Or, for the secular out there: Happy HALLOWEEN.

Or, for the traditionalists out there: Happy HALLOWE'EN.

Or, for the religious of you: Happy ALL SAINT'S DAY (tomorrow). 

But, think you know Hallowe'en? Then try this MSN quiz:

Click here to try the quiz

Now, as you all know - I'm SUCH an expert on Hallowe'en, I got a score of 11.

Which, out of 10 questions, proves what a horror genius I am...

Or something.

Set in the town of Barrow in Alaska, where it’s dark for exactly 30 days a year*, it’s a pretty cold and remote place. In fact it's the perfect place for a bunch of vampires to suck the life from the population.

Based on the graphic novel of the same name – it’s an interesting translation to the big screen – but unlike 300, it’s not particularly deep or stylish. It’s about a gang of vampires who attack a remote town - and that’s pretty much it. There’s a vague sub-story between the two main characters (who were previously married) but other than that, there’s not much going on. It’s a combination of The Thing, The Fog, and John Carpenter’s Vampires. With lots of gore and blood thrown in for good measure.

Overall, I tried hard not to like this movie, it’s got an overly slow build up which felt a bit pointless (as half the people the director spent all of two minutes getting to know will be dead in a fraction of that time anyway), but I can’t. It’s got some heart-in-the-mouth moments, and some really grisly scenes. The decapitation scene has to be one of the most gruesome in a movie; it’s pretty horrid stuff.

There are quite a lot of continuity errors and plot holes in the movie - the biggest being when the gang hide out in a house that’s been boarded up for winter, but when the story requires it, windows are strangely open and doors simply open onto the street.

The vampires are great, the make up is fantastic and but they were so evil - I couldn’t help but want some holy hero to come along (say, * SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT* Kerisan from Darkness Rises) to come along and blast them all into oblivion. Sadly, that didn’t happen here.

Overall: 8/10. Flawed, but a worthwhile vampire movie. I guess the mark of a good movie is whether it plays on your mind after, and 30 Days of Night has definitely left its mark. The graphic imagery, the horrific vampire faces, and the vast amount of gore is swirling around in my mind, reminding me that 30 Days was no mundane vampire flick. Although, what’s sad is that I can’t say exactly why I liked it. It wasn’t a great story, nor was it special in any way. It was just a great vampire movie. Does there need to be a more fulfilling explanation?

A word of warning. This film really is VERY gory. I cannot believe it was given a PG 15 rating in the UK. What were the censors thinking? Yet they can ban Manhunt 2, but it’s decapitations galore in any old movie. Oh, sorry, that’s a rant for another day.

It’s about now that you’re expecting me to close with some vampire-esque statement. I tried hard – really hard – to avoid one, but OK. Seen as it’s Hallowe’en. Go see 30 Days of Darkness, it’s one vampire movie well worth sinking your teeth into this Hallowe’en season.

There. Don’t say I’m not good to you!

See the website here

*It’s not really like that in the real world but we can make believe, OK?

This is a movie which came under a lot of criticism, and I don’t really know why, one, because as a movie of a horror computer game, it’s hardly going to be the Schindler’s List of film-making is it? And two: because it’s actually not at all bad, and as a triquel (ugh, pretend I never used that word), it’s far better than many of the endless spin-offs we’ve seen over the years <coughs, Matrix>.

Extinction begins where the second movie (Apocalypse) left off. Actually, that’s a blatant lie - the beginning of the movie bears no resemblance to the end of #2. It’s three years later and the writers have clearly forgotten what went on before. I quite like the start, though, because the characters are a few years older which gives a bit of credibility to the whole thing rather that pretending time is forever standing still.

The T-Virus has spread out across the world, transforming humans and animals into zombies, and affecting the environment. The waters have all but dried up and the world is now a barren desert. In fact, it all feels a bit like Max Max in places, with desperate bands of humans doing whatever they can to survive. Morals are out the window - when 90% of the world has turned into flesh eating zombies (that may live for decades) - you’re pretty much going to do whatever you can to survive.

The suits at Umbrella are once again seeking Alice for their evil schemes and, in order to avoid capture, she has left her band of zombie hunters to wander America.

I’ll leave it there (not that there's really a great deal to spoil). It’s an action-packed, explosion-wielding, zombie-lite story. The effects are great, Alice just gets better as a character with every movie; she’s an ass-kicking superhero with psychic powers. While she doesn’t do as much scrapping as I’ve have liked and we still don’t know how she got her powers or why, she’s a strong female lead who gives us just enough to keep us wanting more.

Overall: 7.5/10 - there’s life in the old girl yet. It’s a better movie than the second, with some decent action and a reasonable story (although it’s fairly hard to come back from the fact that the writers have destroyed the world). The ending is great with some meaty potential for movie #4.

With all these new state-of-the-art computer games coming out (like Crysis and Portal), it's funny that the game I most love at the moment is anything but high-tech.

Puzzle Quest combines the gameplay of Bejewelled with fantasy role playing elements and is quite literally the most addictive game I've played in years.

You choose your class and journey around the world map performing quests, levelling up, and, of course, engaging in combat. You do this in the standard way, through the tried-and-tested Bejwelled board, with jewels of various colours that you've got to match up to destroy them. Three in a row earns you a portion of magic of that colour, four gives you an extra turn, and five or more have random effects. You and your opponent take it in turns to match up colours, and set up three skulls to take a portion of your enemy's hit points. The first one to lose all their hit points dies.

But it doesn't just stop there. Your character has a class and accompanying magical powers. My wizard can blast away a 3 x 3 area of the game board with his fireball spell, or can cause direct damage to my opponent with a blast of fire. 

There are lots of statistics to tinker with, magical items to collect, and all sorts of other rpg elements (including multiplayer - you can even capture opponent towns). 

It's oh-so-simple but yet utterly addictive.  The Summoner Chronicles might not be out on time this year because <ahem> well, I'm too busy with other projects...

But seriously. Check out Puzzle Quest - Download the demo at their website

Human beings. They never cease to amaze me by how brilliant and crazy and wonderful we are. We're capable of such horrendous crimes and such violent emotions, while equally, such breathtaking moments of passion.  

I'm writing this because I've received an email from the person who has been posting the abuse on my website, and, really, it's heartwarming, not because it's an apology, but because it's testament to how we're all capable of growing and learning to be better human beings.

We all screw up and do things we deeply regret. And some of us make amends and put things right.

Our pesky poster (Allister) said this:

Recently I've made quite a few appalling posts on Stuart's website, and I truly am disgusted in myself for it. I'm not exactly sure where all this vindictiveness that appears to have been borderline hatred was borne from. However, I really do regret it, and not just because I'm worried about the repercussions that I may face due to it. Rather, from those repercussions came my own self reflection on my own character. I as I've told Stuart am a writer myself, and now with the benefit of hindsight I realise that being a writer is hard enough as it is without other stresses. That is, stresses such as an annoying poster who litters your own beloved site with disgusting pornography and half-wit comments.  Not only that, but I've come to assess myself, I've begun to ask myself why I did it, where did all this malevolence come from and why? In a way, I've put it down to jealousy over the fact that Stuart has published work and a loyal fan base while mine has only just started to grow. However, I don't think it's completely jealousy and I still haven't worked out where the rest of all this anger has come from, hopefully in time I will gain some insight. So I'd like to apologise to not only Stuart but his readers for the problem I have become in the last few weeks. As insincere as it may seem I am truly sorry to you all for being such a down right bastard. I really do mean it and feel terrible for all this.

After considerable thought I also began to think about the segregation that I am imposing within the writers community. In all seriousness, within the creative industries there is enough segregation caused by societal structures, critics and falsely based opinion enough. Why should I be imposing anymore segregation? Why did I impose such segregation? There is no reason why I should be and there is no reason why I did. It is arguable that there is an innate need for competitiveness, however I have nothing to compete with Stuart on. I have simply been a horrible person.

I am truly sorry to Stuart and his readers, whether you wish to believe that or not.

Captain Immaturity/The Pest/Allister

One thing I've learned is that apologies are rare and that sincere apologies are even rarer. This email was really unexpected and is proof that people can see the error of their ways and do something about it.

We can change. We can be better people. Above all, we can set an example to others by being considerate and compassionate all the time. And accepting the moments when we're not.

Allister, thanks for this email. I truly do wish you well and hope you'll stop by and post from time to time (excluding the pornography, of course).

Anyone else want to comment? If ever there was a time, this is it!

Now I know why people download so many movies these days: it's SO expensive to go to the cinema.

Went to see Stardust yesterday (review coming), and it cost me £6.40 a ticket. That's £20 ($40) before I've even started on drinks and such. 

I'm sorry but I thought that was extortionately expensive. Especially so when you can buy the DVD for £11.99 - and even cheaper online.

No wonder movie studios' profits are up. Fewer people are going to the movies but the prices are more than making up for it.

I feel ripped off.

So, it’s week two already, and things are hotting up. Well, sort of. After having two acts in the bottom two last week, Sharon Osborne threatened to leave. God woman, stop threatening and get on with it. I don’t think I’ve seen a more two-faced woman, it’s all smiles and warm words but look behind those eyes…

Anyway, after her much-staged and publicised ‘tantrum’, she’s back for another round of judging, and this week it’s the Movie Show, where they remaining eleven are singing songs from the movies.

Hope started off the show with Lady Marmalade from Moulin Rouge. And yes they did as I had hoped and removed even more clothing, but instead of being sexy they ended up looking uncomfortable. It was all very staged and they were more high school than high class hookers. Overall, very average performance, yet an ample amount of cleavage, suspenders and corsets will keep these girls in to sing another day. I think Hope’s days are numbered, though. The end is nigh! The end is nigh!

Who'd have guessed it? Leon was very nervous. Mr Self Confidence 2008 really did look a bit broken while he sang Home from The Wedding Singer. It was actually a very strong performance – yet he’s clearly become this year’s Whipping Boy. I don’t know why Louis continues to pick on him – even promoting his own version of the single (via Westlife, which apparently comes out on Monday!) Louis Walsh is a little weasel; everything Simon does he does the follow year. When he grows up I think he wants to be Simon Cowell.

Or he wants to ‘do’ Simon Cowell. Either way he needs something…

Beverley was next, with a good performance of I Have Nothing from The Bodyguard. Not a lot else to say here. I think there are a few singers you should never try to emulate and this was a carbon copy. Don’t even try if you can’t better. A tough job, but she did OK.

Alisha came next with Say A Little Prayer from My Best Friend’s Wedding. Ugh! I hate weddings and I really did NOT like this. If you didn’t hate weddings before, you will now. It was not good enough for the final shows. I just don’t like her voice. It’s scratchy and she just isn’t as strong as she thinks she is. Sharon chose really badly this year - chances of her winning. Unless Emily whips out her baps in the live final – 0%.

Same Difference followed Alisha’s travesty. Singing Breaking Free from High School Musical, they looked like they were having a great time. Strong performance, fun, and sincere. Louis doesn’t ‘get them’, which just sounds like sour grapes after Simon slammed Eton Road last year. What’s not to get? The brother and sister duo might be from Planet Stepford - but - High School Musical is one of the biggest shows at the moment. Louis is completely out of touch – they’ll be back next week.

Daniel came next singing Build Me Up Buttercup from There’s Something About Mary, this was a disaster waiting to happen. To think he was the bookies’ favourite two weeks ago. He thankfully got rid of the puppy dog eyes - exchanging them for a Yorkshire Terrier as he bounced around the stage trying to look all "rock" and "cool" and instead managing to look a bit stupid with all his whoops and weak vocals. The worst song choice ever. In the end, the favourite-to-win was completely forgettable. Who am I talking about again,

See? Forgotten him already!

And then it was Rhydian’s turn. Singing The Phantom of the Opera (from the musical of the same name), this was genius. He really was brilliant. It was sincere, powerfully performed, and even more powerfully sung. This guy is fantastic. I’m not even going to bother with the whole ‘but he’s so annoying and pretentious and up himself’ because if you pay two seconds to look into his eyes during the judging, you can easily see the insecurity inside and that he’s nothing like the show has painted him to be. While he is definitely utterly mad, that was a genius performance – in fact – one of the best on X Factor ever. Look to see Rhydian starring in the West End sometime in 2008.

Emily had transformed from Jeanette Krankie into the Ribena Berry this week. Draped in purple, I was sad to see some evidence of her fan-dabi-doze past still present in the buttons which infested her lapel. What is the dress stylist thinking? Are the buttons to say: I’m still a child, vote for me? Well we don’t need to, she sang Not Yet A Woman by the completely untroubled Britney Spears. Like Daniel, the violet vocalist was one of the favourites to win, but tonight she was very average. Emily, you’re gonna have to pull your socks up and get rid of those badges if you want to get past week five!

Futureproof sang If You Don’t Know Me By Now from My Girl. It was a decent performance with nice vocals. But, I couldn’t help thinking how forgettable they were. They might work well together, but they don’t look great together. As a five piece they seem a bit odd, with the short orange one stuck on the end like an oompa loompa following Willy Wonka through the Chocolate Factory. Bless him for trying, though. We'll all have forgotten about Futureproof in four months.

Andy came next with Stayin’ Alive from Saturday Night Fever. He’s got the personality of cardboard and was like a puppet on stage, but it was a good, if strange, performance. It did work, though. I didn’t expect to like it as it was sung in his normal voice and not the typically falsetto of the Bee Gees. Enjoyable, a bit boring and very safe, but more than enough to keep him in a few more weeks.

Coming last tonight was Nikki with My Heart Will Go On from Titanic. Another fantastic performance. She really is headed for the final. And best of all – no more comments about her dad. Nikki was one of the strongest of the night – she even did the song justice. Looking forward to seeing more of her.

So in closing, a much better show than Show One. They were all a lot less nervous - except for Leon (but that’s a given!) Some terrible song choices and some reasonably genius ones, but it’s going to be so easy to chose a loser each week if the judges continue to pick such appalling songs for their contestants.

Two things: firstly, you do know the mentors don’t actually mentor their guys, right? It’s all staged (let's be honest, every aspect of the show is staged). If they speak to their contestants once during the week I’d be surprised. It looks like Dannii might, but the rest have got a team of choreographers, stylists, and vocal coaches to help out so the judges don’t need to lift a finger.

Secondly. Danni kept saying: look at the audience, this is what people think of you. Never trust the audience! What do they know about anything? They'd cheer the drop of a hat.

In fact, they’d cheer as if their lives depended on it if Michelle McManus came on stage and farted for 90 seconds (it could happen one day).

Highlights: Rhydian, Nikki. No one else.

Destined for the Chop: Alisha, Emily, Daniel.

Do you think there are lots of really embarassed parents out there with four and five year old daughters called Britney?

Something to think about when you're on the toilet.

Speaking earlier about Tabula Rasa - I just had an email from Richard Garriott (Lord British himself), telling me I've just got time to get into the Tabula Rasa beta.

I'm sorry, I hadn't heard that the five hundred other times I've been emailed that message in the last eight weeks.

For a below-par game which is below average in every respect, this is yet another in an ever-increasing number of desperate emails from Play NC to garner interest for these games.

I just want this game to be released now so I won't get any more of these emails.

Although... I'm sure after when they've got a handful of players, the message will change to "come visit us in Tabula Rasa, and get a free funny hand shake"...

Or something.

I wasn't going to complain about it but really, it's a rubbish game. There are problems with just about every aspect of the game, from the engine to the server side of things. I'm even less inclined to play a game when I'm getting emails bugging me about it every half an hour. 

I'm actually expecting a Play NC representative to turn up on the doorstep any day now. 

Hellgate London, which a fantastic game, has some unforgivable bugs, and after the atrocity that was Asheron's Call 2, haven't developers realised YET that if they release an unfinished game with no polish, that no one will play it. 

Even though I'm getting endlessly spammed about Tabula Rasa, Hellgate London is the only game I care about - let's hope the developers come through for the grand launch next week.

For those of you who have been asking, you all know we've had a little pest posting highly offensive materials on my column over the past few weeks. I'm sure every site gets it, but it's all a bit pointless and vindictive.

Anyway, I have news! The internet isn't nearly as anonymous as you might think it is. People that post thinking they're never going to get caught are sorely mistaken. You're never very far away from being noticed by someone and every mouse click is monitored by one Internet Service Provider or another.

It's all gone rather quiet on the porn posting front - which I'm rather glad about. But a word of warning: posting pornography is illegal pretty much everywhere in the world, whether you live in the UK, Africa, or, in this case, Australia.

In fact, the ISP in question gave me all the contact details to take this matter further.

So it's nice to know that we are protected, and that there are consequences to our actions. 

I think in this instance it's definitely a case of 'we reap what we sew'.

Anyone would think Richard Garriott really wanted his new sci-fi shooter Tabula Rasa to do well - because I've been bombarded by emails, at least five a day, for the last week from various companies trying to promote it.

• Fileplanet keep telling me how fantastic the end of beta event will be (plus a free emote available onto to beta subscribers - woohoo).
• I've had emails telling me that it's still not too late to get into the beta.
• I've had emails telling me about the exciting release of Tabula Rasa and how exciting it's all going to be.

You'd think PlayNC was a master of spin, because all these emails for a game I can't even access (I've downloaded it twice and I still get error messages telling me the servers are offline) - it's a bit of a bust, really.

But, hey, I guess no one will mind me saying that there's still time to get into the Tabula Rasa beta.

If you hurry, you can get in now and have access to that fabulous beta emote (which you can cherish forever and ever).

You can find out more at the PlayNC website. 

Woah, this looks like it's shaping up to be a grrrreat movie!

I Am Legend, Will Smith + Zombies = Kickass horror action movie.

The film is released on the 14th of December in the US, and, unsurprisingly, a couple of weeks later in the UK on the 4th of January 2008.

See the newly released trailer by clicking here.

Think you know your Warhammer from your Dragonlance (see what I did there...?) then try this quiz. You need to be very specific with your answers as points will be subtracted for those pesky missing apostrophes or bad spelling. The winner will receive a bunch 'o brand spanking new Warhammer novels (there might be other prizes, depending of number of entries and how generous I'm feeling).

Now on with the questions. 

1. What was the name of the hammer given to Sigmar, and what does it mean?
2. What’s the name of the famous crossing in the Black Mountains that was the site of many great battles?
3. What color of magic is “Shyish” and what does it represent?
4. Which wizard brought magic to the Empire and what race was he?
5. What is the fell language of Chaos Magic?
6. Who was the first Chaos Wyrm?
7. What event is said to herald the return of Sigmar?
8. What is Elf metal called?
9. What colour blood do orcs have?
10. Who, or what, is the “grandfather”?
11. What is the Skaven city called?
12. What are the warrior prophets of the Skaven called?
13. What is the name of the daemonic mount granted by the Lord of Change?
14. Which is the mightiest of the dark elf towers in Naggaroth?
15. Name the four Chaos gods and what do they represent.
16. Who is the self-styled “lord of the undead”?
17. What is Chaos made manifest in physical form called?
18. Who originally wrote: “In that dread desert, beneath the moons’ pale gaze, the dead men walk. They haunt the dunes in that breathless, windless night. They brandish their weapons in mocking challenge to all life, and, sometimes, in ghastly dry voices, like the rustling of sere leaves, they whisper the one word they remember from life, the name of their ancient, dark master. They whisper the name Nagash.”
19. What is the name of the mystical sword carried by Manfred von Carstein into battle?
20. What is Aluminas?

How to Enter: Send your answers via the nearest squig to: arikostinaal-at-hotmail.com.

Da Rules: Competition closes at the end of October 2007. No purchase necessary, only one entry per day. Cash value of competition 0.0001p -  not redeemable for cash. May not be redeemed for beer or loose women. Or orcs. I reserve the right not to look stupid in the unlikely event that I get any answer completely and utterly incorrect.

I've got a bunch of brand-spanking new Hellgate London Beta Keys to give away.

If you fancy playing this game for the next week (it's released the week after), drop me a line by emailing: arikostinaal at hotmail.com.

First come, first served. 

Why can't we have the actor who's best placed to fill the roll instead of a handful of celebrities playing all the meaty roles.

Universal Pictures has said NO to Robert Rodriguez's remake of sci-fi classic Barbarella suggesting it was either over a ballooning budget or the casting of Rodriguez's girlfriend Rose McGowan in the title role.

Now, there are some actors who are everywhere, in every role, whether it suits them or not. Coughs: Keanu Reeves.

Sorry about that. Bad cough today! Coughs: Halle Berry.

I’m not sure Rose McGowan is strong enough to carry a role like Barbarella so maybe in this case Universal is right. I’m not even sure she’s a particularly strong lead, but I wish the world would stop this obsession with having major stars in movies. Cast an unknown. If the movie is good people will go see it.

So many movies these days give little thought to anything beyond special effects. Once the budget has gone on Keanu Reeves and his superlative acting talent, there’s not much left for hiring a proper storyteller.

Look at Blair Witch, it made a sack of cash with a load of total unknowns in it – thus proving that if a movie is good – people will go to see it.

There did used to be good movies though, didn’t there? It’s been so long, I can barely remember…

You can now see the cover of this month's Shivers Magazine by visiting their website at:

http://www.visimag.com/shivers/h135_display.htm

The latest issue #135 has some bird from Hostel 2 on it! Click on the cover to enlarge it (a bit).

Anyway, you can see my latest articles in this deliciously Hallowe'enified issue, and, as I said before, probably some other fairly interesting stuff, too (non of which was written by moi).

As an aside, I've been trying to get a copy of Shivers in my home town of Sheffield all day, and no one seems to stock it. So if you've been trying to buy the mag (without success), just let me know. Apparently WH Smiths does an online magazine ordering service. Perhaps we need to email them.

If you are interested in asking for WH Smiths to stock Shivers, send them an email by going here: Shivers at Smiths.

It'll take you sixty seconds and just think of the positive karma you'll be racking up for that good deed.

One thing to remember about the X Factor is that it's all so very staged. It's 100% theatre.

So two of Sharon Osborn's 'girls' were in the bottom two last week, so now she's threatening to quit the show.

Just stop talking and get off you two-faced misery. She must be the most duplicitous woman on television - and she has the world fooled (well, almost the whole world). At least Simon Cowell has the audacity to say what he really thinks... So long as it's part of the script.

The X Factor. It's all incredibly staged. There's probably a script for every episode. Like Louis being sacked and then brought back, like the contestants being chosen for their specific qualities (like Nikki's endless crying, Daniel really loves his son, and 'it's just Leon and his mother')

I'd not be surprised if the whole thing - including the results weren't fixed to generate the most publicity. "But you got rid of the best act. Why, I'll... I'll".

You'll keep watching just like the rest of us. That's what you'll do...

After all, it's not about making celebrities. It's not even about making music.

It's about the production company Freemantle making stacks of cash with the show itself.

It's rare when you load up a game for the first time to find that it's exactly what you're looking for. It's like putting on a really comfy pair of shoes that fit you perfectly (and look cool, too!).

Hellgate London is set in the streets of ruined London, after an apocalpytic battle that's left zombies, monsters, and demons roaming everywhere.

Hellgate London is a fantastic game, fast-paced with lots of action in its horror-sci fi setting.

I've not played a great deal (to avoid spoiling the game for its release on Hallowe'en) and this is a mini review (saving the full one for magazines) but the engine is robust, the skill system gives you lots of options, and the whole game really is an awful lot of fun to play.

If you've ever played Diablo, then you'll have an inkling that this game is similar in many ways. In fact, the random quest areas, the inventory system, and the skill system are identical. But that's not a bad thing.

Unlike the recent raft of bug-riddled games currently on sale, Hellgate London is surprisingly bug free. While there are a few glitches, the game runs very nicely (although there's rumoured to be a memory leak - which the developers are fixing). As this is another of those "Massively Multiplayer Online Games", you can hook up with your friends and quest together, but to get the really special features, you need to subscribe, which currently works out at $9.99 a month, or if you're unfortunate enough to live in Europe, 9.99 euros. Not sure how much longevity the game has to warrant a subscription. Let's hope the developers can keep on churning out monthly content to keep monster hungry gamers paying.

Overall: 9/10. An exciting game with a promising future. If you like your zombies dead, your demons ravenous, and the action thick, then Hellgate London is definitely the game for you.

Find out more at http://www.hellgatelondon.com/ 

Funny how writing styles change. I just re-read the opening page of Darkness Rises: Blood Dawn and, had I written it today, I would have edited it to death. The flow just doesn't seem quite right. Which is funny 'cos I was thrilled with it when I wrote it, all those years ago.

I guess that's why writers rarely read anything they've written once they've completed the final editing process.

I'll revisit it for a major edit at some point...

Harry Potter author JK Rowling has revealed that one of her characters, Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore, is gay.

She made her revelation to a packed house in New York's Carnegie Hall on Friday, as part of her US book tour.

"Dumbledore is gay," she said, adding he was smitten with rival Gellert Grindelwald, who he beat in a battle between good and bad wizards long ago.

The audience gasped, and then applauded. "I would have told you earlier if I knew it would make you so happy," Rowling said. "Oh, my god," she concluded with a laugh, "the fan fiction".

Oh god, this is MORE ammunition from the religious intolerance groups that already want Rowling’s blood for "corrupting" children and for making witchcraft and dark magic look cool.

What next, Hermione to become crack-addict stripper in Bolton?

Or Ron has a sex change - Sexpecto Patronum.

Ho ho ho. So many jokes... I could go on all all night...

But don't worry, I won't. 

It’s show one of the X Factor 2007 and a fresh new year for dreams to be shattered, egos pulverised, and friendships destroyed.

It is me or were they all dead nervous tonight? Far more so than any other year…

Anyway, on to the show.

First up was Kimberley who sang “It’s Raining Men”. Ugh. It was really horrible. I was actually embarrassed for her to be opening the show with such a weak performance. It was all over the place, and really, Simon got it right with his "big-budget Karaoke" comment. I don’t even know how she got through to the final twelve…

Andy ‘The Singing Puppy’ was next with a very watered-down version of “I Don’t Wanna Talk About It”. It was all dog-eyes at the camera which was actually a bit annoying. Anyway, I don’t wanna talk about Andy any more this week (see what I did there?). Maybe he'll be a human being next week instead of half man, half Spaniel hybrid.

Futureproof came next with Robbie’s “She’s The One”. We had the laying it on heavy with the confidence issue in the VT, which was a bit sickly and more of X Factor’s by-the-numbers TV. The song had really nice harmonies, but was ever so slightly saccharine. Must do better next week, boys.

Beverley came next and it’s clear that any black woman on the show who isn’t stick thin is immediately plastered with the ‘diva’ label. Singing “I Will Survive” Beverley really woke the show up from a very lacklustre start. I’ve always said that the over 25s have so much more character than the young ones, and this proved it. Beverley did a great job and is a strong contender for this week’s top spot.

Following that was media favourite Emily. I have to say: What the HELL was she wearing? She looked like a Crankies reject with blazer/jacket and all the badges! Singing “I Knew You Were Waiting”, I think she faked the whole thing. She looked uncomfortable, going through the motions, and the song was distinctly average. She’s got such a great voice, I know we’ll see better next week – if she survives, that is.

Poor Leon came next. He always looks like he’s going to burst into tears or quit the show. He sang a very unusual version of “Can’t Buy Me Love”, but SCREW the judges, I thought it was really interesting, innovative, and fairly strong. It’s nice to see people try something new, risky, but fun. I hope Leon’s back next week, if only to see how he handles the crippling rejection he got from the judges. Goodbye confidence, it was nice knowing you (for the two seconds he had any).

Next came Same Difference. When the VT was running I was thinking: I had a scary moment when I thought “I bet they sing Tragedy”. And, as if by magic – they did! It was actually a pretty good performance, they were so nervous (no excuse), but the vocals were OK. Still they are very quirky and I’m not sure whether I really like them. I expect we’ll see them performing when the show ends.

At the end of a pier.

In the land of failed Tellytubbies…

Nikki  was eighth, singing “Nothing Compares to You”. This was brilliant. Highly emotive – it was a great performance. But she really needs to put the ‘dad thing’ to rest. It’s already boring. Still, fantastic, we can expect big things from Nikki in future weeks.

Alisha sang “Dreams”. Again, don’t agree with the judges bitching. Was a great song and she did it proud. She looked fantastic and sang really well. Not a lot else to say about Alisha. Guess we’ll find out more next week.

Rhydian. The most important thing to know about Rhydian is that he’s utterly barking. And that’s a fact. Once you’ve got that out of the way everything else is easy to take. The audience is divided on Rhydian like last year’s Chico and it was panto from the first moment he walked on like the Terminator with his Billy Idol hair and wild staring eyes. It’s all so practised and fabricated… In fact, it reminds me of WWF Wrestling – every second is staged and premeditated. Anyway, he sang “Anything For Love” which was fantastic - a really great performance. I actually think he was humbled and shocked by the judges’ comments, so maybe there’s hope for him yet.

Daniel was the penultimate singer with a very weak rendition of … actually I can’t even remember the song as I momentarily fell into a boredom-induced coma. A very weak song with lots of angsty emotive looks into the camera. He’ll definitely stay ‘till next week, but he’ll have to do a lot better than rely on what little stage presence he has to progress in the show.

Hope - AKA the group we all wanted to see transformed into sex minxes – came last. Oops. Let’s get this out of the way right at the start. They’re NOT Girls Aloud. Not by a long shot. In fact, they’ve not even got any ammunition in that pistol of theirs. In fact, it’s a water pistol… Anyway. Hope sang “Umbrella” and they did a great job. Polished, professional, for a group that’s just formed, they looked very slick. One criticism, next week girls, wear fewer clothes, we want to see more sex… You’ve gotta compete with Pussycat Dolls and Girls Aloud. So half what you’re wearing and you should get a few extra votes…

And that was the final twelve. Decidedly average, really.

It was probably the weakest opening show I’ve seen. The songs were lacklustre, poorly chosen, and the whole show was a bit crap.

Let’s put it down to nerves.

My Top Picks of the Night

• Leon
• Nikki
• Rhydian

In the Danger Zone for the Sing Off:

• Kimberley
• Same Difference
• Daniel

My first issue of Shivers is now on sale. It contains:

• A whopping five page interview with controversial movie director Uwe Boll. 
• The history of Horror Gaming.
• Top 10 Hallowe'en Themed Computer Games. 

Oh, and some other stuff by a bunch of other people... (but as it's not written by me, no one cares - tee hee).

Now, Shivers, for some reason, isn't available in W.H. Smiths. I don't know why (I'm guessing it's a long and convoluted story), but we need to get it in those stores.

So I want a favour: If you want this magazine, will you ask in W.H. Smiths for it whenever you're in town.

So, another year and the X Factor inevitably comes around again. It's one of those shows people watch religiously, but getting them to admit it is another matter entirely. But, while it IS compulsive viewing, I'm finding it a bit tired this year.

Why? Because we've seen it all before.

How many times can one person say "I want it soooo much" before we stop believing them. Every time I hear it (which is a lot), I just want to blurt out: Sorry, but they ALL want it so much (now bugger off and come back when you've had your teeth done). 

If they wanted it that much they should have:

1. Got singing lessons.
2. Not crammed that last KFC chicken leg in their wobbling gullet.
3. Actually found if they can sing (from someone who isn't a boozed-up girl at the local Karaoke night).
   
4. Try to look like a popstar (instead of coming to the audition in little more than eye liner and a bin liner).

So this year I'm somewhat less enthusiastic than I have been in the past. Sure, it'll be great entertainment, Simon Cowell will slag everyone off; he'll be cruel, he'll be cutting, there'll be tears ('cos they all want it soooo much), but it really is past its prime.

It's all so formulaic. We get the same old contestants. year in, year out. They are:

• The one who's singing their dream for the dearly departed (translated: dead). Thanks dad. Everything I am is because of you...
• The one who's struggled through a terrible ordeal and survived (but you never really find out what terrible thing happened to them).
• The sixteen year old for whom X Factor is their last chance for happiness (go back and watch previous shows if you don't believe me).
• The old one for whom X Factor is their final chance at stardom (quite why they didn't go out and actually try to get a record deal is beyond me).
• The one for whom life's been a total bitch and this is their chance at obtaining self esteem! Sorry. Did I hear that right? You think your life will be validated if you go on X Factor?! *snort*
• The total misfit who could never be a popstar 'cos they're too fat/ugly/stupid/annoying (delete as applicable). They reaaaaaaally want to be a pop star (but just a bit less than that last cherry cake with the scrummy buttercream icing). 

That all said (jokingly), this year should be interesting. By FAR the most interesting of the contestants are the boy group and the girl groups formed at Boot Camp. They're more believable than half the groups this year.

Of course, the whole show is utterly staged, but it's still a laugh innit?

Something to tide us over during the long Autumn evenings...

It's a great time for movies if you live in the UK. Opening this weekend we have:

Stardust - Fanasy love story starring Robert De Niro, Michell Pfeiffer, and Claire Danes. Based on the graphic novel by Neil Gaiman and Charles Vess, - a young man named Tristan (Charlie Cox) tries to win the heart of Victoria (Sienna Miller), the beautiful but cold object of his desire, by going on a quest to retrieve a fallen star.

The Dark is Rising - With Christopher Eccleston and Ian McShane - fantasy coming of age movie based on the novels by Susan Cooper.

The Invasion - Vague remake of The Invasion of the Body Snatchers with Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig.

Of course we've already got Rob Zombie's Halloween - remake of the classic 80's slasher of the same name, and Resident Evil Extinction - with Milla Jovovich as the ass-kicking Alice that ends the trilogy of zombie action horror.

The following things have come to my attention that are exceptionally annoying:

• Taxi companies that accept no responsibility for a journey if you don't allow an hour before your train - even though you only live 2 miles away and could walk it in half that time.
• People who have no concept of 'Quiet Coach' on the train and continue to let their Ipod, or phone bleep happily away for hours.
• Thin people who can eat anything and not put on any weight (OK, so they're not annoying, really*)
• People who think it's funny to anonymously post hardcore porn images on my website - when there could be children reading.

... can you tell I've been on a long train journey today?

*Well, maybe a little.

Someone just sent me this link. First thing in the morning. It's just wrong. On so many levels.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/eggsong

I don't know if I can cope with watching it again.

Clearly, someone loves their eggs.

Apparently it's some kind of promo for a new kids' show, not surprisingly, about eggs!

I'm not sure I want to find out! 

Now, I'm sure it's not just me, but I don't think the Postal Services should be allowed to go on strike.

I've currently had one measly letter in the last week, and I hear that they're striking for ALL of this week, as well.

This pretty much sucks as I won't get all the post I was excited about and WORSE - Shivers Magazine goes on sale this week and my copy won't be falling on my doorstep.

I don't understand striking. If I was unhappy with my salary, I'd just quit and find another job. Striking is like spitting out the dummy or throwing the teddy from the pram. "If I can't get my own way I'll scream and scream..."

Maybe it's just me. Or maybe I'm missing something. Maybe these workers aren't getting a fair pay rise, but it still doesn't mean they should go on strike... Or does it? If you are on strike I'd love to hear from you.

Anyway. If you're in the UK there's no post this week.

1. You've outgrown your fat trousers. The previously worn "thin trousers" have been left whimpering in a corner for the past year. That relationship is clearly over!

2. Elasticated tracksuit bottoms seem a viable option to belts and buttons.

3. You see an African woman in a poncho and think "mmm that looks slimming".

4. You wish you were surrounded by those distorting mirrors at Fun Faires that make you look very tall and thin. 

5. The Kicker. People you haven't seen for a while say: Oh, it's you. I didn't recognise you for a moment.

Hmph. I'm going to eat celery!

This is an amusing game - sent to me by a couple of sources. It's a Java game based around the recently released Portal. Which, if you've finished it (unlike me), you'll be craving more (I'd be happy to finish it once without being ill).

This might not satisfy entirely, but it's a fun game nonetheless.

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/404612 

Just finished reading Belle de Jour - the Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl. Such a great book. Belle has a wonderful writing style (although you never really know if that's the editor or not), and the book really is a fantastic insight into the world of a London high-class call girl.

It almost glamorises prostitution, although I'm pretty sure not all prostitutes have her lifestyle. Belle has such a unique outlook on sex, sexuality, and life, this book is a gripping read. While the sex is vaguely shocking, it's her interpersonal relationships that are the most interesting.

Now, where's the sequel?

Why do spammers sign up to my forums?

Despite having nothing to discuss (until my new book comes out), it's a fairly lonely place there, yet I still get, ooh, a minimum of ten per day, which is annoying because when I'm away from home, denying them is a few mouseclicks each. Which is a few mouseclicks more than I would prefer.

What's worse, why do they think I'll accept their accounts with names like CheapPorn or Xbslisjsjxxx.

Boggles the mind, really. 

Incidentally, if you are called Cheap Porn or Xbslisjsjxxx, please SIGN UP to my website and let me know.



I'm sure there'd be a prize if you can provide a birth certificate or driving license!

So, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in environmental issues and making the world realise there's actually something called 'Global Warming'

Oh and for the spectacularly honest movie - "An Inconvenient Truth". 

... 

Do I need to say anything else?

What a great game Portal is - the sort of expansion / puzzle game for Half Life 2.

Really makes you think, a short, but exceedingly fun game indeed.

Find out more about Portal by clicking here.

Good news! Finally, The Summoner Chronicles: The Secret Door is just around the corner.

This book will be priced at £8.99 (plus postage and packing) and all proceeds will go to the Macmillan Cancer Charity:

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/

If you are interested in purchasing this book, please email summoner @ bottledimpgames.com with the number of copies you would like. Through your pre-orders, I can tell how many copies to print.

Please note that I'm self-publishing this book. This is something I wrote for myself, but I hope to be able to make some money to contribute to charity (and maybe tell a good story at the same time).

So please, let me know if you want a copy for Christmas. The book will go on sale early December and I'm not making any plans to sell to distributors (as they take too much of the cover cost for themselves).

Anyway, shameless charity plug over. Let normal TV / Movie / Games reviews / rants commence.

The sign of a good show is when you don't want each episode to end, where you're yearning for the next one and every week seems like an eternity*. I can only think of a handful of shows like that in recent memory.

I think Heroes season 2 is, if anything, even better than the first. Now the characters are established, there's no need for complex introductions or boring scene-setting. The action started from the very first moments and things seem stronger than ever. 

It's been a long time since I've watched a show as much fun and as clever as Heroes.

If you're not watching it, there are regular catch-ups on Cable.

It's funny how a sci-fi show which actually has very few powers (or sci-fi elements) in it has captured the hearts of the nation so quickly. But with characters like Hiro and Mr Bennet, its easy to see why. 

*Sorry about that - I was just being melodramatic.

Of course it won't stop people illegally downloading music until this becomes a reality (and happens to them or to someone they know), but an American woman has become the first person to be convicted of illegally downloading music and has been fined 220,000 dollars.

The jury ordered Jammie Thomas to pay the six record companies that sued her 9,250 dollars for each of 24 songs they focused on in the case. She was accused of sharing 1,702 songs using the Kazaa software, infringing their copyright.

Record companies have filed 26,000 lawsuits since 2003 over file-sharing, which has damaged sales because it allows people to get music for free instead of paying for recordings in stores.

Many other defendants have settled by paying the companies a few thousand dollars.

It's become common now to just download a song from a downloader without any thought to the record company who loses out from lack of sales. The most common excuse is "well I'd never buy it anyway" as if that's some kind of catch-all justification to ease the conscience. 

The second most common excuse is "well they've already got millions"

Irregardless of financial status, piracy is theft.

With potentially costly repercussions - will people start to think twice before hitting the download button?

I know it's wrong to prejudge something, but the Wizard of Oz reimagining made by the Sci-Fi Channel is just bizarre.

It's (oddly) called Tin Man and is supposed to be a stylish, sexy, and action-packed mini series.

It just looks like a by-the-numbers fantasy show to me.

Anyway, watch the short trailer for yourself.

Watch Tin Man on YouTube

All I know is that if I hear anyone else referring to OZ as "the O.Z." I will go postal! Twice in that trailer was more than enough for one lifetime. In fact, the first time was annoying enough.

With fantastic fantasy like Discworld coming out (from the same people that made the wonderful Hogfather), even if this is rubbish we'll still be spoiled for great fantasy this winter.

As I said, it's wrong to prejudge something solely on the trailer. But Flash Gordon was really crappy and that was a formula REALLY HARD to ruin.

I really hope I'm wrong here.

Alan Connor's first single: Now the Rain Has Gone, is now available for download on Itunes. You could help to make his dream a reality by spending 99 cents and getting his catchy dance tune into the charts.

Ninety Nine Cents! That's about fifty pence (in real money - tee hee).

Go on. Buy the single. 

Click here to Visit Itunes

You can also see the interview Alan did on Youtube (and some of his previous singles).

Click here for the first part.

Click here for the second part. 

I've been saying that these stupid dial-in-and-vote competitions that have plagued our TV for YEARS are a total con.

And finally we know they are!

They're everywhere, on every show! You can vote for the best singer or dancer, or for your favourite listed building to be rennovated. You can even vote for which obese person you felt lost the most weight (and should stay in the show to lose even more weight next week).

Whatever next: Vote for your favourite colour of kiddy sick?*

Once one company was found guilty of manipulating the voting - lots of other companies started coming out of the woodwork. They're all at it. Ripping the genuine voters out of 25p (plus the price of a local call) per call. But on the plus side, a minimum of 12p of that will go to charity... (whoppee!)

Here's just some of the company crimes: 

• Contestants were being chosen - but the voting was allowed to continue.
• Names were changed to what the producers felt were more 'appropriate' in a choose the name contest.
• TV company staff posed as contestants when a suitable contestant couldn't be found.
• Apparently, in the X-Factor Gareth Gates / Will Young vote, people couldn't vote properly for Gareth Gates. Draw your own conclusions.

These contests should be a local call only - or ALL the money should go to charity. TV companies make more than enough cash without having to supplement their income with ripoff telephone voting.

I suppose the best way to deal with them is to ignore them entirely. The public rarely gets it right on shows like X Factor anyway. The votes are influenced by who cried the most, who has the biggest sob story, or by any way the producers choose to manipulate the voting.

But what annoys me the most is the fact that the BBC was fined $50,000 for faking the results of a competition. But its the public who pay the TV Licence and it's the public who lose out.

* Actually, maybe there's a show there: Kiddy Spew with Carole Vordeman! What do you think?

I've been trying to finish Bioshock on the PC for a few weeks now, and to be honest, the going has been tough. After following its development patiently for the last three years, when it arrived it was something of a disappointment. Don't get me wrong, Bioshock is a beautiful and wonderful game - a testament to the skills of the next generation developers. It's atmospheric and scary and utterly immersive, but it's just not enough of all of those things to properly hold my interest. Yes, I finished it, but I thought my time in Rapture (the undersea city where the game takes place) was all a bit of a let down.

It all stems back to System Shock 2, the precursor to Bioshock. Made by (pretty much) the same people who made Bioshock, I had high hopes. System Shock 2 was a game that set you trapped on a spaceship when everyone else was dead. It was terrifying, action-packed, and full of gritty (and original) story.

After the wonders of System Shock 2, Bioshock wasn't really enough to capture my attention. It felt hollow somehow, as though the developers had tried to recapture what was great about SS2 and in doing so, had made an entirely watered down game. 

Perhaps it's my overly high expectations of next gen gaming which is colouring this review. But it set its sights on being so very large, so open-ended and so dynamic. But it felt like none of the above. It's also horribly linear, and there's practically no diversity in enemies or encounters. The storyline is right out of System Shock 2 and I found the whole ending - the big twist - hugely disappointing.

That said, Bioshock is a brilliant game. It's well-written and - I can't say it enough - utterly engrossing. If you've not played System Shock 2 then you'll find this game hugely exciting.

Does it deserve Game of the Year? Absolutely not. That accolade should have gone to System Shock 2 all those years ago (although the game came and went with barely a whisper).

If you're looking for something really terrifying, play F.E.A.R. Or better still, go back and play System Shock 2. With the recently released high resolution patch it looks great, not as stunningly, eye-dropping-out gorgeous as Bioshock, but still one of the best games I've ever played.

Overall: 8. Slightly disappointing. Gorgeous, brilliant, alluring, but nothing I've not seen (or played) before.

Heroes: I don't need to say a great deal, do I? Heroes has taken the world by storm and shows no signs of losing super speed. The new season has just started in America and is set to thrill audiences the world over with more superpowered shenanigans. Let's just hope it's not another Lost where it loses steam and collapses in a heap of its own watered-down characters and endlessly drawn out storylines.

House: Now in its fourth season, British actor Hugh Laurie plays Gregory House, the irrascible Diagnostician in this compelling and often very funny medical drama. Utterly addictive, if only to see what sarcastic put-down House will say next to his team, his patients, or to anyone else who crosses his path.

Dexter: A complex and very clever drama, Dexter is a murderer who murders the vile and the wicked. 

Ugly Betty: Funny, sensitive, and very clever, Ugly Betty is one of the comedy shows not to be missed.

Prison Break: With three seasons stretched out of one, this should could be losing its magic. But there's still an interesting story going on that makes this show vital watching.

Bionic Woman: This updated and revamped version of the 80's TV show has only seen one episode on TV so it's still too early to tell. It's slickly made and the first episode sets things up nicely for a great series.

There you go. Now there's no excuse to go outside. Or even to get up off the couch!

And there's even less of an excuse to moan that there's nothing on TV any more.