they offer is either completely useless, irrelevant to the point of insanity, or, more commonly, utterly unhelpful.
Over the years I've used Ebay, I have had plenty of times to complain about rubbish sellers and their goods that were often drastically different to as described "as new my ass!" and every single time, they have either chosen not to reply, or have replied with standard cut-and-paste answers that were useless.
And so we come back to the American seller who hasn't refunded my money. It was a major chore just getting the vendor's home details. Ebay told me (after about five emails) that they couldn't provide seller's personal details, then they told me they could, but it was beyond their 'sales window'. They then finally, days later, agreed to provide me with contact details. Which I now have.
At no point would they refund my money as the seller has cancelled his account and is no longer under Ebay's jurisdiction. Like so many times before, they simply refuse to enter any kind of communication about that issue. It's like they're blind to the issues.
With the way I've been treated by sellers over the years I think Ebay should be sued for the use of the word 'jurisdiction'. It's a shameful overexaggeration. They're happy raking in the cash, but doing something about rogue sellers - I think not...
So, now I'm left with nothing but either (and these were Ebay's suggestions).
Well done, Ebay. You allowed criminal activity on your site. Someone stole a load of cash from me, cancelled their account and it's no longer your responsibility.
I think that kind of attitude is reprehensible. And as long as no one challenges Ebay, they'll continue to get away with it.
Anyone else had bad experiences with Ebay?
OK I wasn’t concerned before but now a niggling doubt is beginning to form at the back of my mind…
Where is all this rain coming from?
It’s the middle of summer and I’m on the train, looking out of my window as we race past Birmingham. The sky is filled with clouds that litter the heavens. There are clouds everywhere - and it’s not been any different for months!
All around, the fields are sodden; I can see the post of a fence sticking out from under three feet of water...
It’s clearly all wrong. It’s not supposed to be like this in summer. Isn’t it the season of droughts and hosepipe bans? That’s the law, the normal routine of events in the UK.
So WHY is the UK flooded?
I scoured the web to see a rational (or even an irrational) answer but no one seems to have any. There have been plenty of floods in my lifetime, but I’ve never heard of anything so widespread or that has lasted so long (I know there have been some terrible floods but not ones that affected the whole country).
The words no one wants to hear are on everyone’s lips. Is this the work of global warming? Is this a sign of things to come, something we’ll face every year, and worse?
Is the water due to the melting icecaps or is it just some freak weather that’s been sent to us from abroad?
As I look up into the cloud filled sky (that’s now turned blood red as the sun sets) and realise that I’ve barely seen the sky for months, I have to wonder: this all looks hopelessly abnormal.
I watched a show on BBC1 last night about the floods. Apparently,
the rain is entirely natural in origin, but the none of the scientist could agree on whether it was caused by global warming!
It feels a bit like Superman the Movie where the scientists are telling Jor-El off for saying that Krypton was heading for disaster by crashing into the red sun.
So, are we heading for diaster? With all this strange weather, freak storms, and odd seasonal shifts, it does make you wonder.
Incidentally, did you know that the temperature of the Earth has risen by 0.7 degrees in the last few years? That’s quite a small increase, but apparently, it’s set to continue. The predictions put it as high as 5-7 degrees by 2020. That's an alarming increase and yet no one can give us the exact cause.
We can continue to ward against flooding, but if this is to continue, surely there’s a much larger – and darker – picture ahead.
Or, maybe I’m just being paranoid.
I suppose we'll find out next year. If the flooding continues - well - it really doesn't bear thinking about.
I know I'd like some answers.
You know what we don't hear often enough? That there aren't enough wonders of the world.
Well, fear not. Because thanks to www.new7wonders.com, 90 million people voted to determine what they felt were the new wonders of the world. They are:
• The Great Wall of China
• Petra in Jordan
• Brazil's statue of Christ the Redeemer
• Peru's Machu Picchu
• Mexico's Chichen Itza pyramid
• The Colosseum in Rome
• India's Taj Mahal
Agree / disagree? I'm not so sure about the Christ the Redeemer statue. I'd have liked to have seen the Pyramids of Giza in there.
Watch the contenders and controversy surrounding the 'new' seven wonders
With Potter being finished, I thought I'd post my Harry Potter story. I wrote this for a very special friend for a Christmas present in 2000.
It's called Harry Potter and the Spirit of Truth.
Anyway, if the person for whom is reading this (and I bet you are), I hope you don'd mind me posting this. I'm sure you'll not have read it for years, either!
It's not been edited. It's barely even been edited by me, but I thought I'd post it for a bit of fun!
So here's Chapter Two. Sadly, Chapter One is lost to history, so here's a rundown of what's happened before...
It's midnight at Number Four, Privet Drive. Something dark and wicked appears on the lawn and seeps into the house. It slips upstairs and into Dudley's bedroom, and with a crack and a flicker of shadow, Dudley vanishes.
Harry is, of course, at Hogwarts, and is blissfully unaware of the happenings at the Dursley's...
Here's an excerpt
HARRY POTTER AND THE SPIRIT OF TRUTH
Just then, the last mail before Christmas came swirling in from the rafters. Harry saw Hedwig, gleaming white over him. She dropped an envelope into his baked beans and vanished back into the blur of owls above. Harry groaned and fished the letter out of his breakfast. Aside from dripping baked beans, it was a normal looking envelope -
Except for the fact that it was jet black and addressed in a strange flowery handwriting in crimson ink.
It said:
“Mr Harry Potter
Harry, Ron, Hermione and Seamus stared at the bean-stained envelope.
“Well,” Ron said. “Aren't you gonna open it?”
Hermione bristled. “Harry Potter,” she began seriously. “That's a mysterious looking envelope, if ever I saw one. It could be from anybody. You've no idea who sent -”
Everyone fixed her with a stony gaze and Hermione fell silent. “Maybe you should just open it,” she said, meekly.
Harry slowly opened the envelope and unfolded a black letter, upon which, written in crimson ink were the words:
Ron laughed. “If you ever want to see Dudley again, you'll go home for Christmas. Not much of an incentive is it?”
Both Harry and Hermione glared at him. “That's not funny, Ronald,” she said stiffly. “This is serious.”
Ron winced. “Just kidding, Hermione,” he said. “Harry, you should take this letter to Dumbledore.”
“Who is DWvB anyway?” Hermione wondered aloud. At that, they all shrugged.
“No time to find out now,” Harry said looking at his watch. “The train leaves in fifteen minutes.”
Hermione looked at Harry, her eyes pleading. “Harry,” she begged, “please don’t go to the Dursley’s for Christmas. You'll have no protection; you'll be with muggles; you'll be defenceless.”
“I'll have my magic,” Harry stated, knowing grimly that he couldn’t do magic outside of Hogwarts except in life-threatening circumstances. “And you know I have to go. Dudley needs me.”
This odd little Japanese game was sent to me today, and really, is so much fun I had to feature it in my column.
Have fun!
Seven years...
That's how long I've been in love with Harry Potter.
And now it's all over.
That's it, there is no more...
It isn't exactly hard to find out the story of Book 7 if you Google any number of website around the world. So many reviewers clambered over themselves to post 'innocent' reviews - which coincidentally happened to include a full breakdown of the book and every one of its twists, turns, and spoilers.
But I'm not going to do that. I'm not even going to say which of my predictions came true (if any). I'm fact, in my post-Potter fugue, I'm just going to ramble on about - well, anything that comes to mind (you really don't get snappier, better quality writing than that - hehehehe).
So what can I say about Book 7? Well, I think J. K. Rowling is at the top of her game. Deathly Hallows is a great piece of fiction with some beautifully written prose. It rounds off the story in nearly every way, and really, her world is so rich, it's hard to fault. She has created a magical world that can mirror Tolkien's Middle Earth for depth and flavour - for me, that's some accolade.
I can't say a lot more. You know the formula if you've read any of the first six books. But this is top class Potter magic, all the elements are there, and pretty much all of the characters are back, in some form or another, to help or hinder Harry.
There are some marvellous plot twists, and really, I feel a series generally weakens as each book is released, yet Book 7 finishes on a high, with a meaty and satisfying ending - and not a lot of room for a sequel. It's rare that an author does what they set out to do and properly finishes something with little or no chance of a sequel.
As for who lives and who dies - well, you'll just have to go read the book and find out for yourself. I think you'll be very surprised!
So, now the last book is finished and memories of Harry and his seven years' worth of exploits fade, thoughts turn to my own writing. I don't have any aspirations to be as successful as Rowling (I don't think we'll see her like again any time soon) but I do think I need to concentrate on it a great deal more than I have this past two years.
So I'm tremendously sad that Harry is now gone from my life. Gone, but never forgotten. His influence will continue to impact books for the next decade - if not longer, and certainly, I will, with Rowling's spirit in my heart, renew my efforts to make time to write all the books I've ever wanted to write...
I've been thinking about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and the alarming number of pirated copies downloaded from the internet.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Come 2:00am tomorrow, pirates will have purchased many copies of the book, yet rather than reading it, they'll have scanned every page and it'll be on the web for millions to download.
And that sucks.
I bet that almost everyone who is reading this column today has downloaded something without a thought to the artist who made it, or the company who sold it.
So often I hear:
What kind of crap excuses are those? It's a paltry attempt to ease your own conscience.
The 'I couldn't afford it' is the most pathetic of the excuses. No one complains about not having a Porsche, yet everyone downloads CDs they couldn't 'afford'.
I think people would only understand if someone drew ten pounds out of their bank account. Then they'd complain, but as there's no visible victim and no consequences (no one ever gets caught for piracy) people will continue to do it.
The computer games industry is hit hardest. The makers of Doom 3 lost over 4 million dollars in sales even before the game was released. No company, not even the really large ones can afford to lose 4 million dollars. And yet it's the same people who complain that companies aren't prepared to take risks. Of course they aren't! With clever fools out there waiting to dissect the software, to remove the copy protection and to put it on the web for thousands to download, that's a hefty slice of any company's profits and it can limit the expansion of a company in all kinds of unforseen ways.
I've been on the receiving end of piracy so I know only too well what it feels like. Every day my books are downloaded by hundreds and it's both painful and depressing. You kind of get used to it after a while and it becomes a numb acceptance at the back of your mind.
I'm sure none of you would begrudge me the hundreds of pounds I lose in sales a year, yet people continue to do it.
Every time you download something, someone loses out. Piracy is theft.
Until people face a hefty fine or a prison sentence for piracy, the illegal downloads will continue.
So I can go forward 15 hours and get this interminable wait over with!
Just wanted to share my frustration with you all.
...
I don't feel any better, though! Fifteen hours is a very long time (and six minutes - ugh!).
I read in the papers that someone had got hold of a copy of book 7, scanned it, and put it on the web for tens of thousands to download per hour. Worse still, the reviews have been rolling in, complete with spoilers, which, quite naturally, J.K. Rowling is furious about.
One has to wonder why anyone would do that; why anyone would voluntarily wish to spoil another's enjoyment of something. I find it a bit sickening to be honest - especially the reviewers, who could wait a few more days OR write reviews without any spoilers. Heaven knows I do it on a week by week basis.
So, the book is freely available on the web.
Or is it?
The copies circulating on the web appear to be fake, poorly written attempts to spread confusion about book 7.
I think this is a great. It means the reviewers have reviewed a completely bogus book. If I were the Managing Director of publisher Bloomsbury, I know it's what I'd do. I'd do everything I could to stop people getting their unscrupulous mitts on it earlier.
So, to the pirates (who'll never read my column but I felt like saying it anyway) who illegally download anything without a hint of conscience I say: YOU SUCK!
There's a little over 24 hours to go until Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is released, and I'll be honest and say I'm very excited...
But I'm also a little sad. It's the end of an era, and when this book is gone, that will be it. No more Harry, Ron, or Hemione.
Or Lord Voldemort, I'd imagine.
Looking back, it seems so very long ago when I first read Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. I was fortunate enough to come into it late, Prisoner of Azkaban was just about to be released, so I had two further books to satisfy me.
And now it's all but over. Just one last day to go.
But I'm not sad because it's ending, but rather, for my own writing career. I've got a book in the works (which I still can't announce) and another one that's still too early to tell, but I've let my writing slip so much and that makes me rather sad. Life spirals out of control due to work and I cannot allow my dreams to be diminished because I've got to pay the bills.
So I intend to renew my efforts, to work harder, and to really finish off all those old projects that need finishing. I know I can make the time... somehow.
So, as Potter ends, I have made some decisions. I will refinish off and release Summoner Chronicles: the Secret Door and donate the profits to charity this year (I'll post a link to it sometime in September).
Wish me luck. I have so much that needs to be done and only I can do it.
Hopefully, I will be successful.
And I hope Harry Potter will be too.
This will be a very quick review. Why? Because if you've seen the other four movies, this one has a damn good chance of being your favourite. It's a better movie in every respect. It's got lots of great scenes, some stunning visuals, and it's not in any way slow or boring.
While very little happens in the book (J.K. Rowling's source material hasn't exactly been brimming with amazing cinematic possibilities), the movie hides it rather well.
This is a darker movie; the acting is far superior to anything previously seen from the trio, and it really is strange to see them all (almost) grown up when they were soooo tiny in the first movie.
I'm not going to spoil any of the story; if you're one of the six people on the planet who hasn't read the books, but a war is coming, and Harry is getting ready to fight the Dark Lord by forming an army of his own. Harry gets his first kiss (mind you that's nothing compared to what he showed us in the West End Play: Equus) and Lord Voldemort is back (although he's barely in the movie).
There's really not much more to say here. It's a great movie. Far superior to even Prisoner of Azkaban or Goblet of Fire, both of which were excellent movies.
Alan Rickman as Professor Snape was exceptional, but it was Helena Bonham-Carter who stole the show as Bellatrix Lestrange - I'm looking forward to seeing her a lot more in the sixth movie (in which she has a much greater part).
There's not a lot more to say really. It's more of the same, but it's faster, darker, more colourful, and a superior fifth installment of the Potter series.
9/10 - Spectacular stuff for Potter fans everywhere.
It’s hard to write a decent review of this 25 million pound musical, as two of my party absolutely loved everything about it, while I was somewhat less impressed.
So, to avoid making this review utterly biased, I’ll list the good before the bad and try to be as impartial as I can.
IMMERSIVE QUALITY (8/10)
It’s not like any other play I've seen. The set moves and changes with every scene. The actors constantly move around the audience, and fifteen minutes before curtain up, the hobbits came out to chase fireflies, which was very amusing and a lovely change from having to stare at the safety curtain until curtain up.
The whole show takes in sight and sound and uses all kinds of
techniques to draw you into the realm of Middle Earth – and very
successfully, I should add.
There is one truly stupendous moment and I don’t want to spoil it too much by saying what it is, but it’s well worth the price of the performance. I will say that it takes your breath away – quite literally – and that I am going to go see the show one more time, just to sample that one short minute a second time.
THE VISUALS (9.5/10)
I don’t think it would be possible to find a stage play with more incredible visuals. It’s clear where all the money went. Without spoiling things too much, when Frodo puts on the ring, he vanishes, eliciting a sharp gasp from the audience. One minute he’s there, the next he’s gone. It’s all clever smoke and mirrors, but is seamlessly done and looks incredible.
The next is the set. Based on a huge moving column, the whole thing shifts and twists, rising and falling in places, and looks very impressive. Every location looks different to the last and really is very attractive.
The creatures and locations are equally breathtaking. LothLorien looks stunning as a great tree descends from the heavens and opens up across the stage. The fires of Mount Doom are equally lovely. The Ents look perfectly acceptable for the walking trees they are, but by FAR the most stunning thing were the mounted Nazgul. They are simply breathtaking and a fearsome sight to behold. When they first appear your heart will be in your mouth...
But the show stealer was, of course, the spider Shelob. Black and massive, she creeps on to the stage and really is tremendously effective. And scary.
So the visuals are incredible. Really. I could talk about how breathtaking they were all day.
OK, we’ve had two positives so far. Now for the bad. And, in my opinion, this stuff was really, really bad.
THE SONGS (2/10)
This was a musical, yet the songs seemed tacked on almost as an afterthought. They were neither clever, evocative of the story, nor catchy in ANY way. I don’t think I could remember a single line or bar from any of them. Simply terrible.
This show should not be called a musical, because the songs are so dismal, uninspired, and awful.
However, there is a shining light here, and it comes in the form of Galadriel. Her one song about Lothlorien is truly stunning. She has a beautiful voice and her performance, as she comes spinning down from the heavens, swirling in golden silk and bathed in amber light, is truly spectacular.
Thankfully, there weren’t too many songs in the show, so it wasn’t all bad (I’ve never heard of a musical whose songs last only a fraction of the show, though…)
THE STORY (1/10)
By FAR the worst culprit is the story. It bears no resemblance to the book. It’s a collection of names and places – but that’s about it. You would be hard pressed to discover more than a fragment of the story here. It’s a travesty for any Tolkien purist. Knowing what to expect, I’d turned off my brain, but there were still scenes that shocked me - why change a show SO much just to fit it into three and a half hours? They could have done a LOT better by making the scenes they did use more comprehensible. The creators had hacked up the book with no thought of how to make it into a musical that flowed properly.
So Much Work to Do...
If they sacked the lyricist, the musician (who gave the songs a depressed Enya feel) and gave the job to people who knew how to write musicals (I don’t understand why they songs were so dreary), they'd have a great musical on their hands. If they made the story more akin to the book, and made it easy to understand, then this would have been a breathtaking show. But, they didn't. They failed utterly.
Being a musical, I’d have expected to have enjoyed at least some of the songs, but they were all (but one) lacklustre. This show utterly fails as a musical.
It entertains on every level except audio, in which it crawls in the gutter like Gollum, wretched and utterly miserable.
Summary: 5/10. Go see it purely for the visual spectacle, but if you’re expecting anything like a reasonable musical, go see Wicked – you’ll be far more entertained. There’s nothing of musical value to be heard here.
Links: You can see footage from the stageshow by: clicking here
My memory of Sesame Street is limited to the overly effeminate Big Bird, the (ahem) non-sexual relationship between Eric and Ernie, and the Cookie Monster.
Or was it Oscar the Grouch?
Hmm. Sod it! It really doesn’t matter anyway.
I clearly recall a random and irrepressibly cheery human whose face might have changed on a weekly basis, but whose cheer was nonetheless irrepressible.
And that’s pretty much it, really.
When I heard about Avenue Q, a musical parody of Sesame Street, I had to go. It was too good an opportunity to miss.
Avenue Q tells the story of Princeton, a twenty two year old fresh out of college who is seeking his Purpose in the wide world of New York. He finds his way to Avenue Q and when he meets Kate Monster and falls in love, his life is turned upside.
Only there’s a twist. Princeston can’t settle down until he’s found his propose, his one true meaning in life. And thus the complications ensure.
The songs are great. The show starts with It Sucks to Be Me! And it goes steadily downhill from there. But in a good way.
With songs like: You can be as loud as the hell you’re want (when you’re making love) and If You Were Gay. And of course, the extremely naughty The Internet Is For Porn (which, of course, like the show we all know is true but no one will ever admit)!
The show’s characters are equally reprehensible. With Lucy the Slut, the Bad Idea bears, and some very naughty language, you can tell this show isn’t for children.
A simple seven man piece, the show is effortlessly put together with many of the actors playing several of the key roles (sometimes at the same time). It’s rather clever stuff and harmlessly good-humoured fun that mocks sex, sexuality, race, religion. Actually, I needn’t bother making a list if it’s possible to mock something, Avenue Q manages it!
While Avenue Q doesn’t have much of a story beyond the basics it’s riotous fun. Go see it at once, you’ll be laughing all the way through.
My only gripe was that the orchestra was a little too loud and that you couldn’t quite hear the lyrics – and thus some of the very clever lines were lost on those who didn’t know the songs.
But overall, a minor gripe in an otherwise extremely funny and witty musical in which you are bombarded with moral messages, subtle hidden under the guise of humour.
And sometimes, learning can be fun…
This review was brought to you by the letters F and U.
It's strange, in this world of endless doom and gloom, that there aren't more movies about optimism, about doing the right thing and never giving up on your dreams no matter what the hardships...
Fortunately, The Pursuit of Happyness is one such movie. Will Smith plays Chris Gardner, a salesman who spent his life savings on purchasing a whole bunch of bone-scanners (which most hospitals view as an expensive luxury). He needs to sell just a couple of scanners a month to pay the rent, yet when they aren't selling and as the months pass, his wife starts working all the hours possible, and the resentment - and the bills - start piling up.
But Chris wants to become a stock broker, and risks everything taking on a six months scholarship with a firm on the vague possibility of a job at the end of it. As the money runs out - his quality of life takes a nosedive as he has to struggle with his scholarship and the needs of his son.
Based on a true story, the movie deals the concept of doing whatever it takes to achieve your dreams.
Basically, the moral is never give up and never let anyone tell you you can't do something (because they're probably putting you down because they can't do it themselves). We've all heard it. Heaven knows how many times I've been told to stop writing a get a proper job!
There are some great moral messages in this movie, which has some great acting from Smith and his real life son, Jaden Christopher Syre Smith.
8/10 - When you need a boost and you're sick of the endless rejections life throws at you - this is the movie to watch.
Well, I won't be this year's Apprentice, as I didn't get that call back on Friday. So no meeting Sir Alan Sugar for me!
I can't say I'm too disappointed as the eight weeks would be smack in the writing of my next book, which must take precendence..
Actually, that's a bit of a lie. I am disappointed. It's always hideous to be rejected. With no feedback you've no idea why you weren't called for further auditions. I'll probably always wonder about it: was I too weak in the interview, did I come across poorly? Why didn't they pick me over someone else?
But generally I'm OK about it.
I cannot wait to see who DID get on the show and to follow their eight weeks religiously. Now I've had a taste of it, I almost feel a part of the show - next year will always be extra special to me!
Good luck to the trio who posted on an earlier post. Keep in touch and let us know if you got further. If not, we can console ourselves together!
I would have liked to have gone on the show. The exposure would be amazing and, really, you can't buy that kind of once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
But rejection is not going to stop me. I had so much fun at the interview, I'm going to apply for other shows - purely for the experience.
I should own up and say that I did go on The Generation Game in 1995 and if I can find a copy, I'll stick a bit of it on my website.
Don't laugh. I had a fantastic time and the whole experience was amazing!
Oh, it's OK. You can laugh (but only a bit).
With the July 1st 2007 smoking ban now in effect, there's never been a more popular time to stop smoking.
So many people have mailed me about their stopping smoking attempts, and one woman has now stopped with the aid of anti-smoking drug Champix. She cut down from 60 a day to stopping entirely.
This is brilliant news and proof that anyone can stop smoking at any time. The health benefits are immediately noticeable.
So, to the two people who spoke to me this week about stopping smoking WELL DONE. You're an inspiration to us all, and to all the people who want to lose weight, stop smoking, or live more healthily.
This will be the shortest movie review I've ever written. Why, because Shrek 3 is a pale imitator of the previous two movies and if you've seen any of the awesome ogre's adventures then you'll know exactly what to expect here.
Only there's far less of everything...
This third sojourn to Far Far Away is technically splendid. It has all the right elements in all the right places, but it felt a bit flat and falls short of previous excellence. While the voice acting is as splendid as ever,
it seemed to be going through the motions without managing to sparkle.
That's not to say Shrek 3 isn't a good movie. It's just nothing new or exciting and the gags are few and far between.
Despite that, this is a comfortable and very watchable movie. It's nice to see the old gang back and while very little actually happens and the story is wafer thin, it's still exceedingly pleasurable to see Shrek and pals explore the make-believe land of Far Far Away for ninety minutes.
There were times when it looked absolutely real (I know, I know. Ogres don't exist).
Overall 7/10. Like old shoes, great to wear for a awhile but after a bit you want something a bit more stylish.
I went for a meal with my friends at a local restaurant on Sunday, and we happily sat down to eat, oblivious to the world.
The guy at the table next to mine had a very loud voice and he was talking to his partner about illnesses. They had finished eating and were sitting back, discussing colds, and medication and the like.
Now, I could just about handle that, but the conversation soon turned to chest colds and - well - your imagination is probably already working overtime with all kinds of interesting adjectives to describe the situation...
I can't watch anything even remotely gross when I’m eating; I can stomach pretty much anything normally, but I'm particularly squeamish when I’m putting food in my mouth.
So when they started talking about psoriasis, I was not only put off my food, I was pretty annoyed about it.
I'd tried to not listen, I'd tried hard to get my friends to talk, but nothing had worked.
So, I said something.
Angry, I blurted out: "Excuse me but that really is NOT the kind of appropriate subject matter for the dinner table".
Disaster!
OK I might have said it loudly, and I probably wasn't anything like as polite as I could have been, but my stomach was churning and I was pretty annoyed (at least I said excuse me. Surely that earns me some brownie points for courtesy?)
In return, the guy at the table exploded. He accused me of being rude and of listening to his conversation and that he could talk about what he liked. I realised I wasn’t going to make any headway, so I said only two further sentences to him, the last of which was: "If that is your idea of polite conversation..."
Clearly, he didn't like being confronted and wasn't prepared to back down in any way. There’s no wisdom in arguing with someone who isn’t prepared to see your point of view.
And that was pretty much that.
But afterward, this unpleasant incident got me thinking: when is it OK to speak your mind?
What constitutes acceptable conversation at the dinner table?
We are all in control of our actions. Our words and deeds affect everyone around us and we are ultimately responsible for behaving appropriately.
While I feel disappointed at my outburst to a complete stranger, I'm also frustrated that someone would show such a cavalier and inconsiderate attitude toward other people. I guess it's that lack of respect that makes me angry. I feel exactly the same in the cinema...
So. I will continue to speak my mind in future, but I have been humbled. While other people continue to be inconsiderate to each other, I will not. I will state my case while being mindful of the feelings of those around me.
After all, someone has to stand up for what is right.
And perhaps, despite the uncomfortable situation, that man might one day see my point of view.
Perhaps he might actually be sorry and realise what he had done.
Or maybe I'm just being hopelessly optimistic!
What do you think?
With the Live Earth concert behind us and everyone united against 'global warming' - it got the paranoid part of my mind working overtime.
I was thinking last night: couldn't the whole global warming thing just be part of some huge money making conspiracy...?
I mean: if you were the petroleum companies and you knew fossil fuels were running out, wouldn't you want to concoct a scheme whereby you could charge MORE for fuels, while limiting supply at the same time?
People are reducing their CO2 output by relying on alternative power sources, while the price of oil keeps rising.
Makes perfect sense to me.
If we can start a war over (mythical) weapons of mass destruction without repercussion, then the powers that be can get away with anything.
Or is that all just a bit cynical?
Everyone is proclaiming Al Gore's - An Inconvenient Truth a masterpiece of global warming awareness. Yet it's entirely one-sided, mentioning nothing of the warming effect of the sun or of the fact that volcanoes pump billions of tonnes of CO2 into the atmosphere every year. Or of the fact that the world goes through natural climate changes.
Instead it's all one great big complex mess of fear tactics designed to drive us all into hysteria!
Who really knows the truth? I certainly don't. But I do know that if I was at the top of a multi billion dollar petrochemical company, I'd want to do anything I could do keep the cash rolling in.
Makes you think, doesn't it?
Is it just me, or is the weather all screwed up?
While driving back from Milton Keynes on Friday, we entered a really dark patch of cloud on the motorway where it rained torrentially the whole time. The ground was like a river and visibility was next to nil.
The clouds were almost black and stretched off toward the horizon - there wasn't a patch of sunlight to be seen anywhere.
It was like a great disc lurking over Nottinghamshire - quite unnatural and entirely disconcerting.
And then, after a few miles of crawling along with the endless crash of rain beating down on the car, it subsided and we left the freaky weather behind.
But the weird thing was that the clouds were barely moving, and weirder still, the storm was still there when we came back on Sunday, only this time, it was much worse. The rain drops were huge and the splashing on the bonnet was deafening.
It reminds me a lot of the freak weather from Flash Gordon. Where Ming the Merciless sends down Hot Hail and weird typhoons.
It just struck me as odd, and a bit unnatural.
But what was even stranger (yes, it gets worse) is that there was a similar kind of thing in Sheffield. We came over the hill and there it was, this massive black cloud like a vulture hanging over the city and bombarding the streets with a deluge.
It's all a bit crazy.
Beauty and fashion is a serious issue nowadays. We idiolise the beautiful because we are conditioned to, almost from birth.
As soon as we can read we are told that we have to look and act a certain way if we want to be admired and popular.
It seems that our priorities have gone completely askew. What's important seems to be irrelevant nowadays. Sportsmen are being treated like gods while the people who really count work almost unseen. Scientists, doctors, and the people who tirelessly fight for justice have effects that span the ages, yet their voices go unheard; their names unknown.
We all have our own definition of what a hero is. Maybe they are the people who wear capes and soar through the skies of our comic books, or perhaps they are the champions of sport, or perhaps, they are the selfless inspirations to us all, the secret heroes who help us in subtle, yet profound ways.
So, in this world where our heroes are mostly those people who are little more than faces (and who do little actual good), I thought I'd try something different.
Go here and take a moment to look at the faces of the REAL heroes. People who have selflessly struggled to bring peace to the world over the last century.
Nobel Prize Winners for Medicine
Do you actually know any of these people, or their faces? I sincerely doubt it - yet their advancements in science and medicine have saved countless lives.
Don’t these people deserve more respect than: Beauty Is Skin Deep
Who is famous for… Well, need I really say it?
Or: David Beckham
Who is famous for, well, sports.
So, do these people deserve the wealthy, power, and status granted to them? Do they deserve to be escalated beyond the likes of those who have spent their entire lives selflessly working for the greater good?
In a world where pop and sports stars command six figure (and higher) salaries, the future for our society seems increasingly bleak as it becomes more and more centered on the things which ultimately don’t matter at all.
Sense of humour, compassion, selflessness, understanding – THESE are things which should be the focus of our respect. Not the ability to kick a ball around a field.
I’d like to say that I in NO WAY disrespect the incredible skill of sportsmen around the world, only that compared to the advancements in cancer, or a lifetime of aid to the sick and impoverished in Africa, these things pale into significance. And yet few people recognise them.
So, do we have the ability to choose our own idols? With peer pressure being such a powerful force, does anyone really choose who they respect nowadays?
I don’t think we’ll ever see pictures of the Nobel Prize Winners on the bedroom walls of most fourteen year olds, but it’s a nice thought to think that one day, the great minds, hearts, and spirits of the world will be held in higher esteem than the athletic prowess of David Beckham or what he's wearing to the latest movie premier.
PS3 sci-fi shooter Resistance: Fall of Man recently came under fire for including a gun battle inside what looked a bit like Manchester Cathedral. The Church threatened legal action against Sony.
Sony apologised: "It is clear to us that the connection between the congregation and the cathedral is a deeply personal and spiritual one. As a result, we have offended some of the congregation by using the cathedral in our science fiction game. It was never our intention to offend anyone and we would like to apologise unreservedly to all parts of the community who we might also have offended."
But the Church had to add: "We asked Sony to withdraw the game. They have refused to do this. We asked Sony to make a substantial donation to community groups nominated by the Cathedral. They have refused to do this. We also asked them to sign up to the Sacred Digital Guidelines. They have refused to do this. We fear that the next buildings to be cloned for virtual desecration could be a mosque, synagogue, temple or other churches."
OH PLEASE!
I'm outraged that this has happened and that we're living in an Absolutely Fabulous fantasy world of over-reacting and hyper political sensitivity, but really. It's JUST a game.
I think video games are the new blacks / gays / women - the next thing people can take a stab at for a bit of publicity.
Actually, I was going to write a reasoned piece about how I could see the Church's perspective, but actually, I can't. My fingers just won't type the words.
It's just a game and it's not particularly painting the Church in a bad light. If the game was about a secret sex cult that conducted teenage orgies on the alter, then maybe the Church would have a reason to get worked up. But it's not. It's a silly, sci-fi shooter with rayguns and aliens.
People need to get a grip. Never gonna happen, I know, but we're getting to the point now where no one will be able to breathe (except in a prescribed fashion) before the world and his politically correct brother gets in an uproar.
This is a pointless storm in a teacup and no one should be apologising for anything.
The Church should be grateful its getting some publicity. Heaven knows (ooh, a joke) it needs some. Its tactics are pretty low when it stoops to comments like: "We fear that the next buildings to be cloned for virtual desecration could be a mosque, synagogue, temple or other churches."
With people complaning about pretty much anything, I ask myself: where will all this end?
So I had a very exciting day at The Apprentice auditions yesterday.
I made it through to the next stage of callbacks and now I have to wait until Friday 13th July 2007 to find out if I made it through to the next round.
I signed a legal waiver saying I wouldn't talk about the audition process, so I won't...
But it was a fantastic day and you get to instantly bond with new people (all of whom were half my age!)
It's funny, though, how I went into the auditions not caring one bit about whether I got through or not, but with each stage of the process, I found myself wanting to get on the show more and more.Perhaps I'm curiously competitive?
However, I noticed that filming starts on 15th September 2007 in
London and lasts eight weeks. I'm not really sure I'd be willing to
give up eight weeks of my life for the show.
It really doesn't
matter, though. I'll cross that bridge if and when I get to it! Still,
it would be a unique opportunity and I'd be crazy to turn it down.
Watch this space!
I'm officially stumped! I only have a few hours to go before I have to print out my The Apprentice application form, and one of the questions has left me cold.
"Describe one thing you would do if you knew you wouldn't get caught!"
I can't think of anything I'd like to do.
So I turn the question over to you. What would YOU do if you knew you wouldn't get caught?
It's party time - almost! Harry Potter Book 7 is JUST around the corner and the world is about to explode with Pottermania for the very last time. 
With only a few weeks to go, I thought I'd give you MY speculations on what's going to happen in Book 7.
But before I start: I don't know anything, and I don't want to know. I just wanted to let you know what I'd do, were I writing the final chapter in Harry's Life.
So here we go.
Stu's Top Five Harry Potter Incidents
5. Harry will have an emotional ending to the final book where he gets to become a wizard of some renown and goes off into the world, leaving the story closed but open to possible sequels when JR Rowling is short of a bob or two...
4. Hagrid is killed defending Harry (dead certainty).
3. Sirius Black returns from wherever he was to look after Harry (and dies).
2. Dumbledore was never dead and comes back to 'save' harry by banishing voldemort while Harry watches helplessly (then dies)...
1. The survivors all life happily ever after, but tormented by their tragic sacrifices in the tremendous battle scrap between Lord Voldemort's forces and the Army of Harry...
They don't all die!
Will I be right?
Find out in just three short week's time.
