I'm actually proud to announce my new column for IGN and Warhammer Online.

It's called Warhammer Offline, and it will be my thoughts on the world of Warhammer, Massively Multiplayer Games, and, most importantly, Warhammer Online (due for release in 2008).

I really hope you like it.

The first few will be fairly quiet and unassuming (while I sort out my style) but once it gets going, there are some real rants in there.

Enjoy Warhammer Offline

If there's anything you want me to investigate / rant about / discuss, then get in touch.

It’s International Give Up Smoking Day, and to – well – celebrate, the NHS has released its first prescription-only pill to help people quit smoking.

The drug is called Varenicline (Champix), and the drug should normally be given alongside counselling and support.

Varenicline both stimulates and blocks specific nicotine receptors in the brain. It is thought that by stimulating the receptor it mimics the effects of nicotine to reduce cravings.

At the same time, it partially blocks the receptor preventing nicotine from binding to it, resulting in a weaker response in people who give in to temptation and have a cigarette.

Trials have shown the drug was effective after a 12-week course, with 44% of smokers managing to stop.

This compares with 18% of those given a placebo and 30% of those taking another anti-smoking drug, Bupropion, which is also available on the NHS.

The main side-effect of the drug, which costs about £1.95 a day, seems to be nausea.

So with the smoking ban coming in force from 1 July, there hasn’t been a better time to stop smoking.

Find Out More about Varenicline Here

So, Big Brother started again, and they gave a long disclaimer before the show about racism and how Channel 4 had broken all kinds of broadcasting laws...

Quite frankly, the world has clearly gone completely crazy if anyone would get riled up over the pointless and insipid babble of a vacuous, uneducated, and exceptionally mouthy, silly little girl.

I am, of course, talking about Jade Goody. She is, quite frankly, too shallow, pointless, and entirely insignificant to get worked up over.

People should pity her rather than reacting to her flapping mouth - which works entirely independent of her peanut-sized brain.

40,000 people complained about her outbursts to Channel 4. Maybe if they had donated the cost of their call to charity, we could get Jade a proper education.

Heaven knows she needs it! 

It's Big Brother, people. What do you REALLY expect?

Stop reacting to it! 

This is a pretty fun game. Part puzzler, part random. Lots to see and do.

And all in the name of milk. 

Get The Glass

MMM. Milk!

After yesterday’s discussion on stopping smoking (I’ll be doing one for binge-drinking in the near future), I’ve had an amazing response. So many of you want to quit, and that’s just brilliant.

I’m really moved by the response to my article, so I thought I’d give you my thoughts on how to demolish those cravings.

We all get them. It’s no secret that I crave chocolate, ice-cream, and fatty foods, or, let’s be honest, anything that’s high in fat and bad for me. I think it’s because I associate high-fat or sugary foods with security (being given them as a child), or perhaps it’s the self-destructive part of me just wanting to ruin my life.

So instead of exploding out of my jean size, I practise one of the following methods to distract myself from my cravings.

How To Defeat Your Cravings - Step One

The most important thing to remember is that cravings pass. They only last a few minutes (around five) so all you have to do is distract yourself for just long enough for your sanity to return and you can go on with your life without giving into your desires.

There are many different things you can do when you are tempted to pick up a cigarette. Some of them may sound stupid, but perhaps you can find one that works for you!

• Go for a walk
• Surf the internet
• Do short but vigorous exercise (weights, running, stairs, biking, swimming, dancing).
• Read a book
• Take a bath
• Watch a TV show
• Destroying your craving by listening to a song you really love (most of them last just long enough).
• Make a phone call (it’s often great just to tell someone how much you need a cigarette!)
• Speak to someone on the internet (add me to your MSN contacts and tell me how well you're doing!)
• Drink water (I really find this helps me)
• Chew on toothpicks
• Chew gum
• Keep your kitchen supplied with fruit and vegetables (they help wonders, carrot sticks and cigarette-shaped objects really do help)
• A really good distraction technique is to do a crossword or Sudoku
  puzzle. It gets your mind off the craving and keeps your hands busy. In
  fact, anything involving a pen or pencil is a great activity. 

How To Defeat Your Cravings - Step Two

Try to get yourself into the habit of distracting your cravings with other activities. Those hands want to be doing something after all those years of smoking, so typing on a keyboard, eating a carrot stick, or taking up a new hobby - all these things really DO help. 

How To Defeat Your Cravings - Step Three 

Don't put yourself in a familiar situation where you used to smoke. If you used to stand on the doorstep and have a crafty cigarette, wandering the garden in full sight of the back door probably isn't going to help.

Try and forge new activities to build on your old habits. If you used to crave a cigarette after dinner, then find something to replace that craving. I always crave chocolate directly after eating. I find if I wander the house looking for things to tidy, the craving soon pass. This is a new association I have replaced with my after-dinner cravings. After a while, it becomes natural and in time, routine. I find that after a week or so, my cravings for chocolate have completely subsided...

Remember, and I can’t say this often enough: your cravings will pass in just a few minutes. They might come back time and time again (but they will diminish, and suprisingly quickly) but once you realise this crucial fact, you’ve got all the power you need to diminish them.

I wish you all the luck in the world for stopping smoking.

Just think of all the money (and time) you'll save just by cutting out that vile habit.

Let me know if any of this helped you to stop smoking, and how you're doing.

A friend of mine is trying to stop smoking. So I thought I’d do some research on the benefits of quitting the foul weed!

Here’s what you should expect to find when you stop smoking.

• Within a day or so of quitting, your body gets rid of all the poisonous carbon monoxide gas found in cigarette smoke. As a result, oxygen levels in your blood increase which will improve the appearance of your complexion.
• Smoking also constricts blood vessels, so your blood will begin to flow more easily. If you have poor circulation, this means your fingers and toes won't feel the cold as much.
• Your sleep will improve once you are over the initial withdrawal symptoms.
• Your sense of taste and smell will improve quickly - so much so you may start to be irritated by others' smoke and the way it clings to your clothes and hair.
• More cash. Smoking is expensive. Now you have more income to spend on other things (ideally, healthy foods to counteract all those years of cancerous smoking abuse!)
• Sense of achievement. You've stopped. That's fantastic! Well done! Give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back!
  

THE BENEFITS OF STOPPING SMOKING

After 30 minutes: Blood pressure and pulse are normalised, blood circulation increases.

After 8 hours: The level of carbon monoxide in the blood falls.

After 48 hours: Carbon monoxide from smoke and nicotine have disappeared completely.

After 2-3 days: Less or no phlegm in the throat, fewer breathing difficulties.

After 5-7 days: Your senses of taste and smell will improve, your breath is fresher, your teeth are cleaner and your energy levels higher.

After 2-3 weeks: Physical withdrawal symptoms will stop, and you can now go several hours without thinking about smoking. Your risk of blood clots (thrombosis) is reduced.

After 4 weeks: Coughing, blocked sinuses, and breathing difficulties should disappear. Less fatigue and more energy. The lungs are better able to resist infection.

After 2-3 months: Lung function improves by five per cent.

After 1 year: The risk of developing cardiovascular disease is halved.

After 2-3 years: The risk of developing severe pneumonia or flu is the same as for a non-smoker. Your risk of heart disease, angina (chest pains) and stroke continues to fall.

After 5 years: The risk of throat, oesophageal and bladder cancer is halved.

After 5-10 years: The risk of developing cardiovascular disease or thrombosis (blood clots) is the same as for a non-smoker.

After 10 years: The risk of lung cancer is halved. The risk of developing osteoporosis decreases.

After 15-20 years: The risk of lung, throat, oesophageal or bladder cancer is the same as for a non-smoker. But heavy smokers (20+ a day) have double the risk of lung cancer for the rest of their lives.

OTHER BENEFITS

Less stress: Once they have stopped smoking for a few months, heavy smokers tend to rate themselves as less stressed. There is evidence that nicotine may actually cause stress in smokers. It's thought that smokers go into nicotine withdrawal between cigarettes, and it's the satisfaction of the nicotine craving that creates the perception of stress-relief.

QUITTING

During the early days and weeks of your quit, it's a good idea to set realistic goals instead of thinking 'I must quit now and forever'.

You can increase your motivation if you reward yourself at lots of milestones along the way - for example reaching one day quit, then three, then a week, two weeks, a month, etc. Many small victories will build your confidence.

RESISTING THE URGE

One of the most difficult things about stopping smoking is learning how to resist the urge to smoke.

When you first stop, you'll find cravings come regularly, but usually disappear within a couple of minutes.

Craving is a bit like a well-developed muscle - once you stop using the muscle, it will eventually wither or shrink. You help this process every time you conquer a craving.

By learning to cope with cravings, you win on all fronts: the cravings subside and you start to regain control over your addiction.

WHAT IF I FAIL?

Most smokers try to quit several times before they succeed, learning a bit more about their habit and weaknesses at each attempt. On average, it takes around five attempts to quit successfully.

Although you may succeed first time, for most smoking cessation is a learning process in which you gradually discover more about the situations and emotions that are likely to trip you up.

Don't lose heart if you start smoking again. Analyse what happened so you don't make the same mistake next time. Ask yourself the following questions:

• What was I doing when I relapsed?
• Who was I with?
• What mood was I in?
• What could I have done instead of reaching for a cigarette?

Good luck to anyone thinking of stopping smoking in 2007

Based on a text by Dr Carl Brandt

I read these names from various sources but I expect some of them are actually serious contenders for the role of He-Man.

Here's my list of people who absolutely shouldn't be let anywhere near Castle Greyskull:

• Brad Pitt - Brad's great and all but this role is not for him
• Vin Diesel - too dark
  
• The Rock - too wooden
  
• Tom Cruise - too short (I think someone was having a joke here)!
• Arnold Schwartzenegger - too old
• Dolph Lundgrun - no, please god, NO! (no amount of good movies could ever make up for all the terrible ones he's made).
  
• Kevin Sorbo (Hercules) - Wrong. Just wrong Wrong WRONG!
  

Let's have someone really perfect for the role; if not a popular actor (which these things always are to pull in the punters) then make it an unknown. 

After all, isn't it really about a person being right for the role (coughs - Constantine)?

Or is just purely about the cash?

If you're of a certain age, you'll have dashed home on a weekday evening to watch He-Man on the telly.

Since the show's cancellation, we've not heard much from He-Man in the past two decades (apart from that abysmal Dolph Lundgren movie and the almost-as-rubbish New Adventures of He-Man - which should never be watched by anyone, ever).

But fear not Filmation Fans - For director Joel Silver has the power!

He's making a He-Man movie. That's right, a proper honest-to-goodness Eternia loving movie!

It better be a faithful rendition of the cartoon and there BETTER be Battle Cat...

Or there'll be trouble.

So, who should play He-Man?

My money's on Gerrard Butler (300).

What do you think? 

Anyway. You can see the opening titles to He-Man here: I Have The Power! 

I was so very enthusiastic about The Lord of the Rings Online: Shadows of Angmar, but lately I've been finding it tough to motivate myself to log in.

Don't get me wrong, it's a great game, but it's just TOO MUCH like World of Warcraft for my liking. The quests are fun and the world is gorgeous, but it's all just so much of the same (old) thing.

And then it hit me: I have MMO ennui.

I've been playing Massively Multiplayer Games for so long, I've officially become jaded.

After all, how many times can you do the same types of quests or play the same types of characters?

In a pen & paper role playing game, the world and the setting and the characters are all very different and every adventure is unique, but it's much more limited in a MMO.

So, I'm officially tired.

I want something new, something exciting, something that pushes the boundaries of gaming. Something that plays like Warcraft but has a completely new feel with a brand new way of doing things.

But my expectations are so very high.

Looking to the horizon, we've got Age of Conan, and the delicious Warhammer Online. Will either of those games provide the fix I'm looking for?

I sincerely doubt it.

Will I ever be in love with a MMO again, or are those days long gone?

Can ANY game bring back the feelings I had when I first logged in to Asheron's Call all those years ago? It was love at first sight!

I know I'm not bored with games in general as I'm currently having a sordid love affair with God of War 2 (see my review in an earlier post) and an even steamier affair with Final Fantasy III on my (pink) DS (review to come).

Maybe my days of wasting an entire evening on a MMO are long gone.

Maybe what my mother said to me all those years ago was true and it WAS just a phase...

Whatever happens, I will be closely looking to the future.

Developers take note! I want my love affair back! 

What is it with hotels that suddenly makes people really nice to each other?

In hotels across the world, the barriers come down and it becomes acceptable to greet everyone you meet with a cheerful hello.

Is the 'hello' really an 'oh my god I'm so starved of human contact in this bleak hotel room...'? or is it just some way to fill the uncomfortable silence when passing in a hallway?

We can't we be like this in every day life, and not just in the pseudo-reality of hotel life?

It seems to happen all across the world in pretty much every culture, and is just something I noticed this morning when everyone I passed in the corridors was greeting me in an abnormally cheerful manner.

My forums are being innundated with spammers and botters.

Grrr. Don't these people have anything better to do?

Being technically iliterate, I've no idea how they're doing it.

I wonder if they're somehow automating the process and spreading their filthy internet links across the web in their thousands.

It's very frustrating!

Clearly, these weasels have no life. 

Update: I did a web search on the spammers who have signed up my website and it seems they've signed up to hundreds of websites at the same time. I wish there was some kind of spray to eradicate these pests once and for all...

So, Wizards of the Coast released their new sourcebook this week. It's called Complete Champion and it's for Dungeons & Dragons.

Now, I've not written a Dungeons & Dragons book in years; I've been a bit too busy, but after they stole my best ideas in their Libris Mortis book (which was thankfully another load of unrealised crap! Developers - if you're going to steal ideas, at least make sure you know where you're going with them!), I felt I needed to keep a close eye on this one.

I needn't have bothered.

It's just another old and tired gamebook containing nothing new or exciting.

Wizards, get your fingers out and write something fresh and wonderful and not the same old extensions of powers and abilities like you've been doing for all these years.

It made me realise just how little innovation there is in the gaming industry, both table top and computer gaming.

It almost makes me want to finish my 70% Powers of Light book... 

Maybe I should start up a 'Who Would Buy This Book?' poll. 

But seriously. New powers and abilities is NOT all these sourcebooks are about. You CAN write about other stuff you know... 

So Blizzard's new game is Starcraft 2.

While the entire population of Korea gasps in orgasmic frenzy, the rest of the world breathes an audible sigh of apathy.

I think we were generally expecting something... well, exciting!

While I love the whole RTS thing, I have to admit I'd have been much happier with Warcraft 4.

Or something new and exciting. 

But no. Starcraft 2 is what we get.

And there was no World of Warcraft expansion details, no Diablo 3 information.

Come on, Blizzard, get your act together! 

Find out more at www.blizzard.com

I'm now stationed in Milton Keynes, UK, for four months.

And, despite its reputation, it's not nearly as bad as people make it out to be!

Poor Milton Keynes, the bastard love-child of the nation. 

Should you WISH to, you can find out about all Milton Keynes has to offer by going to the official website: 

I Wanna Open My Eyes to the Wonders of Milton Keynes!

Or alternatively, you could just ignore this post and wait for something interesting to come along... 

Remember the Rednex from the mid '90s? They had a huge number 1 hit single in the UK with Cotton Eye Joe before fading forever from the face of the Earth!

Well they're back, kind of. On EBAY: For Sale - Crappy '90s Band

They're asking for a cool one and a half million quid! Bargain! Let's have two. Maybe if we bought them they'd throw in Chumbawumba as a freebie!

So, what do you get for your cash? Well, you get the lot (contracts, merchandise rights, tour rights), but as they don't have a recording contract or any kind of a deal, it looks a bit like a white elephant, doesn't it?

On the plus side, those grateful Rednex are offering anyone who gets them a buyer a cool £25,000.

So if you know any multi-millionaire record label owners, now would be the time to phone them...

And presumably warn from them wasting their cash.

There's been much speculation, and Blizzard's PR department has been working in overdrive, but the time has almost come to reveal their new game.

For the past week the Blizzard website has been teasing us with details of their old games.

We've seen:

• WarCraft: Orcs & Humans
• StarCraft
• Diablo 2
• WarCraft III: Reign of Chaos
• World of Warcraft

What will their new game be? My money's on Diablo 3. At least I hope so!

We'll find out everything on Friday. 

Visit Blizzard's Website

I'm not sure there are enough Massively Multiplayer Online Games on the market.

I think we need another...

Clearly, Funcom have heard my pleas and announced their mysterious new real world / horror MMO yesterday.

It's called: The Secret World, and there's an even more mysterious website counting down to something.

Visit the Teaser Website by Clicking here.

Read the press release here. 

We’ve all heard the rumours about the Church of Scientology: alien souls, brainwashing, cult status, fair game on your enemies, disconnection – oh the list of dubious activities that are attributed to the Church goes on and on.

So when Panorama’s John Sweeney went to investigate, I was hooked.

Foreward: We are all entitled to our opinions, beliefs and to live life the way we like without judgement from others. I would never wish to insult another’s beliefs – especially in my column. What follows are merely my opinions from the TV show. I could be very wrong and if I am, please do let me know.

As you know, it’s impossible to make a proper judgement about something without seeing it first hand, but if the Church really was the benevolent organisation it wants people to believe it is, why did it go out of its way to hound John Sweeney throughout his time investigating the religion?

John Sweeney is a good reporter, but he seemed genuinely flustered during the making of this documentary.

For an organisation that has “nothing to hide”, they denied the BBC access to interviews, and the celebrities interviewed pulled out at the last minute (following letters to the BBC from their lawyers).

There wasn’t any open door footage or interviews with existing members (even non famous ones). In fact, it seemed as though the BBC met with a brick wall during their investigation. Not a great start from an organisation seeking acceptance as a proper religion in the UK.

Fair Game: “Fair Game” was what founder of Scientology L. Ron Hubbard described as the method to get revenge on those who discredit the Church. While the Church denies this occurs, we saw some very interesting evidence of it in this in the show:

• They visited John Sweeney during an interview with an anti-Scientologist to inform him that the man was an ex-male prostitute (and proceeded to list his various sex and drug crimes).
• There were ‘warning’ posters of this man all over town.
• They followed John and placed ‘spies’ in his hotel. John was literally followed everywhere he went and no sooner did he start speaking to someone – there was the Church a short while later with yet another story to discredit his source.

But all of this is circumstantial. The most interesting evidence is the footage leaked to Youtube: Panorama - John Sweeney Outburst

This was CLEARLY done in an attempt to discredit John as a credible reporter. It was footage taken from Scientology cameras that filmed John Sweeney while he made his documentary. Update: A bit of searching showed me that the poster of this video is – yes – you guessed it – a Scientologist.

Draw your own conclusions!

The alarm bells next rang with the Church’s representative who was exceedingly angry with the BBC’s attitude toward his religion.

If someone tried to discredit my religion – I’d laugh about it. A secure person’s beliefs shouldn’t be shaken by the doubts of another. Everyone has an opinion - people who slag off my books make me smile. They’re entitled to dislike them just as I’m entitled to give 28 Weeks Later a scathing review – I just didn’t like it. You cannot please everyone!

So, when the Church’s liaison grew angry and threatened John Sweeney for trying to discredit his religion, I find that a little bit odd – more so because the Church’s members are supposed to be well-rounded and balanced individuals.

Well, none of that was shown in this documentary. In fact, the Church’s liaison was quite the opposite, coming across as paranoid, difficult, angry, and very ignorant. He even threatened John by saying “If you don’t stop, I won’t be held responsible…”

Not a great start for the ‘spokesman’ of the religion.

So, at the end of this show, we were left with a huge question mark over the Church of Scientology. We were given very little in the way of new information, and the Church seemed to have gone out of its way to paint as dark a picture of itself as possible.

I just think that anyone who has nothing to hide greets others with open arms. They are friendly, considerate, and welcoming. The Church’s representatives were anything but that. They seemed anxious to keep whatever secrets the Church has and to perpetuate the myth that the religion is a cult, and that it continues to practise its old heavy-handed and controlling ways.

Certainly, a secure organisation with nothing to hide does not mind a doubter visiting its dissidents and speaking to those people who have left their number – after all, they’ve nothing to hide!

With the Church seeking approval as a religion, I’m sure we’ll hear more from them in the coming years.

I, for one, look forward to it.

The thing about Bridge to Terabithia, is that there are two versions of this movie. There’s the one you think you’re going to see when you watch the trailer: a Harry Potter-esque, high fantasy adventure into Narnia…

And then there’s the real movie – a ninety minute story about the
rather mundane lives of two children in an American high-school rife
with bullies.

Of course, if you’ve read the book by Katherine Paterson, you’ll be
utterly unsurprised by this faithful adaptation which is lacking in
magic, or adventure of any kind. 

As enjoyable as it was, I couldn’t help thinking: why on earth did anyone make this movie? There’s not enough worthwhile content to fill ninety minutes and it was all just a bit underwhelming.

It doesn’t help when the trailer is brimming with all the special effects of the movie – it fails to show you the other eighty five minutes where nothing really happens.

I couldn’t help but feel a bit duped.

The two child actors: Josh Hutcherson as Jesse Aarons and AnnaSophia Robb as Leslie Burke, both do an awesome performance and it’s a pity Henderson isn’t a bit older as he could have been Harry Potter from the start. He’s just about old enough and would have been a much better choice than the lackluster Daniel Radcliffe, who, admittedly is starting to come into his own how he’s a bit more mature.

So Bridge To Terabithia is about to two teenagers, their lives, their relationships with their families and each other. When they discover Terabithia – an imaginary world that exists beyond the river – their ‘reality’ starts to blur as their magical kingdom is filled with mystical versions of the bullies they encounter every day at school. In the real world life is painful, but in Terabithia they are the king and queen and can do literally anything they desire.

While this was a pleasant enough movie, I felt it was out of place on
the big screen and was more suited to a made-for-tv movie. While the
special effects are good, they’re nothing compared to the likes of the
Sky One’s Hogfather.

Bridge to Terabithia just felt a bit too small to be on the big screen.

It’s a Sunday afternoon Hallmark Channel movie that simply cannot compete with the likes of Narnia, The Golden Compass, or Harry Potter. It’s sentimental, it’s nothing like I wanted it to be, and it’s needlessly sad.

But the message of the film is a good one: be happy with who you are – we’re all individuals and that’s what makes us wonderful!

6/10. Wonderful child acting, but stop making films that are vastly different to the trailer. It’s practically false advertising.

So the Eurovision Song Contest was on last night, and not-surprisingly, we got votes from just two countries: Ireland and Malta.

We came second from the bottom of the scoreboard; somewhat better than our Gemini fiasco a few years back, but still pretty dire!

Personally, I thought we had a chance of doing OK this year. Our song, Flying the Flag, by ageing pop quartet Scooch, was just the sort of camp poppy trash that Eurovision laps up.

However, we did look ten years out of date. All of the other countries had upped their game (bringing their music in the new millennium from the dark ages), while all we could muster was a failed pop band from the late 90s.

Overall, a miserable effort from the UK.

The voting was – well, the voting was interesting. For those of you who don't know – instead of voting for their favourites – countries in the Eurovision vote based on location (so the Eastern European countries vote for their neighbours).

This makes things a bit unfair, for as they're such a power these days, their combined voting power means few West European countries have a chance of winning?

I’m not going to say much about the winning country: Serbia. It was an OK song, but yet another gimmick – I won’t say what their gimmick was, but it was an all girl group (does that give anything away?).

So, with not one Western European country in the top 5 finalists, has the Eurovision Song Contest become a bit predictable?

It seems that politically, no one likes the UK (can't think why), and if we're not going to get any votes from the rest of Europe, is there any point in taking party just to show face?

Really, it might sound defeatist but is there any point in taking part in a competition when you know you have no chance of winning?

Find out more about the Eurovision Song Contest by clicking here, or going to: http://www.eurovision.tv

28 Weeks Later is the sequel to 2002's cult success 28 Days Later, a violent horror-thon detailing the outbreak of the Rage Virus, a disease that transforms the infected into living zombies whose only desire is to tear at the flesh of the living and to create more Rage-infected zom... Infected (we're not allowed to call them zombies - 'cos apparently they're not!)

It's a terrifyingly real tale of zombies and panic and has the unique privilege of actually being a good UK horror movie by Sunshine director Danny Boyle (oh how did you go so wrong with Sunshine?). 

So now you know the gory back-story, onto the sequel.

It's 28 Weeks after the initial infection and the zombies, I mean Rage Infected have finally died of hunger. But all is not lost, for the the US Army has cleansed a section of London (called District One) for the survivors to return to. It's home away from home while the rest of the UK is purged of the terrors of the Rage plague.

Robert Carlyle plays a husband who abandons his wife in the early moments of the movie to an Infected attack, and who escapes to find himself at District One waiting to meet his children who are being flown back to the UK from Spain (the UK was quarantined for six months until it was safe to return - which is why the plague was contained in the UK and didn't spread to Europe.)

These are the first kids to return to UK soil, and naturally, being kids, they don't understand the 'laws' put in place to protect the citizens of District One from harm (although there are no Infected remaining, there's terrible disease out there in the wasteland of London).

Without wishing to ruin the story, when these kids sneak away from District One - all manner of trouble ensues and it's a Chase Against Time to avoid being eaten...

Overall, if I had to use one word to describe this movie it would be: unfocussed. It's more about the Army than the Infected (who are relegated to mere back-story and really don't have much of a role in this movie). It's a cross between Night and Dawn of the Dead and really isn't any better for the wealth of source material out there.

The scenes in deserted London are excellent. As in 28 Days Later, there are many scenes of an eerily empty London, from Tower Bridge to aerial views of a city wholly devoid of life, but it still doesn't quite capture the bleak feel of the first movie, and, if anything, it's clearer here that the scenes were shot just after dawn (as there are huge shadows draped across the buildings).

My pet hate is the camera angles... They're all over the place and while this is 'meant' to look realistic and gritty, it just makes me feel sick!

28 Weeks Later is more like a kids' movie than it should perhaps be. It felt a bit like an adult version of the Chronicles of Narnia than a sequel to a horror movie. It's all explosions and gore and the Infected really don't have any kind of meat in this movie. There's none of the terror of the tyre-change scene under the bridge, or the chase up the high-rise. The Infected are just there, almost as an obligatory set piece. They're not particularly scary and when they're not slamming against windows (accompanied by the cheap musical sting), they're really not doing a great deal. 

As a fan of the original movie, I expected more Infected, more scary chases, more exploration of the story - more everything!

I was denied.

This movie contains none of the pacing, flavour, or story of the original. It could so easily have been a movie about the US Army facing a bunch of football hooligans in London.

I was sorely disappointed. 4/10.

Ooh exciting, new skills, quests, zones, and ENTS! 

Here's the press release - Champions, get ready to /dance1

The greatest fantasy of all time continues to expand! Beginning in May, heroes can adventure to the shores of Evendim, the first free update to The Lord of the Rings Online.

Less than a month after the launch of the most complete and authentic recreation of Middle-earth, Turbine will deliver the first of many significant expansions to game. Beginning with Book 9: Evendim players will have an enormous new area to explore with over 60 new quests to complete. There are also major improvements to the popular music and monster play systems along with the first major raid in the game.

About 100 miles north of the Shire, in northern Eriador, lies the vast region of Evendim. The region is dominated by a large lake named Nenuial, the “Lake of the Twilight.” On the southern shore of the lake lies the ancient abandoned city of Annúminas—the former capital of the kingdom of Arnor. Legends of great wealth and powerful artifacts amidst the ruins of the capital are well known amongst the Free Peoples, and now these legends are beginning to attract the attention of evil creatures and the nefarious forces lurking in Angmar.

As the Fellowship continues its preparations to leave Rivendell, Aragorn is preparing to re-forge Narsil—the sword that cut the One Ring from Sauron’s hand—into Anduril, Flame of the West. For the light to be returned to the blade, a relic must be found in the ancient tombs of Annúminas.

There are reports of an Ent roaming the forest of the Twilight Hills looking for the long-missing Entwives. He has dwelt in these hills since before the army of the last Alliance moved through to defeat Angmar and knows something of the events of that age.

Players are challenged to protect the valuables of the abandoned city; to defy Angmar’s encroaching grip on Annúminas; and to aid Aragorn in his quest to re-forge Narsil.

Key Features:

• Explore vast new lands designed for level 30+ players
  
• Over 60 new quests
  
• Join with fellow heroes in a massive raid of Helegrod to challenge the fearsome dragon Thorog
  
• Enhanced music system adds new instruments and lets you share your music with others
  
• 9 new monsters, plus the first encounter with an Ent
  
• Six new skills and enhanced abilities for the Champion class

Well, it's been on everyone's lips: just how well is The Lord of the Rings Online really doing?

All this back-patting from Codemasters / Turbine, yet no signs that the game is performing in accordance with their congratulatory promotion. 

Until now...

An EU server is opening soon - Gilrain - the first of, hopefully, many.

I must say that the servers do look rather crowded. My server last night was jam-packed with folks in Bree, making it almost unplayable!

So this is good news! 

So if you are starting a new char, this is the server to join!

The media is really making my blood boil, lately.

Following on from the Hasselhoff 'leaked' tape incident (see below), pop princess Kylie Minogue was seen having lunch with married film director Alexander Dahm.

Oh my god - what a slut! How could she?

Seriously. What is it with our media? Can't a woman meet a man for a simple meal without it making front page news?

Does there always have to be some story surrounding these things? 

I'm not going to harp on about the media - I think everyone knows how low their standards are and that there's no stone they won't stoop to turn to get a story - true or not - but this is just an example of how shoddy our standards are - how far we'll go to get that vicarious thrill.

Honestly. Can't someone go to dinner with a friend/colleague/lover without it being turned into the scene of a major publicity incident.

I'm fairly sure that if Kylie was having an affair, she'd pretty much keep it quiet instead of being seen in public and knowing her face would be splashed all over the papers. 

A very sad story indeed and a sad indictment on our media. 

So, David Hassellhoff had a mysterious home video 'leaked' to the internet this week.

Hasselhoff Drunk? 

It shows him eating a massive hamburger, slurring his words, being drunk, and generally lolling around on the floor!

Oh come on! Who do these people think we are?!

Videos like this don't just get 'leaked' to the internet! How stupid do the publicists think we are?

Is is coincidence that his book 'Don't Hassle the Hoff' is being released this week? I think not!

So, to promote my new book, there'll be a mysterious video leaked to the web of me smearing my body in chocolate, roller skating naked, and accosting small animals at a local farm, but it'll be leaked, and I'll be truly penitent in my post-revelation interviews.

Watch for it on Youtube - soon.

What does this look like to you:

Nothing sexual to see here! It's all in your mind!

It is, in fact, the Green Bird Building, an 83 storey skyscraper shortly to be erected in London.

And here it is again - this time from a bird's eye view, thrusting up into the skyline...

They called the building at 30 St. Mary's Axe "The Big Gherkin".

 

So, what on EARTH are they going to call this new behemoth?

Post your answers below. The best will win a prize (I promise that it won't be anything from Anne Summers)! 

To help you, here are some of the words I could have used in this article:  cocked, elevated, firm, perpendicular, rigid, stiff, straight, upright, upstanding.

Each and every one of them brings a smile to my face (mind you, I snicker every time I hear the announcer say 'Cockfosters' on the tube).

This post has become the love child of the Carry On and Police Academy movies! I apologise for it right now, and promise that normal service will resume tomorrow! 

If I can get my mind out of the gutter! 

Oh how many hours have I spent playing this when I should be writing...?

The answer is too many!

Desktop Defence

OK so it's totally non PC, but it's a fun game and well worthy of a half hour's play. 

Play Kitten Cannon

But why are still playing this homogeous and uninspired game? Is it that people flock to the lowest possible denominator , the path of least resistance to entertainment, or it could just be that there's no other game to come close to matching WOW's playability. 

I’d like to say that Spiderman 3 does not deserve the poor scores and harsh words it has received from the critics. In fact, as a pre-summer blockbuster, it's actually quite good. it's not mind-blowing by any means, but find out why below. This article is spoiler free!

Weighing in at 140 minutes, Spiderman 3 is a long movie, and it’s not necessarily better for it.

They say less is more, and in some cases that’s true, but this is a hurried movie with lots going on and very little time spent focusing on any one of the storylines. It could have been another half hour longer and that would probably have been sufficient time to give all the storylines sufficient attention. But that would have made the movie too long, and right now, it was already a bit too long...

Right now, there’s too little of too much here.

Firstly, there's a lot going on in this movie. In fact there's LOADS in this movie. It's crammed with so many storylines, Mary Jane and Peter, Spiderman versus The Sandman / Venom / Hobgoblin, Parker's friendship with Harry Osborn, the Gwen Stacey storyline - there are others, too. It's a lot, and in some ways, it doesn't really work as the movie could have removed any one storyline and still have a perfectly flowing movie.

Right now, it just felt a little constricted as no one really got sufficient attention. The venom storyline was relegated to what seemed to be an afterthought. He was barely in it, which I found sorely disappointing!

Secondly, Spiderman/Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) looks like he's going through the motions. There's little real energy from him - or from any of the main cast, and they just look as though they are reading their lines and going home (to a fat pay cheque). It all felt a little hollow, especially when they were delivering those heart-felt scenes that felt a little flat. Mary Jane (Kirsten Dunst) again is relegated to the hapless heroin, and again, she does very little other than stare longingly into the distance, and generally little else to move the story along.

She’s merely there for the villains to exploit (as they so often do in superhero movies).

Lesson 1 in Being a Superhero: Never date a mortal. Always date another superhero - a really tough one that’s impervious to pain!

The Black Suit: So much hype and excitement surrounded Spiderman’s black alien suit…  I remember thinking how cool it was going to be having an ‘evil’ Spiderman in a movie. That was years ago – in a more naïve time. After seeing Peter Parker/Spiderman’s evil side, all I can say is: never piss me off by cheating at cards! His ‘dark’ persona was a smug, over-confident asshole, and his evil side was wishy-washy at best. I’ve seen more evil in '80s TV glamathon Dallas.

Special Effects: The special effects were typically amazing, although I found the first fight between Osborn/Hobgoblin and Spiderman to be too fast, too blurred, dark, and confusing. Other than that, spectacular effects - well worthy of the Spiderman brand.

Not Enough Stuff: As I've said above, my ultimate gripe is that there's just not enough of anything in this movie. Not enough Mary Jane, Aunt May, Harry Osborn, Hobgoblin, Sandman, or Venom. And there's certainly not enough Spiderman, and when he is there, his outfit is torn and he's half Peter Parker underneath. It was as though Tobey Maguire demanded more Peter Parker time (for maximum exposure) so it's Spiderman in every scene with his mask off, showing the world (or anyone with a zoom lens) who he really is.

Suck it and See: I liked Spiderman 3. While I've spent five
hundred words saying what's wrong with the movie, there were some great
moments, some fantastic fights and some interesting character
development. I thought it could have been shorter, with fewer villains
and more attention devoted to those featured. There could have been
fewer tears and a lot less angsty Dawson's Creek-type moments. But
overall, it was a good movie, even if it did feel a little tired.

7/10 - it's not the movie we all wanted but is a worthy successor to the Spiderman series.

So, I've been playing LOTRO for seven days now. Well, actually, it was only five because the servers were down for two days.

My time in Middle Earth is now complete and it's time for my review. 

Now, I want to start by saying that we live in a competitive age. There are tonnes of MMOs out there and a game has to be really good these days to compete. It has to be at least as good as its competition, and lately, that standard has been high indeed. The Lord of the Rings: Shadows of Angmar is Turbine's fourth attempt at a massively multiplayer online game - with the emphasis being on the massive part.

Launch Impressions: I don't think the launch was particularly impressive. The servers were all over the place with a great deal of down time. I couldn't play at all for two of the seven days of my play time. I know there's a good amount of patience to be had at the start of any new game, but really, that's unacceptable. I work in project management and if the servers I'd installed had these problems, I'd be out of a job. Yet we accept the shoddy service in MMOs - not quite sure why.

That said, on to the review.

I'm going to put the summary at the start, because I can start there and work backward. The game is good, with the potential to be fantastic, but there are some annoying niggles which prevent it from greatness, and which may stop it from ever being the game it deserves to be.

Note: I feel that other reviews have perhaps been overly generous, whether that's because it's the Lord of the Rings, or because of kindness toward Turbine's previous releases (that have been less than favourable), or simply because they love the game, I can't say, but here are my honest and unbiased comments.

DISCLAIMER: I am NOT a World of Warcraft fan. I don't even play the game. I find it the lowest common denominator of MMos. But I can see why it was so massively successul and those thoughts will filter into this review.

Atmosphere: I'm starting with this because it's so great. In this area the game has no competition. The world feels alive. It's totally in keeping with the books and there really is a lot to see and do. Nothing like seeing the party field behind Bag End for the first time, or a hulking cave troll - just like the movie (even though it's not supposed to have anything to do with the movies). The Nazgul are abroad, working their nefarious schemes and the flavour of Middle Earth is everywhere. It all looks so beautiful and it's totally immersive - far more so than any other game!

Graphic Engine: Of most importance is the game's engine. I'm going to talk about this a lot - it's the first thing you see when you start up a game and the tool you have to use every moment you play. Turbine's engine is great, but it just doesn't feel finished to me. It's neither smooth nor particularly polished. There are no apparent bugs, but when you're gliding across the floor while being attacked, that needs some work.

I am going to talk about the Warcraft engine now. The reason WOW was so very successful was that the engine was so beautiful. It was immediately accessible to whoever you were - old or new gamer. Regardless of game play, the engine was stable and polished - it just felt 'right'. Other games haven't quite managed to get that balance in their engines. LOTRO feels ever so slightly clunky and some things (like targetting) are more work than they need to be. I also had trouble with emotes and the chat engine isn't as polished as it should be (but Turbine have had trouble with that in the past)  

That said, it is a perfectly serviceable engine, derived from AC2. I'd have preferred a new engine, but this one does the trick.

But by far the most irritating thing about the combat system is this: all of your powers are on a time delay, which means when you click on an icon, there's a time period between that click and the ability coming into effect. This takes away any sense of realism from the combat and makes it more of a generic point and click combat. I noticed on many occasions that I'd clicked on a potion to use it, and yet I'd died before I'd even had a chance to drink it, because the engine was off doing something else (I was swinging my staff or generally whirling about). The pacing just feels wrong here. I'd have preferred a more intuitive combat system, but this is clearly just a matter of preference and will take some getting used to.

Questing:  There are so many quests in Middle Earth. Really, the world is filled with them. The Shire is crammed with quests of all kinds, from the generic take X here or kill X creatures, to the more unusual, like pie eating contests. There are a lot of new and fun quests and it's the difference in quests which makes the game interesting and really detracts from other games of its type. The epic quest line in particular is fantastic and the story is exactly what you'd expect it to be from a game based on Tolkien's work.

People have complained that the quests are too vague, but who wants handholding? There are other games like that that walk you through the quests (even telling you exactly where to go on your minimap). When a quest giver says: "oh, somewhere to the north", people this is GOOD. It means you have to explore, to take time finding that person. Really, if you can't be bothered to look, then you're in the wrong game. I hear people ask all day long where X is - something I found after two minutes of exploration.

It seems people want spoon feeding throughout their games.

Classes: I've only played the Loremaster to level 15, and I thought the whole statement of 'there are no wizards in this game' was an utterly shameless promotion. Loremasters are absolutely the same as mages in any other game. They've got fire spells which they throw, and debuffs and all the staple spells of wizards. I just fail to see how they're any different. Loremasters seem very weak, and they're not perhaps as much fun as I'd hoped they be. Certainly, most other classes can kill things in a fraction of the time of the loremaster - but I have a feeling their time will come at higher levels.

The classes are fun, and lots of them make naughty sex noises in combat - which is good for any game!

Monster Play: Is phenomenal. Such a great concept. If Turbine don't improve and enhance it with as much care as they've done the rest of the game, this will be a concept lost on many, but for now it's fantastic and filled with potential. The PVPers will love Monster Play - if they ever get to see it!

Lag: I've encountered some lag in Bree and other populated areas. I don't tend to experience lag in other games, so this was something of a disappointment. I get the feeling Turbine doesn't know how to properly code towns (they had lots of problems with AC2), hence the lag. I've heard this will be cleared up over time, so I can only hope so as right now Bree is a hard place to visit at busy times.

I also dislike the fact that all the buildings are instanced (update: it's actually called "zoning" - consider me corrected!). I know I've mentioned this before but it takes away from the atmosphere. I know Turbine have a problem with buildings in their engine (which was just another reason to code a new engine for this game), but it's purely cosmetic and I'm in favour of anything that makes the game run more smoothly (so long as it's not instanced worlds or zones).

Overall: LOTRO is a good if not, brilliant game. It's evocative and atmospheric and absolutely true to Tolkien's work. It's a decent distraction from other games and there's some true gems in there that really make this game stand out. Deeds are great fun, there's so much to do, not only do you level up, but you can collect deeds from various areas, which give you new titles. Collecting them all would be an achievement! Crafting is decent, and the questing is a joy to play.

I got lots of comments about my very first comment on day one that "People were comparing LOTRO to WOW", well that's only natural, and my experience so far is that I've tried to get my WOW playing friends to sample LOTRO and, they've all said: It's good, but the game play isn't as good as WOW. So this is a serious hurdle the developers have to overcome.

My friends like the game and the look of the world, but they universally felt that it doesn't  play as well as Warcraft. In this day and age, to be competitive a game needs to be AS GOOD as the benchmark (which is Warcraft). The engine needs to be supremely playable and fun, too. It needs to be sturdy and resilient and I'm just not sure if LOTRO is up to that challenge. As I've said it's perfectly serviceable, but I think it'll turn off a lot of people by being just that little bit fiddly.

It's like having a car with power steering. You can never go back to standard drive, if you do, driving becomes hard work. Well it feels the same here.

So there you go, my review! Now that my 7 day trial has expired, will I be returning to Middle Earth? Absolutely! It's a great game with great potential. I think I'll give it a month, and then come back with the June patch. Maybe then Turbine will have had the time to correct those niggles, and you never know, maybe the combat will be on a more realistic timer - giving you some real oomph in combat (where blows feel like they're connecting). There's so much to see and do, I feel it would be an injustice not to get to Rivendell and to see all those sights that I've only dreamed about for so many years...

If Turbine can release content with their usual style, Middle Earth
will be an appealing place to spend the evening come the cool Autumn
nights.

From here, Middle Earth can only go from strength to strength.

Score: The Lord of the Rings Online: Shadows of Angmar scores a meaty 8 out of 10. Good, but with room for improvement!

To all those staunch Warcraft players I say this: give this game a try. It's well worth the price of the box for a genuinely thrilling month of play in a truly atmospheric world.

This is the last of my postings on The Lord of the Rings: Shadows of Angmar for the moment, I hope you've enjoyed them! I hop to see you all in Middle Earth in the near future.

Disagree with any part of this review? Let me know. Post your comments below.

Wow, this is pretty nice.

A one-off golden Nintendo DS. Entirely droolworthy. And if you live in the US, it could be yours for only $610 (or thereabouts).

Zelda on Ebay

Oh no.

Really, just OH NO!

Words fail me!

Blizzard Knows No Limits

I tried to make a joke here, but I just couldn't. There were too many and they were all too cutting.

Forget everything I said yesterday about global warming being a myth created by the Government.

It's real!

 

 

 

So there you go. Clearly, global warming is real and we should all go hide under the bed!

There's all this talk of a Rocky Horror Picture Show sequel. No, a proper sequel, not the crapppier than crap Shock Treatment that did the rounds in 1981.

Well they should never make a sequel. Sequels are invariably rubbish. With the exception of a rare few, pretty much every sequel ever made has been dire. Godfather, Superman, Alien, and Star Wars, being a few of the notable exceptions.

And don't start me off on The Phantom Menace!

The original Rocky Horror was only a cult status because it was so raw and fresh and unique. No one could ever achieve that kind of success again.

A sequel could never hope to appease the desires of so many fans, and would only ruin the whole Rocky universe.

So, I hope this movie never gets made - no matter how much cash it would make the film studios.

But surely, I hear you cry, if you feel that strongly, why not just avoid the movie if it gets made?

Well, if I did that, then I'd never have anything to write about in my column, would I!

Rather than do another day’s write up of my time in Middle Earth, I
thought I’d try something different. So, for all those people saying
"there’s nothing to do in The Lord of the Rings Online", I say you’re wrong.

Here is my top 10 list of things to do in Middle Earth.

10. Jam: Play music and entertain the weary masses after a long days questing! There are a good number of instruments in Middle Earth, and more on the way. You will eventually be able to sing to your fellow comrades! Will Middle Earth soon be looking for the next Pop Idol?

9. Undying: Get to 20th level without dying and earn the coveted “Undying” Title.

8. Help a Stranger: Take time out to help people under your level. Help a newcomer to Middle Earth – you might just make a friend!

7. Go on a Raid: There are several raids in the game (many in Ettenmoors) and several to come! Do battle against the mightiest foes Middle Earth current has to offer.

6. Craft Something: Max out your skills – become a Master Crafter and proudly show off your title and wares.

5. Complete your Deeds Log: When you’ve finished questing, there’s still a lot more to accomplish. There are countless deeds to perform all across Middle Earth. Your Deed Log is brimming with things to do and see in order to gain those rare titles. Can you complete every Deed?

4. Questing: There are hundreds of quests in Middle Earth of a boggling variety from pie eating contests, to slaying beasties, to the epic quest line (for which you might need a few friends).

3. Follow the Ring / Exploring: There's so much to see. So many zones and wonders. You could visit Bilbo’s Stone Trolls, explore Rivendell, or see the sights of the great battle with Aragorn and the Nazgul on Weathertop… Or you could simply follow the quest that Frodo took all the way East from the doors of Bag End!

2. Monster Play: Create a monster, earn Destiny Points, and battle for the Enemy against the Free Peoples.

1. Role Play: After all, this IS a role playing game based on the grandaddy of fantasy role playing games.

Can you think of more things to do? Let me know.

Deeds earn you titles (which you can collect at your local
bard). Titles don’t do anything, they’re purely cosmetic. Here are just
some of the titles you could collect:

• Apprentice Metalsmith / Scholar / Weaponsmith
• Bane of the Barrows  / Orcs / Trolls / Titans
• Barrow-Downs / Beast / Bog Hunter
• Bear-Wrestler
• Bounders-Friend
• Champion of the Lone Lands
• Chitin-Smasher
• Cleaver of Goblins
• Conqueror of Ringdyr
• Crop Saviour
• Defender of Bree-Land / the Halls of Bree-Land / of Dale / of
  Edhelion /of Gondor / of Lindon / of Lorien /of Mirkwood / of Rivendell
  / of Rohan / of the Blue Mountains / of the Fallohides / of the Grey
  Mountain / of the Harfoot / of the Harfoot / of the Iron Hills / of the
  Lonely Mountain / of the Quick Post /of the Stoors /of the White
  Mountains
• Destiny of the Accursed
• Doom of the Angmarim
• Enemy of the Dead
• Expert Farmer
• Favoured of Mordirith
• Feather Foe
• Fly-Swatter
• Foe of Night
• Founder
• Fur Cutter
• Giant-Slayer
• Goblin-Hewer
• Hero of the North Downs
• Honourary Sherrif
• Leader
• Lord of Fangs
• Master Apprentice Scholar / Tailor / Weaponsmith
• Master Expert Farmer
• Pie Runner
• Pie-eating Champion
• Protector of the Shire
• Root-Hewer
• Servant of Angmar
• Servant to Barashish
• Shell-Breaker
• Shire Brewmaster
• Slug-Squasher
• Spider-Bane
• Spider-Foe
• Spider-Sting
• Tail-Cleaver
• The Indomitable
• The Naughty
• The Purifier
• The Undefeated
• The Wary
• Troll-Hewer
• Troll-Slayer
• Vanquisher of Trolls
• Warg-Hunter
• Warlord of Angmar
• Watcher of Roads
• Web-Slasher
• Weird of the Worms
• Wolf-Tamer
• Worm-Bane / Carver / Slayer

About Traits

Each character has the ability to equip traits earned while playing the game. These traits give the character a number of different bonuses or abilities. Any trait combination can be equipped as long as they have enough trait slots. Beginning at 7th level, the number of trait slots a character has is dependent on level.

There is a wide variety of traits, and they have multiple levels that can be earned as you progress through the game.

Traits can be easily switched and changed by visiting a bard found in most towns - although this costs money - which is in short supply.

Virtue traits are common amongst all races and classes, and can be earned by completing general goals such as killing a number of spiders, or completing enough quests in an area. These Traits generally improve your statistics, resistances, as well as enhancing your total morale or other statistics.

Class Traits are traits specific to a certain class. These are generally earned by using a class skill or power often enough, or meeting certain conditions with these skills often enough. (Such as achieving enough critical strikes with a certain skill.) These skills tend to improve the power of certain abilities, generally making them more effective.

Racial Traits are traits that are specific to each of the races. These traits confer special abilities or improvements to the user though there are several traits in this category per race, only a relatively limited number can be used at one time. However, since the traits vary based on how useful they are for the players class, this is not an issue.

Legendary Traits are rare and much harder to obtain, as a result, they confer stronger bonuses to the user than general traits do.